Mark Millar’s Kick Ass is the story of a bored, lonely, comics-obsessed kid who decides to head out on the streets and fight crime just like the costumed heroes he obsesses over. It doesn’t take long for “Kick Ass” to get his assed kicked…repeatedly. As a reader, the story is amusing and an interesting spin on the whole question of “what if this shit was real?”

Well, in the video above, we find out the answer and it’s not pretty. A group of young do-gooders patrol Cincinnati intending to fight crime and help their fellow citizens. It’s a noble endeavor, to be certain, but one can’t help but feel a bit of pity as they trundle past the camera in ill-fitting spandex and squeaky pubescent voices while attempting to ape superhero mannerisms. It’s just kind of…embarrassing. I mean, Batman is a fucking bad ass. The dude’s ripped and his looming presence makes criminals wet their pants. Spiderman may be a doofus teenager during the day, but that doofus can beat some ass while performing expert acrobatic moves. But these guys? They look like they’d have to take a hit off the inhaler after losing a purse-snatcher in a block-long foot race.

But with comic-book movies making more money than ever, and more and more “real superheroes” events like Watchmen and Heroes putting ideas into the minds of impressionalbe dweebs all over the world, it’s no surprise that this costumed vigilante business is becoming somewhat of a phenomenon. The video above mentions the website The World Superhero Registry, so naturally I had to go over and take a gander.

Jackpot.

After passing through the somewhat questionable Terms and Conditions page, I was greeted by a web-design circa 1996 and a list of conditions that must be met in order to be considered a “Real-Life Superhero”. But this is all just window-dressing. The real meat of the site is the actual registry, so just hit this link and watch the hours melt away from your life.

“Hear my buzz, fear my bite: I inject justice.”

Sweet lord, that’s good stuff.

Naturally, each one of these goofballs has a website or MySpace site so they can promote their good deeds and all-around badassitude to the world. And wouldn’t it figure, we Minnesotans get stuck with the lamest of the bunch, Geist, named after a bad GameCube game and looking like a reject from Jesse James Days in Northfield.

Ah, but this just leads even further down the rabbit hole. Looking at Geist’s profile leads me to his own little Justice League, the Great Lakes Heroes Guild. And damn, these fuckers are organized. Hell, they even have merchandise!

Alright, I’ve given you enough material. Enjoy!

Welcome to the Turbolog, an ongoing series intended to educate Robot Panic readers about the Turbografx-16 and Turbo Duo library. In each entry, I’ll be giving brief information about a game in the Turbo library as well as the game’s rarity and my personal rating, both on a scale of 1-5. We’ll be working backwards alphabetically by title. If you’d like to read all the entries in the Turbolog, simply click the “Turbolog” tag below each article.

“THE SKINHEADS HAVE TAKEN MADONNA HOSTAGE.”

This is still one of the most hilarious opening scenes in video game history, and never has there been a better reason not to play a game. Nevertheless, Vigilante is a fun beat-em-up in the style of Kung-Fu on the NES. One of the first titles to appear on the Turbografx-16, Vigilante was an early showpiece for the system with colorful backgrounds and large, detailed characters. With great music and an awesomely cheesy 80s plot, it’s always fun to pop Vigilante in the Turbografx and beat down fools with chains and crowbars.

The one major downside to Vigilante is the lack of a multiplayer mode. What made old-school beat-em-ups great was the ability to team up with friends to save the day. Unfortunately, Vigilante was a solo affair – and a repetitive one at that – meaning it doesn’t rank very highly when stacked next to classic arcade brawlers like Double Dragon, Final Fight, or Streets of Rage. Nevertheless, don’t hesitate to pick this one up. But when you beat the game, just tell the Skinheads they can keep Madonna; the world will be a better place.

Rarity/Cost (1-5): ** A fairly common game, Vigilante can be found easily on eBay or at retro game shops for reasonable prices.

Rating (1-5): *** A good, cheesy, 80s brawler that doesn’t quite reach the heights of its contemporaries. Vigilante is repetitive and archaic by today’s standards, but is still worth a look.