SimpleNate, out of the goodness of his heart, bought me an unexplained Jack Bauer action figure. It was one of them McFarlane jobs. It looks pretty. It comes with crates which we decided had to be contraband. I wonder what the hell “action figure” defines as now. I mean, yeah he’s holding a gun…and a laptop bag. That’s cool. Nothin’ really moves though. You can spin his waist a bit and that’s neat. But even then, maybe they should call them “stationary figures” from now on. There was no punchline there. But I have one. It is coming.

The statue of Jack Bauer with matching scenery gate sits proudly on my mantle. Legend has it, in the dead of night, when players are alone, and Geo Wars is running in this very mode, a gust of wind fills the space. An echo stirring the room, casting mental images of an overdramtic grimace. It fills the empty hallways and radiates from the kitchen. The voice blasting in my ear on that thirty-second mark:

“DAMMIT!! THERE’S NO TIME!!!”

DEADLINE: The Caravan. Zero-to-seventy in three minutes. Eleven cup holders.

Maybe you don’t own the game yet. Maybe you just have the demo. Would you like us to turn that several megabyte demonstration file into a complex system of levers and pulleys? Read on, friend. Read on.

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Shall the er-uh-”Strategy Manifesto” continue? Yes. I think it can.

Let us get into the Bloom portion of the game. The part where you either see through it, you don’t, or you discover the contrast and brightness settings on your TV. Do you have to be Japanese to see through the bloom? No Mr. Westerner friend. You should practice. It should become some zen-shit after an straight hour of the cocaine game. Either that or you start the foaming of the mouth and go catatonic. Look, man. I’m not a good motivational speaker. I really should hire Moe to write my intros.

WAVES: Cosine, motherfucker! Wait…

It’s games like this that make me happy Live doesn’t record average score.
Today’s riddle: How many rounds of Waves can you play while you send your girlfriend to make you a sandwich? The answer is four. You can play four rounds.
But sir! How many rounds of Waves can you play after your girlfriend has made you a sandwich? The answer is zero, because after your girl brings it to you, she punches you in the balls. Like, really hard. This may or may not have something to do with the nature of a sexist blowhard request to which I quote, “eh woman! Get in the kitchen ‘n make me a sandwich!”

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Are you tired of the mothafuckin’ snakes on the mothafuckin’ screen? The Pythagorean Theorem got you down? Do you want to stab the guy who invented Bloom Effect directly in the eye?

Come over here for a minute. We will tell you things. Summer of Arcade is over, right? It’s time to learn how to play those games you just bought over the last five weeks.

KING: If my kid ever asks me about the birds ‘n bees, I’d tell him, play King. You fly into eggs, ya keep the sperm out as you get your gun off, and impregnate bitches three at a time. That’s exactly how sex works.

13mil #18 dreads3213

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Let’s kill some shapes. Let’s kill them together. We be playin’ Geo Wars 2 Retro Evolved for the Three-Six. This-here writing is supposed to be some kinda strategy guide for the game, because Robot Panic cannot and will not have a definite decipherable target audience.

**Editors Note: That’s not entirely true. Our target audience is cool people, natch! -Howlin’ Hilden**

Today’s problem is I got like, a B- in my Geometry class. I check my rankings and I’m hovering in the “not best in the world” category. Not the place I’d like to be, but you don’t have three weeks to wait while I go try and grow an e-penis. I don’t really want an e-penis. I heard those cause cancer.

To compensate, I enlisted a crack team of throw-down players who are better than me. Together, we will turn math into words, shapes into science, facepalms into facepalms.

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