Moichendising!

Yogurt said it best. The key to success is merchandising. T-Shirts, toys, posters, games. Whatever sort of crap you can toss at rabid fans. If I’ve learned anything from George Lucas it’s that even if your movie sucks (Episode I), you can still make a killing off merchandising.

One of my favorite shows on television is HBO’s True Blood. It’s rare that I find a show that interests both my wife and me, but this one hit the jackpot. Now, I must first mention that I find 99% of vampire stories to be…well…for lack of a better term: gay. (Not that there’s anything wrong with that.) But seriously, just take Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt in Interview with the Vampire. Those two were one take away from full-on penetration and their abysmal spin on Anne Rice’s novel made me walk out of the theater questioning my sexuality. And don’t get me started on Twilight. I haven’t even seen the movies, but the trailers alone give me an uncomfortable tingling feeling in my anus.

But I digress.

Suffice it to say that True Blood kicks ass. Every episode contains buckets of blood, oodles of boobs, and a few laughs mixed in for good measure. Each week, my wife and I sit down to watch the crazy story of a small Louisiana town as the citizens cope with vampires, shape-shifters, and all sorts of other crazy beings.

For the uninitiated, the premise of the show is when Japanese scientists create a synthetic blood capable of replacing real, human blood, the vampires who have been living hidden among us for centuries “come out”, so to speak. They make their presence known, now that they don’t have to hunt humans as prey. True Blood becomes a bottled beverage, sold in different varieties (Type O Positive, Type A Negative, etc.), and vampire bars pop up all over the country. Of course, some vampires still seek the thrill of the hunt, but that’s a different story. We’re here to talk about the beverage based on the TV show.

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Ok, DON’T hit that video if you’re anywhere that sensitive ears reside. I mean it.

Here, in this very long video, is every curse word uttered in the entire series of the Sopranos. If you’ve ever watched the show, then you’ll understand what a monumental task this must have been. Which begs the obvious question of “why would you ever do something like this?!?”. Times must be tough for editors as well because one of them has way too much time on his or her hands.

With that said, as silly and unnecessary as this clip is, it’s strangely mesmerizing as you watch it. Something about the cadence to the words flying out a mile a minute just puts me in a trance and I can’t look away. For fans of the show or just fans of some different and mildly entertaining video, click the link. Just be aware that massive amounts of profanity will spew out of your computer speakers after you press play.

You’ve been warned.

You. Yeah, I’m talking to you. I get it if you didn’t want to watch a show that appeared to be another angsty teen drama. Even if you were dead wrong, I get it. But a show that had the very essence of kick-ass in it? A show that had freaks, a family run cootch show and a gigantic battle between good and evil brewing in the Dust Bowl? Come on, it had a kid in overalls with super powers doing battle with a possessed Methodist preacher! That, I simply can’t let go. You people should be ashamed. Go ahead. Hang your heads.
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