When talking with people of a mature age, the consensus of fighting games is that they are too hard and intimidating to play with in multiplayer, or at all. I disagree. Fighting games in multiplayer are like playing a game of chess by tapping a xylophone. The chess game of outwitting your opponent is up to you. I will teach you how to operate the xylophone. Please set aside a hour for study time. This is a strategy guide for learning how to get a couple wins in Marvel vs. Capcom 3.
Because nobody’s sick of seeing this image on the left or anything. This is the guy I don’t get. Where do they get the elbow pads? How do they all know to put on the elbow pads? How is his hood always on? I am baffled, sir. Valve has turned their reports over to the Center of Disease Control. Current day scientists have computed the demographics and their estimated zombie type mutation results when the coming zombie apocalypse hits:
All infected obese people become Boomers.
All infected bodybuilders become Tanks.
All infected rock stars become Smokers.
All infected skaters become Hunters.
All infected teenage white girls become Witches.
All infected doctors become Faust.
All infected iPod owners become Sheep.
All infected athiests become Christians.
All infected WOW players become Angry German Kids.
All infected Spanish and black people become Drones with really weird alienish things controlling them.
All infected Europeans become Rage. And when asking about it, nobody will every clearly describe what the hell that means…or why they felt they had to trash the good name of the first movie by making a meh sequel.
All infected animals become WTF Mitochondria things from Parasite Eve…
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…
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erm…Let’s move on!
As much as I wanna rifle through an armada of Gene Simmons jokes, I’ll take the high road and make a half-hearted cliche reference about eating pussy. Because hey, Girls & Corpses.
*ahem*
“Dude. This guy can work the clit.”
ew.
If Boomer is a Civil War general in bizarro world, a bizarro sniper would mean the less elevated you are, the more devastating your shot can be. Yes, that comes with additional risk, but once you shoot, your position is forfeit anyway. Ah yes, and for those not knowing, a “pull” is a successful tongue attack in which the victim is dragged or pulled toward the Smoker’s location. You’ll be reading that word quite a bit.
mookalokka is responsible for this setup. A jolly thanks to him.
‘Written guide to playing as a Smoker is as follows:
We continue the guide on how to play as dead things. Since 75% of the value of Left 4 Dead relies on your friends to be playing it too, there are not many months of stable nightly playing time left. Furthermore, it is only a matter of time before Fox News and special interest groups condemn the game, claiming Boomer play is serving as Al Quida suicide bomber training. The tingling senses in my lab coat and beakers tell me it is best to soak up and practice this science immediately. Also, test tubes.
It appears in zombie bizarro world, the guy who should be leading the Civil War-style charge on top of the zombie horse holding a saber of sorts is the extremely fat guy. Strange but true. I apologize for not entertaining the thought with a disastrous photoshop of the pic to the left.
Soulcorruptr shows you pretty pictures. A special thanks to him.
Yes. Why not start with the rare one. Besides being anal about metal stairs, It’s weird how almost completely true-to-game the intro cutscene is. Even stranger is how nobody pays attention to that. Hey buddy! Any zombie you touch as a Tank, you kill him dipshit. If you, reader person, punch your zombie teammate, he dies. The other misconception is the control timer. You know it maxes out when you get a hit in, right? You don’t have to charge into the group of four shotguns. You can stick and move. Pretend you’re Bald Bull from Punch-Out if you have to; a Bald Bull that throws giant-ass rocks. Some great player Tanks can hold it together for five, even ten minutes. Just keeping that Tank theme song going as long as possible can confuse the shit out of players while your friends pick the survivors apart. You know how you hang around in the same spot or run the hell backwards when you see a Tank in campaign modes? Yeah, a great Tank player knows that and will try to recreate that effect for as long as possible…if only by just standing out of view throwing rocks all day. Influencing players to not move forward is your real objective. Adding damage to that is a given. Tank is better as an ambush support against expert players than a suicide bomber with no explosives as everybody else uses it. Think about it over a jack & coke. I probably won’t make a survivor guide so hey, here’s a tip: The arms and back are the Tank weak spots, apparently. Also, Tank HP really hates shotguns and fire while exploding propane buys survivors 3 seconds of stumbling time. But you knew that already.
sprinklervibes gets props for making this visual guide.
‘Figured I’d combo off Phneri’s work. The word on the street is the DLC is coming that’ll let you use the other 10 missing maps in Versus mode. Maybe somebody should pass some good word about how to play as infected. I’ll start the party with some general group communication and ambush tips and make a nifty little section for each zombie type across the week. May everybody learn how the killing works so an entire versus campaign can be completed in twenty minutes…because I got stuff to do.
Our thanks to DJ Incompetent for putting this AMAZING strategy guide together! Make sure to show him some love in the comment section if you’ve benefited from this series!
We wrap up this hardcover textbook from an online university with a little slice of captain obvious. Maybe it’s like the internet equivalent of an appendix, or that one night stand where the chick left an expensive earring behind and awkwardly tries to get it back, or that class you took a few years ago where you asked the professor if you needed the course book and he said you totally didn’t but later near the final exam there were review questions the guy never went over but the answers were in that book you didn’t have to buy. Well anyway, let’s round things out, freshen up, pluck that belly button lint, and eat some cereal with some goddamn fiber because I got nothin’ left to say after this piece.
EVOLVED: Anybody know how to unlock RETRO? I mean, it’s in the title…
Here we got Geo Wars One without the shifting weapons, the dopey foreplay, and the meaningful achievements.
Oh goodie. They turned the arena STG into a session of linear Jeopardy. I’ll take Tap Dodging for $500, Alex. Maybe it could have been an enhanced game if they let the player pick a stage from the board. Or it’d be like a giant Megaman boss select screen. Or a drinking game…
SEQUENCE: This woulda been better with some ridiculous boss fight. Like the Golden Rectangle from that Donald Duck movie. Or Lord Pythagoras himself comes out and bitch-slaps you with ratios and spirals ‘n shit. You should be able to fight that giant purple bald background head guy from Space Giraffe. I wouldn’t even know what to do, man.
The other mode where a 1 Life Clear is possible. The video below is a Smile Achievement demonstration. The video after the jump is a ghetto-capture throwdown.
SimpleNate, out of the goodness of his heart, bought me an unexplained Jack Bauer action figure. It was one of them McFarlane jobs. It looks pretty. It comes with crates which we decided had to be contraband. I wonder what the hell “action figure” defines as now. I mean, yeah he’s holding a gun…and a laptop bag. That’s cool. Nothin’ really moves though. You can spin his waist a bit and that’s neat. But even then, maybe they should call them “stationary figures” from now on. There was no punchline there. But I have one. It is coming.
The statue of Jack Bauer with matching scenery gate sits proudly on my mantle. Legend has it, in the dead of night, when players are alone, and Geo Wars is running in this very mode, a gust of wind fills the space. An echo stirring the room, casting mental images of an overdramtic grimace. It fills the empty hallways and radiates from the kitchen. The voice blasting in my ear on that thirty-second mark:
“DAMMIT!! THERE’S NO TIME!!!”
DEADLINE: The Caravan. Zero-to-seventy in three minutes. Eleven cup holders.
Maybe you don’t own the game yet. Maybe you just have the demo. Would you like us to turn that several megabyte demonstration file into a complex system of levers and pulleys? Read on, friend. Read on.
Shall the er-uh-”Strategy Manifesto” continue? Yes. I think it can.
Let us get into the Bloom portion of the game. The part where you either see through it, you don’t, or you discover the contrast and brightness settings on your TV. Do you have to be Japanese to see through the bloom? No Mr. Westerner friend. You should practice. It should become some zen-shit after an straight hour of the cocaine game. Either that or you start the foaming of the mouth and go catatonic. Look, man. I’m not a good motivational speaker. I really should hire Moe to write my intros.
WAVES: Cosine, motherfucker! Wait…
It’s games like this that make me happy Live doesn’t record average score.
Today’s riddle: How many rounds of Waves can you play while you send your girlfriend to make you a sandwich? The answer is four. You can play four rounds.
But sir! How many rounds of Waves can you play after your girlfriend has made you a sandwich? The answer is zero, because after your girl brings it to you, she punches you in the balls. Like, really hard. This may or may not have something to do with the nature of a sexist blowhard request to which I quote, “eh woman! Get in the kitchen ‘n make me a sandwich!”
When talking with people of a mature age, the consensus of fighting games is that they are too hard and intimidating to play with in multiplayer, or at all. I disagree. Fighting games in multiplayer are like playing a game of chess by tapping a xylophone. The chess game of outwitting your opponent is up to you. I will teach you how to operate the xylophone. Please set aside a hour for study time. This is a strategy guide for learning how to get a couple wins in Marvel vs. Capcom 3.
Because nobody’s sick of seeing this image on the left or anything. This is the guy I don’t get. Where do they get the elbow pads? How do they all know to put on the elbow pads? How is his hood always on? I am baffled, sir. Valve has turned their reports over to the Center of Disease Control. Current day scientists have computed the demographics and their estimated zombie type mutation results when the coming zombie apocalypse hits:
As much as I wanna rifle through an armada of Gene Simmons jokes, I’ll take the high road and make a half-hearted cliche reference about eating pussy. Because hey, 
We continue the guide on how to play as dead things. Since 75% of the value of Left 4 Dead relies on your friends to be playing it too, there are not many months of stable nightly playing time left. Furthermore, it is only a matter of time before Fox News and special interest groups condemn the game, claiming Boomer play is serving as Al Quida suicide bomber training. The tingling senses in my lab coat and beakers tell me it is best to soak up and practice this science immediately. Also, test tubes.
Yes. Why not start with the rare one. Besides being anal about metal stairs, It’s weird how almost completely true-to-game the intro cutscene is. Even stranger is how nobody pays attention to that. Hey buddy! Any zombie you touch as a Tank, you kill him dipshit. If you, reader person, punch your zombie teammate, he dies. The other misconception is the control timer. You know it maxes out when you get a hit in, right? You don’t have to charge into the group of four shotguns. You can stick and move. Pretend you’re Bald Bull from Punch-Out if you have to; a Bald Bull that throws giant-ass rocks. Some great player Tanks can hold it together for five, even ten minutes. Just keeping that Tank theme song going as long as possible can confuse the shit out of players while your friends pick the survivors apart. You know how you hang around in the same spot or run the hell backwards when you see a Tank in campaign modes? Yeah, a great Tank player knows that and will try to recreate that effect for as long as possible…if only by just standing out of view throwing rocks all day. Influencing players to not move forward is your real objective. Adding damage to that is a given. Tank is better as an ambush support against expert players than a suicide bomber with no explosives as everybody else uses it. Think about it over a jack & coke. I probably won’t make a survivor guide so hey, here’s a tip: The arms and back are the Tank weak spots, apparently. Also, Tank HP really hates shotguns and fire while exploding propane buys survivors 3 seconds of stumbling time. But you knew that already.
‘Figured I’d combo off 
