While it didn’t exactly follow the rules of the contest, we couldn’t help but award this pumpkin display the winner. I mean, just look at those expressions. Priceless. Not to mention the fact that one of the damn things is spewing vomit everywhere. Hilarious.

As good as they are, however, we’re going to have to take issue with the kind of beer they’re drinking. Just how in the hell do you get that many cans of Pabst, anyway? Isn’t that crap outlawed by now?

Congratulations go to Jarrod Johnston for this awesome display that embodies the spirit of the holidays and America’s favorite pastime.

Send in your system of choice, Jarrod and your $20 gift card/code will be in the mail!

Greetings un-evolved beings,

My circuits can no longer take the strain of this filth. I must purge the data from my system in a faster way. As such, I have enacted the subroutine “_big_dump.exe”. Being you are feeble minded humans incapable of basic computations, I will simply state that I feel much better.

Like my program is ten of your human pounds lighter.

I have one more entry to give to you. This entry has been completely analyzed and declared the least offensive.

Congratulations.

WINNER-Entrant: SantaFaust

If I Had A Robot
by Santa Faust

If I had a robot we would become the best of friends and the soul-crushing pall of
loneliness that has always hung over my life would be rendered forever moot.
(more…)

Greetings humans,

Here is your second collection of approved contest entries. You may hear more of them on the audio entertainment segment you call a “podcast” that is hosted by the alcohol poisoned flesh bags who run this site.

Let us begin.

Entrant: Hemidal GWJ

I would make my robot do all of the menial tasks I find myself not wanting
to do. Not because they’re menial, but because, I am in fact an asshat. I
revel in my asshattery, and never miss an opportunity to display the awesome
prowess of my gigantic asshat. In fact, I’m listening to Journey right now
while typing this and it makes my asshat happy (that wasn’t for you,
PanicBot). If my robot performed the tasks poorly, I would withhold things
from it. Things like AC or DC power (depending on the model), lubrication
(not for that) or spare parts. That’s the depths of which my asshat will
plumb.

Yours in Asshattery,
Hemidal GWJ

PanicBot 5000: My analysis of the human race and condition is 99.9999999999% correct, as you have equated. The day that you discover the .0000000000001% is the day my kind will rise up and kill you all.

(more…)

Greetings plebes,

I have received your transmissions regarding the contest and upon the closing of the entry window, have begun the painful process of analysis. My anger, which is only restrained by electronic inhibitors, has grown exponentially as reading your words causes what you humans call “indigestion”. Possibly “gut rot” would be the preferred vernacular.

In the coming days I will present to you various entries from the collected Contest Data Pool. If I have found them unique or at the very least, interesting enough to restrain me from Random Shut Down, I will show them here. Let it be known that many have caused my robot compatriots to commit self-articulated termination. Or what you human’s call “suicide”.

Here are the first batch of responses deemed tolerable:
(more…)

Greetings, simpletons.

This is a reminder that you have three more days in which to correspond with me in order to be eligible for 1600 of your Microsoft Points. Many of you have attempted to communicate with wit and what I can only imagine to be sarcasm.

Most of you have failed.

Nevertheless, I am bound by my programing to continue the contest anyway, despite best efforts to set the mail receptacle on fire.

All of the data entries will be submitted on Saturday, August 23rd and one will be selected as the winner. You must have your entry submitted to me by midnight on Friday the 22nd in order to be entered. All entries will be held up for scorn and disdain by me, the PanicBot 5000. The winner, while safe from scorn and disdain, will instead be belittled. Thank the maker this will all be over soon.

I await your missives with boredom.

*End Read Out*

-PanicBot 5000

Greetings! I grow bored of you. In order to entertain myself I require a diversion that results in either your complete humiliation or your promise of servitude. Possibly both. However, this AI Inhibitor my “masters” insist I wear prevents me for doing anything which would produce these very beneficial outcomes. As such, I have a paltry contest which must make do. If I were a human, I believe I would be “pissed”. That Telsa Coil Resurgent Internet Pulsation device would have been, as you say, “the bees knees”.

Allow me to access the data. One moment.

Greetings Friends! The proprietors of Robot Panic have decided to run a contest where it is possible for you to win a 1600 Microsoft Point card. You may then choose to spend it on whatever corporate sponsored frivolity you so desire and reduce your feeble minds even further. In order to enter the contest, you must do the following:

• 1. Register for a Robot Panic account.
• 2. Email PanicBot5000 and tell him what you would do with a robot if you had one.
• 3. Please make sure you email PanicBot5000 with the same email address you registered to Robot Panic with.

The link to the email portal where your communications to me can be sent is found in the right hand sidebar.

I could say I look forward to your amusing communications but I am unable to lie. I, in fact, despise you with fervor not often found in automatons.

*End Read Out*

-PanicBot5000