Last night I eagerly logged into to Xbox Live in hopes of getting a Batman Arkham Asylum nightcap when I saw my good friends Skreesha and Phneri online and watching a movie I have never heard of.  I had dabbled with Netflix party, sharing quick 20 minute episodes of “Bullshit” before, but never an entire movie.  So, I sent a quick message to Skreesha asking what the heck they were watching.  Moments later I was invited to watch their movie in a party, with Moe joining soon after.  What followed was 80 minutes of movie fun that has to be one of the better times I have had on Xbox Live. 

The movie we were watching was “Insane in the Brain.” At first one might think that it has something to do with the Cyprus Hill song of the same name; however nothing could be further from the truth.  “Insane in the Brain” is a spoof of both zombie movies and the “blaxploitation” films of the 70s.  For those unfamiliar with these films, they were known for their (mostly) all-black casts, over-the-top blatant sexuality, and bloody violence.  Movies such as “Superfly” and “Foxy Brown” featured tight, scanty outfits , tailored 70′s-style suits, big afros, sex, violence, drug dealers, pimps, prostitutes, and, let us not forget, the tricked-out “pimpmobiles.”  As popular as they were, they soon faded largely due to pressure by the NAACP.  

It is this cultural icon that director Chad Hendricks pays homage to in this horror-comedy.  The movie opens as several zombies (four to be exact) rise from the grave proclaiming their need for “Brains, more brains.”  The zombies find a party at a pimp’s house and start killing hookers.  It’s then that we realize that these zombies aren’t looking for brains so much as they are looking for a good piece of ass.  As the hooker body count rises, two cops arrive in a black Cadillac to investigate.  Detectives Sloan and Goldie are dressed in iconic 70s garb including platform boots, and a big afro with a comb!  The detectives interrogate the hos and soon realize that they are dealing with a group of horny zombies.  After much consternation, and some beer and weed, they come up with a grand plan to eliminate the menace!  Detective Sloan leans a funky cheer as he, his partner, and a bunch of hos attack the graveyard.  Classic!

 The film was produced for only $10,000; and you can tell by the way they recycle shots and re-use the zombie mask and gloves the monsters wear.  It was very cheesy, but unlike many bad movies, this one never takes itself seriously.  The dialogue is straight 70s and reminiscent of “Undercover Brother.”  The film provides a bucket full of laugh-out-loud moments that were only enhanced by the MST2K banter of our Netflix party.  All of us sat and tried to outdo one another with a witty comment about the dialogue or sparse sets.  In short, it was a simply awesome!

 After the show we all sat and looked for other bad movies that we could enjoy such as “Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus,” or “Tokyo Zombie.”  But alas, I fear that whatever we decide to watch next, it will pale in comparison to the experience provided by this film.  So with Halloween approaching, and our need to enjoy all things zombie, grab a friend or two online or in your living room and give “Insane in the Brain” a look.  It’s an experience you won’t soon forget.

Clive Owen delivers a baby during a gunfight, has sex during a gunfight, and kills people with carrots. Paul Giamatti says a bunch of silly quasi-philosophical shit and really, really wants to murder babies and Clive Owen. Monica Bellucci (from a bunch of The Matrix stuff) plays a lactating hooker who won’t show her tits. I can confirm there is, in fact, another anti-tank sniper rifle at some point.

Let me check…

…Yep. That’s about it.

The star of the show is the “I <3 John Woo” shootouts directed by Michael Davis. If you recall the Dr. Suess book Green Eggs & Ham, basically any physical place that book names there’s pretty much going to be a shootout or car chase at or near the modern equivalent of wherever you’re thinking of.

In defense of the “ya probably need to turn your brain off to enjoy this” cliché label:
1. There is no sequel.
2. The purpose of the film is not to sell merchandise.

That concludes my essay as to why suckers who went to Transformers 2 should go after Shoot ‘em Up instead and become less of a sucker.

Oh, right. And if you have taste, don’t look at me, mang. You go follow whatever Mitch says.

I don’t know if this is real or not, but I REALLY want it to be. Thanks to Ain’t It Cool News for the link.

Altogether now!

NEEEEEERRRRRDD!!!

The best adventures are not all that searchable. It is ok though. It’s not like a cell phone is an allowable basis of travel. Maybe this was just a clever foreword to convince you to visit my friend’s website. Doubtful.

Look. Grip then tip yo cup. A’ight?

On Confessions of Videogames Unplayed:
-Nate: So, your gaming conscience got the better of you, eh?
-Ian: More like a slow day at work. What would a gaming confession booth look like? Also, llamas.
-Nate: Probably like a regular confession booth, but with better graphics and a HUD.
-Ian: I suggest the booth have a giant reload button and a crappy Silent Hill puzzle involving some sort of numbers.
-Nate: Yeah, and if you fail the puzzle, the death song from Mario World should play.
-Ian: More like that youtube vid of every K.K. Slider song playing at once. Or the screech of satan that plays when you select Mario Party 8 on the Wii menu.
-Nate: Its gotta have HD graphics, though. and Friend Codes. Even though those two things will never go together. (Oh no he didnt!!)
-Ian: Hahaha a confession booth with friend codes! “I’m sorry, priest, I think I typed your number in wrong. Ok, wait. K, now we have to wait a day again to confirm.”
-Nate: There should also be little kids calling you gay over a loudspeaker.
-Ian: And a text chat window in the booth that lists every insult in streamlined web 2.0 shoutboxes.
-Nate: “yur gayzors!! OMGROFLFTWBBQ!!!!1!!”
-Ian: And the priest gets to type his insults in as he pretends to be sympathetic. And he’s allowed to punch people through the mesh when someone says something dumb.
-Nate: “Father, I’ve never played Kirby’s Dream Course.” BAM
-Ian: “I never played SoulCalibur because one button did an attack and another button did a slightly different attack.”
-Nate: “I never played House of the Dead because it looked scary.”
-Ian: “I avoided RockBand because Nickelback said it won’t make me a rocker.”
-Nate: “I just don’t understand Smash Bros. It’s too hard.”
-Ian: “I don’t play Doom because killing minions of satan will make me shoot up my school.”
-Nate: “I don’t play the Phoenix Wright games because real courtrooms don’t work that way.”
-Ian: “What the fuck is Ring of Red?”
-Nate: “Hi, Gamestop? Do you have any Wiis in stock?”
-Ian: “I refuse to play Shadow of the Colossus because, gawd there’s only like 16 bad guys in the game. I bet its only 15 minutes long. Jeez”
-Nate: “Left 4 Dead is stupid. I’m glad it’s not coming out for the PS3. Wanna play Pain?”
-Ian: “I LOVE Metal Gear Solid, but I refuse to buy the fourth one because of the cutscenes.”
-Nate: “I have to wait 2 MONTHS for Petz Ponyz 4?!”
-Ian: “halo and killzone are teh suxxors! Timesplitters is teh baby daddy jesus obama!”
-Nate: “Rumble Roses and DOA: Extreme Beach Volleyball are really deep.”
-Ian: “I wouldn’t play ninja gay-den because that chick’s tits weren’t big enough and not covered with enough oil goo.”
-Nate: “Mass Effect is hardcore pornography.”
-Ian: “Resident Evil 5 is racist and lets you rape women.”
-Nate: “Final Fantasy VII is the best game ever made. Also, I have lots of pics of Aerith and Tifa having sex.”
-Ian: “I wouldn’t play Final Fantasy 6 because the bad guy didn’t have long white hair, dressed in hot topic, and god I hate Mode 7 effects.”
-Nate: “I own several Superman games and the newest Turok.”
-Ian: “I check kotaku everyday for updates on dragonball: the movie: the game: evolution: the license: american version: 2009: Z.”
-Nate: “Ninjas could totally kill pirates because Naruto is a ninja.”
-Ian: “nuh uh! Pirates kill ninjas because Spike is a space pirate played by Keanau reeves in hotness Cowboy Bebop movie that can’t possibly drown in failboat!!”
-Nate: “I stopped playing Halo 3 when they stopped making Game Fuel.”
-Ian: “I refuse to play Trauma Center because I only believe in prayer as the cure for all diseases.”
-Nate: LOL, oh god, WINNER!
(more…)

If backstory were needed, it is here. Or you can go to nateserefine.com. But that was a trick. It is just my friend’s website.

*shrug*

On Boycotting:
-Nate: So, Lexi and I are looking for houses to buy.
-Ian: Very good. Where at?
-Nate: Dunno. Ann Arbor maybe.
-Ian: I so guessed that.
-Nate: That’s where us hipsters like to congregate. We play hacky sack and read poetry whilst drinking expensive beer and plotting to boycott everything.
-Ian: “Gee, Brain(*), what are we going to boycott tonight?”
-Nate: “Well, the auto industry is making somewhat of a comeback with electric cars… Aren’t those batteries poisonous? They could pollute our water!”
-Ian: Haha, you’re boycotting environmentally friendly things.
-Nate: It takes a real pro to do that.
-Ian: Next you should boycott water. Think of all the people who could be living in the great lakes if water wasn’t polluting the whole thing, making it uninhabitable.
-Nate: Or people could drown in it!
-Ian: That bastard. Water.
-Nate: It must be stopped. It and it’s pro-hydration agenda cannot be allowed to continue!
-Ian: Yep. Time to take a hair drier to lake michigan. Evaporate dat shit. Oh. And find a way to END RAIN.
-Nate: Hey, I don’t deal in solutions. All I do is bitch about shit with a holier-than-though attitude. Finding solutions ain’t my problem.
-Ian: Sounds like you need a consultant. A ninja consultant.
-Nate: Know anyone? I tried to look up ninja in the phonebook, but the page was BLANK!
-Ian: Try looking up ‘log’. They tend to turn into those. Avoid ‘turtle’. They’re not ninjas.
-Nate: Got it. Anyway, what would a ninja consultant even do for me? I already have a pirate on retainer.
-Ian: Ninjas flip out and kill people. They also attack gods. Ones in clouds, usually. Oh, and they hide. They hide A LOT! You were talking to one and, oh, wait, you’re not.

(more…)

Intrepid reader and dedicated listener, Damon aka Damo, sent this little item our way. I’m all for traditional science but this, my friends, is far more cool. I present to you the Periodic Table of Awesoments. Yeah, that’s right. Enjoy finding out just what makes awesome….awesome. Thanks, Damo!

Exiting college and/or army into our legitimate spirit-crushing jobs, our two heroes DJ Incompetent and SimpleNate engage in periodic text dialogues about nothing. Nate’s big bad iPhone chronicles these satisfactory bits where he throws them on a website that bares plugging: nateserefine.com

You may read our elegant philosophizing to your heart’s content.
1337 *eyeroll* acroyms and hip-rad slang got bracketized for readability.
My name is Ian. Pleased to meet you.

on current events:
-Nate: Did you sign up for the early NXE [New Xbox Experience] thing? Are you creating your very own Xii RIGHT NOW?!?
-Ian: Ugh… I’ll prefer for Live to crash in 2 days instead of now, thanks. I better be able to keep my gamerpic…
-Nate: You can. I have no tubes, so no update for me yet. RA 3 [Red Alert] got delivered, so when I get back I’m ready to kill commies whenever you are.
-Ian: Nice. Hit me up about it when you get back and I’ll go buy the game.
-Nate: I’ll be back Friday afternoon, but I probably won’t have much time to play this weekend. If you want to pick it up so we can play during the week, that’d be good.
-Ian: Yeah, I can probably swing that.
-Nate: If not, don’t worry about it. I can wait.
-Ian: Credit bill was less than expected. Also, Chrono Trigger hits next week. So I’d be buyin something anyway.
-Nate: Right on. I’ll hit you up for some full motion video (!!) cutscenes of hot girls in military uniform. Huzzah!
-Ian: Haha. Soul Cal[ibur IV] makes me jaded to hot chicks. Their FMVs better have breakaway clothing.
-Nate: You have a point, sir. Everything should have breakaway clothing that sounds like metal breaking. I should write a letter to my congressman asking for legislation to be passed.
-Ian: I know, right? I mean, my shirt is breakaway with unexplained metal sounds. When I throw my shirt on the floor at night it sounds like a crumbling tea set.
-Nate: When we do laundry, it sounds like a Ford F-250 assembly plant after squirrels get into the equipment.
-Ian: Hahaha. I know if I folded 8 pairs of socks, those can double as pistons for a V8 engine. I might go buy a bag of Hanes and rebuild my engine after work.
-Nate: Fuck, why WOULDN’T you? You could armor-plate it by wrapping it in a pair of jeans while you’re at it…
-Ian: Wrap some The North Face snow vests around an SUV. Call it a Hummer H4.
-Nate: It’s a wonder why people don’t already do this. It’s like luxury on top of luxury. Add in a latte and you have the ultimate douche.
-Ian: Dunno, man. Does this mean Chinese Sweat-shop workers are really steel mill operators? That would explain the mass pollution. and the gaaaaayyy
-Nate: According to Moe Sizlack, the entire steel industry is gay, so there you go.
-Ian: Sucks to be communist. No wonder they have 1 child per couple law… per gay couple.
-Nate: The child is gay, too.
-Ian: Werd.

(more…)

Hi I’m DJ Incompetent.
I was in a movie once.

(more…)

This one is courtesy of Robots.net.

Bad. Ass.