I don’t know who makes these decisions, but a quick ride in Bill and Ted’s excellent phone booth might introduce that cheeseburger to an ACTUAL time when a significant population of the American people ACTUALLY wore these things.  They were called slaves.

Of course, any idiot could tell you when a plane has only one wing, let’s call it the right one, the result is a death spiral.  But hey, when Freud’s right, he’s right…

W.T.F.

Living in the Russian Federation 21/10/2008

I’ve now been in Russia for a day and a half with almost no sleep or food as of yet. But it’s ok, I’ve had an amazing time so far and I’m really blown away by how nice the city is. First things first, I want to dispel the myth that the city is ridiculous levels of cold. Experience so far puts it at a little warmer and clearer than Leeds, whilst it may get much colder during January and February, right now it’s pleasantly mild.

Today was my first day in the office, a daunting prospect when I hadn’t really gotten my bearings with my surroundings yet (or eaten any food). I hadn’t even had any coffee due to a lack of milk, which as those who know me will understand means that I was barely even functioning on a basic level this morning.

A good thing that I had a Taxi organised to get me to the office! Even better was the really nice quality FREE coffee available all day long in the office. This was a good thing seeing as I was there from 8am through until 8pm – a pretty lengthy first day on the job. I only stopped once to pick up some sandwiches somewhere around lunchtime so by the time I finished I’d had almost nothing to eat since mid-day yesterday (and that was an in-flight meal…) Some how I managed to find my way around the Moscow Underground Metro and arrive at the street I’m staying at (Novvy Arbat).

I was really impressed with the sheer liveliness of the city – there’s a really amazing vibe that I really wasn’t expecting.

After looking at the shiny stuff I decided that I should really find somewhere to get some food so I started exploring until I found a 24 hour place. Now Moscow is expensive, people warned me but I had no idea. I bought the following:

Toothpaste, cheese, bread, ketchup, Pringles equivalent, a bottle of Pepsi, 2 bottles of Mountain Dew, some shower gel and a Snickers.

The total cost for this stupidly small list was £26 or $47

WOW

I eventually made it back to the apartment with less trouble than I’d anticipated.

Philthy

Living in the Minus World – The Former United States of America

During your time of  economic crisis and inability to run a National Presidential Election, We the Great British Empire have decided it’s about time that to take the reigns once more. We feel that we gave you more then enough July 4th Holidays and frankly the idea that some of your larger companies that have offices here are forcing this upon the people of our great nation is absurd. 

To provide more information on this, our Chief Ambassador to the Rest of the World, John Cleese has provided a written statement on behalf of Her Majesty The Queen. Please take proper time to read and understand everything listed here. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Sir John Cleese.

To: The citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President
of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the
revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties
over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which
she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for
America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of
you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
rules are introduced with immediate effect:

You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary.

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will
be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘favour’ and
‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping
half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise.

Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable
levels. (look up ‘vocabulary’).

3. Using the same 27 words interspersed with filler noises such as
“like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication.

There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your
behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of
the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn
your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.

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In this blessed time of political convention hysteria and jockeying by the presidential nominees, there are so many things to be thankful for…. not the least of which may be slanderous hypocrisy, name-calling, poor timing, beauty pageants, and strippers. Shameless and adolescent love-for-country, notwithstanding, there are a precious few intellectually intriguing products that ought to be mandatory consumption during this festive season. I offer you, my fellow Americans:
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Saw this at work today, did a double take, then laughed unreasonably loud and long. Please enjoy!

So right now it’s 7am and I’m on a train. I’ve been on the train for a while now and I’m tired as hell. It has come to my attention whilst on this train that a) the seats aren’t entirely comfortable and b) other countries do trains way better than we do.

France have their superb SNCF train service that is cheaper and faster, Japan have the Bullet train and a timetable so strict that you get a letter to your employer from the train company should it be more than 40 seconds late. We have knackered up old trains that are not comfortable, cost a lot of money to travel on and really aren’t that fast. So where did we go wrong? Why is this, the greatest nation on the planet, stuck with such a retarded train service?

I’m travelling back to my home city today for the first time in several years to see my Dad, sample some proper ale and get a weekend return to country life. So I’m heading from Leeds (which is in Yorkshire) about 180 miles south to Worcestershire, which is just south of Birmingham. In fact, this trip will have me stopping in Birmingham for about an hour before getting a connecting train to Worcester Foregate St station.
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I’m back, I’m English and I’m a little concerned over the state of my Country. I’ve been writing this column in various formats for a while now and it seemed a good time to drag it out like the old chestnut it is and give it a bit of Robot Panic polish for you all. So for those who don’t know me, haven’t got a clue what this is all about and stuff… well my name is Phil, I’m an egotistical and opinionated bastard at the best of times and this little blog is my way of venting about a) my life and b) living in this beautiful yet somehow screwed up Country.

So I guess even though it’s the middle of summer and still raining and cold in the UK I feel the time is right to talk about air conditioning, or should I say the lack-of. It’s one of those strange things I’ve come across whilst travelling to various countries over the years – every other country has it and for some reason we don’t seem to care. It strikes me as odd that a number of countries with far worse economies and cooler weather than we have seem to place an importance on this important convenience in life when we don’t. Maybe we’re just too tight. Maybe we’re just too English.
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So at Drunken Gamers UK we have had running jokes about Badgers for a long time now – we even have a new vid segment for the show called “Bobo vs Badger” which will be making its debut shortly.

A few weeks ago, we reported on a Badger Rampage in my home county of Worcestershire where a Badger managed to savage 5 different people in the area (I’m not joking). This time we bring news of Badgers in Germany causing even funnier problems. Here’s an excerpt from our local Metro Newspaper on the story:

Police in Germany launched a manhunt when people reported hearing a woman’s screams in a forest – but the ‘attack’ turned out to be two randy badgers.

Officers in Linz on the Rhine, who scoured woods with night-vision kit, said: ‘Their mating calls are easily mistaken for human screams.’

Genius in every way.

(Enter the story for a NSFW image)

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