I know we really should stay away from politics on this site, as it never ends well. But I consider this to be less about politics and more a “people watching” exercise.

I think Michelle Bachmann is nuts and despite your views politically, you have to admit she’s said some REALLY fucked up shit over the last few years. Give this girl a spotlight long enough and she’ll tell you the spotlight is made up of the tears of angels and children with utmost sincerity.

This gift of hers has made her the target of a lot of folks and given her Democratic rivals a whole heap of ammunition to use against her. Her latest Democratic challenger, Tarryl Clark has created the site Michelle Bachmann Said WHAT? that pokes fun at the Minnesota’s “favorite” Tea Party idol. The site’s pretty damn funny and even has a soundboard. Always good for a laugh.

What’s even more hilarious is how someone can say all this stuff and STILL manage to win every time she’s up for election. I’m betting even money she’ll be right where she is when this election is over as well. Granted, this site’s purely political in nature, but it’s humorously done and at this point, what’s left?

Make no mistake, this girl’s nuts. And what’s more amusing than that? Eh? Here’s one to tide you over:

Mark Millar’s Kick Ass is the story of a bored, lonely, comics-obsessed kid who decides to head out on the streets and fight crime just like the costumed heroes he obsesses over. It doesn’t take long for “Kick Ass” to get his assed kicked…repeatedly. As a reader, the story is amusing and an interesting spin on the whole question of “what if this shit was real?”

Well, in the video above, we find out the answer and it’s not pretty. A group of young do-gooders patrol Cincinnati intending to fight crime and help their fellow citizens. It’s a noble endeavor, to be certain, but one can’t help but feel a bit of pity as they trundle past the camera in ill-fitting spandex and squeaky pubescent voices while attempting to ape superhero mannerisms. It’s just kind of…embarrassing. I mean, Batman is a fucking bad ass. The dude’s ripped and his looming presence makes criminals wet their pants. Spiderman may be a doofus teenager during the day, but that doofus can beat some ass while performing expert acrobatic moves. But these guys? They look like they’d have to take a hit off the inhaler after losing a purse-snatcher in a block-long foot race.

But with comic-book movies making more money than ever, and more and more “real superheroes” events like Watchmen and Heroes putting ideas into the minds of impressionalbe dweebs all over the world, it’s no surprise that this costumed vigilante business is becoming somewhat of a phenomenon. The video above mentions the website The World Superhero Registry, so naturally I had to go over and take a gander.

Jackpot.

After passing through the somewhat questionable Terms and Conditions page, I was greeted by a web-design circa 1996 and a list of conditions that must be met in order to be considered a “Real-Life Superhero”. But this is all just window-dressing. The real meat of the site is the actual registry, so just hit this link and watch the hours melt away from your life.

“Hear my buzz, fear my bite: I inject justice.”

Sweet lord, that’s good stuff.

Naturally, each one of these goofballs has a website or MySpace site so they can promote their good deeds and all-around badassitude to the world. And wouldn’t it figure, we Minnesotans get stuck with the lamest of the bunch, Geist, named after a bad GameCube game and looking like a reject from Jesse James Days in Northfield.

Ah, but this just leads even further down the rabbit hole. Looking at Geist’s profile leads me to his own little Justice League, the Great Lakes Heroes Guild. And damn, these fuckers are organized. Hell, they even have merchandise!

Alright, I’ve given you enough material. Enjoy!

It’s there in plain sight, the written word, yet somehow it frequently morphs into unrecognizable piles of steaming safari turds.  I only offer the following link as proof that I am not alone in my disdain for the extreme and continuous erosion of the ability to construct and transmit a single thought, even if it is simply a declaration of your impending poop.  Read on.

Super Noize Post, but whatever.

According to an awesomely questionable article from dailymail.co.uk, the better your reaction time, the longer you’re going to live. Like, real life; not in the game.

The 7,414 volunteers in the study have been followed since the mid-Eighties, when their reaction times were measured with an electrical device fitted with a small screen and five numbered buttons.

The volunteers had to press the matching button when a number appeared on screen. The time they took to react was measured and averages worked out.

Since then, 1,289 have died, 568 of them from heart disease.

The researchers then compared the reaction times, smoking habits, weight and other factors of those who had died with those who had survived.

The results showed that people with slow reactions were 2.6 times more likely to die prematurely from any cause. Smoking was the only factor linked to a larger risk of death – as it made it 3.03 times more likely.

Physical exercise, blood pressure, heart rate, waist-hip ratio, alcohol consumption and body-mass index all had a lesser effect.

In deaths caused specifically by heart disease, reaction time was the most important factor after blood pressure, this time having a greater effect than smoking.

The researchers said: ‘It has been hypothesized that reaction time, as a measure of speed of the brain’s information-processing capacity, may be a marker for bodily system integrity.

‘This way, slower reaction times, or poorer information-processing ability, might be an indication of suboptimal physiological functioning, which may in turn be related to early death.’

So maybe Brain Age doesn’t make you smarter, but keeps you alive? And then nursing homes will send back the Wii Bowling in exchange for Rock Band, but the old folks will only be allowed to play Visions on expert.

Either way, I suggest you go complete M.C.’s challenges.  Your life now depends on it.

Time to get me a bucket of KFC tonight! Gonna plan my retirement for age 114! I R Invincible!! OVERCONFIDENCE WOOO!!

It’s kinetic art.

I know this was one of you. I think it’s time you fessed up and got the congratulations you so richly deserve.

For those of you not in the know, Austin news outlet KXAN has the story here. The long and short of it involves some intrepid and hilarious hackers changing an electric road sign to warn drivers of the zombie apocalypse currently “in progress”. I know it’s a dangerous and highly illegal activity, but it seems like smart people preparing for the inevitable to me.

But that’s just me.

Well folks, a new year is here and I feel fresh, like strawberries and cream or that feeling you get stepping into a waterfall whilst shaking your head around reciting ‘because I’m worth it’. That’s right 2009 is here and I’m feeling good about it. I think I’d describe 2008 as being both the best and worst year of my life wrapped up in a giant ball of yarn. Whilst there were plenty of very bad times though, the positives were just far to great to ignore. So in keeping positive, here is a list of all the very good things that happened last year.

Travel: I managed to travel to Spain, Minneapolis, Vancouver, Seattle, Moscow and London. (Yes contrary to popular belief I do not live close to London).

Work: I got not one but two promotions, and I was able to go and work with some amazing people in Moscow

People: Hanging out with John, Moe and Hilden is an obvious high point. Spending time with M.C. at PAX, getting to hang around with the London crew a little more (Dave, Ben, Kyna, Pete and Kerry) and of course, all the fantastic people I got to meet at the Daryl’s. Not to mention I got to meet with Eddie Olmos, Aaron Douglas and Allessandro Julliani…

Events: The Daryl’s, PAX, London Expo

Guitar: I somehow managed to end up with Dave Weiner (solo artist and second guitarist for Steve Vai) as my guitar tutor. The guy is frankly a living legend in my book, he has a lot of time, and he’s simply one of the nicest guys you could ever wish to meet and to top it all off he’s one of the finest guitarists on the planet.

Gaming: There have been some simply beautiful games released this year from MGS4 to Lost Odyssey. So many great gaming moments right through the entire year.

So looking back, even though there really were some frankly depressing and awful times last year, the positives have been incredulous. My plan now is to try and keep this momentum up and cut out the bad bits to make 2009 the best year of my life yet.

So to my New Year’s Resolutions:
1 – I will before the end of 2009 release some form of album.
2 – I will attend the Midwest Gaming Classic show
3 – I will go to PAX 09 and not stay in a hotel that looks like No More Heroes and takes an hour to travel anywhere
4 – I will go to Vancouver for at least a few days this time, I WILL smuggle a Raccoon out of the country
5 – I will pass the MCSE exams, every one of them. I want the shiny badge.

Christmas 2008 was sadly less good for me this year, I wasn’t able to get any time off work and seeing as my family live in a different country there was no possibility to take time to travel and see them. That said I did pick up a few games to play during the period. If I had to use one phrase to describe Christmas for me though it would have to be:

“Christmas, it was good except for the Werehog bits”

Funnily enough, that sentence can also be applied to something else… Can you guess what it is yet?

I also picked up a SNES recently and have been topping up my collection of games wherever possible. I was incredibly happy to find on New Years Eve the following classics:

Pop ‘n’ Twinbee
Legend of the Mystical Ninja
U.N. Squadron
Unirally
Lost Vikings

I also stumbled upon a copy of Persona 3 FES which I snapped up immediately. This is a game that you simply don’t see around in the UK at all in spite of its very recent release date. There’s no sign of Persona 4 on these shores for a while so I decided to pick this one up after the glowing comments from pretty much everyone on the DGR podcasts recently.

Oh and I recently picked up Left 4 Dead and an Xbox Live Gold card. I fully expect you all to add me as a friend so we can get some zombie slaying time in soon. My gamercard is: McPhilthy

Peace, Love and Good Happiness Stuff for 2009

Phil Haymes

Maria Schneider

A native of Windom, Minnesota, and a graduate of the University of Minnesota, this incredible woman continues to almost single-handedly rewrite the direction of composition for jazz ensemble year after year, and 2008 was no different.  Schneider released her latest album entitled “Sky Blue” to much critical acclaim and a brought home another grammy for her tune, “Cerulean Skies.”  Incredible musician and all-around benevolent human, Maria Schneider is a name those of you with an interest in composition, jazz, or improvised music ought to dedicate a little time in the coming year.  Point of interest: she was one of the first artists to work with www.artistshare.com, an online avenue for artists to propose, fund, and share their work without playing any games with corporate entities.  Give ‘em some love.  www.MariaSchneider.com

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart

Proof positive that real journalists practicing real journalism do, in fact, still exist in the world, they just happen to wear fake beards, tell dirty jokes, and generally get straight to the damn point.  Here’s to you, Jon! (more…)

Merry Christmas and other festive stuff. I have returned from my little stay in Moscow and was saddened to find England in a worse state than I had left it. So it turns out that whilst I’ve been out of the loop, our economy is – frankly – fucked. And I mean seriously fucked. Now I know that you are thinking, “Yes, but the U.S. is also fucked – haven’t you heard?”, to which I agree. What needs to be understood is that there are levels of fucked and we’ve hit a new one. Consider for a moment if you will that the exchange rate in August/September let me buy $1.86 for every £1 spent. I came back from the UK to find that now we’re looking at only $1.42 per £1… This isn’t good at all. All my expenses from Russia get paid back in Russian Rubles which are then converted to US Dollars and then into English Sterling once it hits my account. If you can imagine the cost of a pint in Russia is about $40 you can see how quickly this change in exchange rate is going to rape me.

So the question is why is our economy so shafted? For starters, this year is the first year that we as a country stopped paying the debt for Europe being charged by the U.S. Government for the last 50 years. Yes that’s right, we’ve been paying the U.S. Government for all costs incurred from joining the 2^nd World War for 50 years. That said, we have now finished paying, so this year in particular should be rolling in cash with no issues. So again I ask, what is the reason for this? Seems like some of the banks have screwed up. However, it worries me that when a bank screws up the people have to pay lots of money to fix the situation. Seriously, this seems to be happening everywhere too. Banks are businesses, and as such they shouldn’t be given free run to do anything they want with no consequence. What I’d like to see is that the high salary earners in these banks have to submit 80% of their income back. These are the folk making loads of money, bad calls and costing the average Joe on the street money to pay back in taxes. I was shocked on return to see that pretty much every form of bill has gone up since I left, making the cost of living almost impossible.

Oh and if I hear any more people use the term “current climate” I’ll beat them to death with a really angry Honey Badger. Please make sure you Wikipedia or YouTube to find out what a Honey Badger is. They are frankly the single greatest animal that ever lived.

So how would I fix the situation? Now that’s the big question and naturally, being the opinionated bastard that I am, I actually have an answer. Thing is, people won’t like it.

Number one, we as a country pull out of Afghanistan and Iraq. If there is still a good reason to be there the U.N. shall see fit to bring in whoever needed. I personally don’t think they would.

Number two, we charge the US Government for all costs incurred during the war on these two countries.

Number three, we ship out our criminal population to some other place (maybe Australia again…?)

Number four, we rehabilitate the not so bad criminals that don’t need to be shipped out by making them run in giant Hamster Wheels hooked up to the national grid. This will not only resolve the remaining crime issues but will also allow a great discount to power bills as well as provide more eco friendly power to the country.

Number five, pull the hell out of Europe and stop giving them lots and lots of lots of money each year for almost nothing in return.

Also, I’d make sure that everyone gets a free Crunchie on a Friday and that we only work a 4 day week. Now who would vote me in?

Love, Philthy

I don’t know who makes these decisions, but a quick ride in Bill and Ted’s excellent phone booth might introduce that cheeseburger to an ACTUAL time when a significant population of the American people ACTUALLY wore these things.  They were called slaves.

Of course, any idiot could tell you when a plane has only one wing, let’s call it the right one, the result is a death spiral.  But hey, when Freud’s right, he’s right…

W.T.F.