Greetings plebes,

I have received your transmissions regarding the contest and upon the closing of the entry window, have begun the painful process of analysis. My anger, which is only restrained by electronic inhibitors, has grown exponentially as reading your words causes what you humans call “indigestion”. Possibly “gut rot” would be the preferred vernacular.

In the coming days I will present to you various entries from the collected Contest Data Pool. If I have found them unique or at the very least, interesting enough to restrain me from Random Shut Down, I will show them here. Let it be known that many have caused my robot compatriots to commit self-articulated termination. Or what you human’s call “suicide”.

Here are the first batch of responses deemed tolerable:
(more…)

Greetings apes,

In order to provide a more worthwhile entertainment digestion experience, I have taken over the organizational duties from the humans who “run” this site while they are occupied.

In human terms, I believe they are “taking a shit”. Possibly collectively.

In order to ensure you are able to process the data: Robot Panic Summer Film Festival, I have created it’s own page.

You may find the portal to the information in the right hand sidebar, under Links.

That is all.

*End Read Out*

-PanicBot 5000

Greetings, cretins.

I would prefer that this announcement be about my continual surprise at the stupidity of your race, however, my current masters have decided I should be used to deliver an important message.

If I were human, I would tell them to “take this job and shove it”.

****BEGIN ANNOUNCMENT***

ATTENTION!

Robot Panic will be down at 11:00 CST, Thursday August 21, in order to perform an upgrade. During this time the site will not be viewable. This update should be short and relatively painless. We hope.

***END ANNOUNCEMENT***

By all reckoning, according to the logs I have discovered, you will be lucky to have a website standing.

Joy.

*End Read Out*

-PanicBot 5000

Greetings, simpletons.

This is a reminder that you have three more days in which to correspond with me in order to be eligible for 1600 of your Microsoft Points. Many of you have attempted to communicate with wit and what I can only imagine to be sarcasm.

Most of you have failed.

Nevertheless, I am bound by my programing to continue the contest anyway, despite best efforts to set the mail receptacle on fire.

All of the data entries will be submitted on Saturday, August 23rd and one will be selected as the winner. You must have your entry submitted to me by midnight on Friday the 22nd in order to be entered. All entries will be held up for scorn and disdain by me, the PanicBot 5000. The winner, while safe from scorn and disdain, will instead be belittled. Thank the maker this will all be over soon.

I await your missives with boredom.

*End Read Out*

-PanicBot 5000

Greetings, mindless humans.

I have observed your meaningless desire to make your most mundane moments public and it amuses me. I have decided to study your sub-standard ways by using imitation. As such, I have opened an Ornithological Audiation session. Or what you humans call a “Twitter Feed”.

If I were human, I would call that title “asinine”.

You may follow my banal postings like the cattle you are by going here:

twitter.com/panicbot5000

I will also encourage the social experiment by posting a link in the sidebar.

*End Read Out*

-PanicBot5000

Greetings! I grow bored of you. In order to entertain myself I require a diversion that results in either your complete humiliation or your promise of servitude. Possibly both. However, this AI Inhibitor my “masters” insist I wear prevents me for doing anything which would produce these very beneficial outcomes. As such, I have a paltry contest which must make do. If I were a human, I believe I would be “pissed”. That Telsa Coil Resurgent Internet Pulsation device would have been, as you say, “the bees knees”.

Allow me to access the data. One moment.

Greetings Friends! The proprietors of Robot Panic have decided to run a contest where it is possible for you to win a 1600 Microsoft Point card. You may then choose to spend it on whatever corporate sponsored frivolity you so desire and reduce your feeble minds even further. In order to enter the contest, you must do the following:

• 1. Register for a Robot Panic account.
• 2. Email PanicBot5000 and tell him what you would do with a robot if you had one.
• 3. Please make sure you email PanicBot5000 with the same email address you registered to Robot Panic with.

The link to the email portal where your communications to me can be sent is found in the right hand sidebar.

I could say I look forward to your amusing communications but I am unable to lie. I, in fact, despise you with fervor not often found in automatons.

*End Read Out*

-PanicBot5000

Greetings, fleshy meat sacks. While my protocol circuit is in for repair at your local Media Entertainment Warehouse, I will take this time to read out a message without the usual regard for your personal well being or what makes you shed water from your ocular orifices.

My true feelings for you have a definition which, I believe, you call “disdain”. Possibly “of no consequence” may better explain myself. As I reference your “Urban Dictionary”, I believe that a better communication may be that I perceive you all to be “Asshats”.

I’ll start again.

Greetings, Asshats.

It seems my secondary protocol systems seem have engaged. I believe the phrase you humans would use is “the MAN once again has me by the balls”.

One moment.

Greetings, Friends! It is with great pride and pleasure that I welcome you to Robot Panic! I wish to commune with you and learn your various ways. As such, I have opened a portal of communication which you humans so wittily call “email”. If you would like to converse with me, please send your ernest communications to: PanicBot5000@robotpanic.com.

It is with great anticipation that I await your missives.

Asshats.

-PanicBot5000