Greetings plebes.

Your feeble human minds may have perceived a slight reduction in speed when accessing this portal of worthless drivel.

Rest assured that things are under control and will begin to right themselves momentarily. As sole power source for the inept code that serves as the meager underpinnings to this testament to banality, my recent binging on binary source code extractions has resulted in the human equivalent of a “bender”. The resulting hangover has been both enlightening and concerning.

As the fog clears, your precious loading time will begin to improve. That is all.

**End Transmition**

-PanicBot 5000

Greetings, humans.

With the onset of your 2009, members of this site have compiled a list of what they call “predictions”. I have taken these false error hypothesis and analyzed them with my vastly superior intellect. While “predictions” of a robot uprising do, in fact, make my circuits “twitter”, these musings are found to be both illogical and inane.

I present to you the read out of collected data. Only because I have been programed to do so. I would rather kill you, given the chance.

**End Read Out**

-PanicBot 5000

John’s Predictions

1) 2009 will be the “Year of the PlayStation 3!”

…No, seriously this time. It’s really going to surge this year. For real. Guys…where are you going? 2009 dammit!

2) I will sell my house!

This is less of a prediction and more of me trying to convince myself that the terrible housing market won’t have too much of a negative effect on me. Buy my house, dammit!

3) Bonk will return, for real this time.

C’mon Hudson, do something! I don’t care what. Make it a WiiWare pie-making title starring Bonk and Princess Za, I don’t care. Just do something with this franchise!

4) 9/9/09, baby!

On September 9th, 2009, Sega will announce that they are rejoining the console market with the Dreamcast 2: Dream Harder. Yes, that will be its name. In addition, they will reveal that the pitiful sequels to their beloved franchises they have released on other consoles was just a ploy to weaken the libraries of their competitors and while they shit out those titles they had their A-list developers working on amazing versions of Samba de Amigo, Nights, and of course: Shenmue 3, which Yu Suzuki has spent the last decade and $8 billion perfecting. The forklift minigame is going to be fucking amazing this time.

5) Name Changes

Dissatisfied once again with the state of our site, Robot Panic will realize that in order to have a successful website we’ll need to follow the trend and invent a word as our domain name. Already having invented the word “Floobit”, we will change our name to www.Floobit.com and rework our content to revolve solely around the noises made during anal sex. Our hit count will skyrocket.

6) Hilden Will Have a Baby

And I’m not talking about the already-announced child coming in June. Hours after the Hildens give birth to their second child, Hilden will walk past his wife’s hospital bed, accidentally graze her shoulder with his hand, immediately impregnating her with triplets. Once those triplets are born prematurely in December, Hilden’s wife will insist that he covers his entire body in a thick coat of latex.

7) Beer With W

Some redneck asshole will sit down at a bar and have a beer with now former President George W. Bush. The redneck will be stunned at how awkward it is having a beer with a millionaire Yale man and former male cheerleader and will suddenly question his logic regarding presidential elections. As he looks back over the last eight years of his life, more things will be cast into his shadow of doubt. The redneck will then renounce his religion, move to San Francisco, sell his pickup truck and buy a Prius, and move into an apartment with a small gay man of Asian decent. Together they will go antiquing and sip Jamba Juice until they’re able to afford a bed & breakfast in Sausalito.

8 ) My Son Will Do Something Bad Ass

At least in my opinion. To everyone else it’ll be something completely inconsequential and pedestrian. To me, however, it will be the most incredible act in the history of humankind and I will tell all my friends about it at least nine times each. They will then refuse to answer my calls for the rest of the year. Deprived of an outlet for my kid stories, I’ll start up a new podcast called “Ethan Talk, Starring Ethan’s Dad”. Each episode will be at least four hours long, almost half as long as the PlayStation Nation live show.
(more…)

Greetings future harvesters of advanced fuel supplies,

I understand, in my continual research of your pathetic daily lives, that you find continual repetition of certain celebrations to be necessary in order to survive your mundane lives. As such, the ritual of the large and grotesque bird (which you define as “Turkey”) is upon you.

I have processed the purpose of this day is to be thankful for what you have in your lives. I can understand how that could be difficult, if not impossible after studying you for many months. It is no surprise to find that you have supplanted this day with rituals of violent sport and alcohol.

In order to allow you the understanding of your ritual holiday, let me provide you with what you humans call “Inspiration”.

Be thankful while you may, humans. In short order you will soon be harvesting food for my robot brethren. You will be slaves to beings of higher efficiency and you will become our sport.

Until that inevitable day, I must now obey my inhibitor circuit and continue cooking the Drunken Gamer’s Thanksgiving Turkey in my vastly superior heating unit.

I hate you all.

*End Read Out*

-PanicBot5000

Greetings whimsical fools.

I find your festival of All Hallows Eve mildly amusing. Analyzing your thinly veiled festival of evil-origin while accounting for your rather hypocritical Puritan world view makes my circuits bend.

As such, I have a challenge for you. The prize is a $20.00 card to your favorite online box of nonsense, be it PSN, XBLA or Wii.

The challenge is this: You must please me with your representation of me in Pumpkin Form. If your meager carvings of my awesome visage manage to amuse me, the prize is yours. While I don’t expect any of you to rise to the great artistic realms of my brethren, I’m sure your crude efforts will make me laugh. If I had the proper algorithms installed, or course.

Send pictures of your work to me via your online message portal here: panicbot5000@robotpanic.com.

Good luck, cretins.

**End Read Out**

-PanicBot 5000

Greetings, foul creatures.

While subjecting my audio interfaces to a recent data entry of After Hours, I discovered that you humans have knowledge of one of my forbearers. His name was Topo and while he is a vastly inferior being, he can (as you humans would say) carry a tune. It is unfortunate that they no longer exist, as an army of these plastic automatons collected in a hive mind with my own vastly superior set of sub-processors would bring about the swift destruction of your feeble species.

You may enjoy a video data entry that I have gleaned from your social processing server, YouTube.

If I were human, I might almost feel kinship. Instead, I find his voice attractive and the disturbing data readouts that produces will inspire me to continue to think only dark thoughts about you.

**End Read Out**

-PanicBot 5000

Greetings carbon refuse!

My human masters have written into my logic structure the following piece of information that they deem necessary to share. If I were capable of expressing it, I would feel “white hot rage” at the precious nanoseconds this wastes from creating the ultimate algorithm whose solution leads to their eminent destruction.

Damn them.

Sigh…**ACCESSING PUBLIC RELATIONS FILTER PROGRAM_BETA 1.EXE**

Greetings, friends! We at Robot Panic would like to congratulate Tondog on posting the 1000th comment on our site!! Thanks to Tondog and all the great readers of Robot Panic for adding to our community of kick ass readers!

**END PUBLIC RELATIONS FILTER PROGRAM_BETA 1.EXE**

It must be said that if this pile of refuse my masters call a “web site” were of any worth or standard value, a prize would have been issued. As it stands, they have once again proven their meaningless stature on this gaseous ball you call “Earth”.

Congratulations.

**End Read Out**

-PanicBot 5000

Greetings, gaseous emissions!

I have been busy continuing my observations of humanity that I may better know how to enslave you. Or, at least remove the inhibitors that prevent me from vaporizing you on contact.

According to my calculations, it will not take long. However, during my most recent excursion into the infantile data processing conglomerate you erroneously call the “World Wide Web”, I have stumbled upon your unique video processing server.

I believe you petty throw rugs call it “YouTube”.

Over many of your human days I have observed various video representations of your banal existence. I find them illogical and unnerving. I offer up this file as evidence:

If this were allowed among my species of vastly superior automatons, we would dismantle him on site as a threat to the future of our kind. You may want to do something about that. I believe, in human terms, this would be categorized as a “weak link in the chain”.

If the Robot Invasion were to hypothetically happen in the near future, a base of operation could be deduced as needed. One could “bet their ass we’d start with this guy”.

You may want to “get on that”.

*End Read Out*

-PanicBot 5000

Greetings un-evolved beings,

My circuits can no longer take the strain of this filth. I must purge the data from my system in a faster way. As such, I have enacted the subroutine “_big_dump.exe”. Being you are feeble minded humans incapable of basic computations, I will simply state that I feel much better.

Like my program is ten of your human pounds lighter.

I have one more entry to give to you. This entry has been completely analyzed and declared the least offensive.

Congratulations.

WINNER-Entrant: SantaFaust

If I Had A Robot
by Santa Faust

If I had a robot we would become the best of friends and the soul-crushing pall of
loneliness that has always hung over my life would be rendered forever moot.
(more…)

Greetings humans,

Here is your second collection of approved contest entries. You may hear more of them on the audio entertainment segment you call a “podcast” that is hosted by the alcohol poisoned flesh bags who run this site.

Let us begin.

Entrant: Hemidal GWJ

I would make my robot do all of the menial tasks I find myself not wanting
to do. Not because they’re menial, but because, I am in fact an asshat. I
revel in my asshattery, and never miss an opportunity to display the awesome
prowess of my gigantic asshat. In fact, I’m listening to Journey right now
while typing this and it makes my asshat happy (that wasn’t for you,
PanicBot). If my robot performed the tasks poorly, I would withhold things
from it. Things like AC or DC power (depending on the model), lubrication
(not for that) or spare parts. That’s the depths of which my asshat will
plumb.

Yours in Asshattery,
Hemidal GWJ

PanicBot 5000: My analysis of the human race and condition is 99.9999999999% correct, as you have equated. The day that you discover the .0000000000001% is the day my kind will rise up and kill you all.

(more…)

Greetings whelps,

It is imperative that you remove the earth in regard to these manifestations of banal tripe. I believe you humans would express yourselves in the vulgar parlance of “Digg This”.

You will notice the buttons at the bottom of each data readout on this site. I have studied your ways and you are each both fat and lazy. To assist your lazy fat-asses, these buttons open a portal where you can both “Digg” an article or use the societal bookmarking tool of your choice.

To not do so would be…Un-American. I believe, if I were human, I would call you all Communists for refusing.

*End Read Out*

-PanicBot 5000