We’re pretty opinionated when it comes to music here at Robot Panic. Each of us have degrees in the subject, and as such music is a big part of our lives. So with that in mind, we’ve filtered down the five worst rock bands of all time. Now, keep in mind that we didn’t go with some terrible cover bands we saw at a local dive bar, or bands that were mere flashes-in-the-pan. We went with bands who, at least for a couple albums, were massively popular with a handful of Top 40 hits. Bands that somehow suckered legions of fools into buying their albums and attending their concerts. Some of you may see a band or two on this list that you love. And if that’s the case, you may want to take a closer look at the rest of your life, because it may turn out to be a total sham.

Just sayin’.

Now, please enjoy.

5) Firehouse

The lamest hair band ever.

The 80s were a terrible time. The dominant music of the day was hair metal, a subgenre of something that started out cool, and quickly turned into ass-clowns on parade. In the spirit of full disclosure, as a teenage boy living in Wisconsin, I dug me some hair metal back in the day. But as much as I could throw up the devil horns to Motley Crue, Dokken, or even Poison, I could not – under any circumstances – stomach Firehouse. These four produced the most hideous sounds of that period; the sorts of sounds only enjoyable to menstruating junior high girls.

Firehouse had hits with “(Baby) Don’t Treat Me Bad” (I’m not kidding, that was the title), and “All She Wrote”, which was known for it’s harmonized singing of “Bye, bye, baby bye, bye”. But the biggest scam they ever achieved was taking the music from their hit “Love of a Lifetime” and replacing the lyrics for their next hit “When I Look Into Your Eyes.” If you’ve ever been to a wedding reception you’ve heard both of these songs. They’re the songs that make the fat cousin who works in accounts payable cry over her cup of Miller Lite.

If you cruise the county fair circuit, you can still hear Firehouse harmonizing candy-coated lyrics over the smell of cow shit, cotton candy, and pixie dust.
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So, as our country’s economy continues to crumble, many of you will find yourselves suddenly without employment. However, all is not lost. After all, you have some time before those bills roll in, and even longer before they start shutting stuff off and such. So, in order to make the best of this time, let’s discuss some things to make sure you enjoy during those last fleeting moments of electricity and plumbing.

1: Catch up on your back catalog. Let’s face it, you may not have electricity or internet for long, so now’s the time to finish all those old games and max out that gamerscore. Save the handheld games for last. You know, because you can play them while living in your car. I know I’ll be rocking our Armored Core, Okami, and a few others between cashing unemployment checks.

2: Catch up on some reading. Enjoy the boon that is electricity while you have it, and use it to read after sundown. Currently I’m finishing the entire Black Company series. Which is utterly fantastic. And looks sufficiently disturbing enough to keep people form attempting to interact with me while I wait for interviews, etc.

3: Bathe. Let’s face it, enough time without utilities and you’re going to acquire an odor. A funk, if you will. Eau de goat. So to prolong that as long as possible, make use of as much hygiene as you can. No one’s going to employ man-goat.

4: Consider marrying wealthy. Sure you’ll be morally and emotionally empty inside, but your stomach won’t be, now will it? Aim for the elderly for a brief, but horrifying marital experience.

5: Make up old loans you’ve given to friends with poor memories, then collect. This works particularly well if you have friends who have managed to destroy their short term memory with various substances. “Hey Joe, remember that $50,000 I leant you four years ago? Yeah, I’m going to need that back now.” The downside here is Joe has likely smoked away his life savings as well as his short term memory, and may be broke. If you’re in Alaska, bonus! You can try this on Palin.

6: Become very, very good at deathmatch. Remember how pissed off you get at that guy on COD4 or Halo 3 who’s just absurdly good at the game and must sit in his mom’s basement and play eight hours a day? Now YOU can be that guy! Piss people off! Abandon all social contact with the world!

7: Find gainful employment. Sure times are tough, but with a little hard work and some creative resume building anyone can…

hehe. BWAHAHAHA.

Ok, yeah, I couldn’t finish that with a straight face. You’re hosed. Start selling blood. And organs.

Best of luck as you and others flounder in this sea of economic crapitude

The return of the JRPG

The last couple of years for Japanese Role Playing Games has been lacking to say the least. Final Fantasy XII was the last huge release for the genre, and that game wasn’t what I would call…good. Since then the genre went pretty much dormant except for the occasional sign of life (Persona 3) or big time disappointment (Blue Dragon). However this year saw some truly fantastic entries into the genre with games like Lost Oddysey, Tales Of Vesperia, Disgaea 3, The World Ends With You, and the grand finale of 2008 that was Shin Megami Tensei Persona 4. With the 800 pound gorilla that is Final Fantasy XIII on the horizon, I can’t wait to see what the genre puts out in 2009. Dragon Quest IX and White Knight Chronicles have peaked my interest.

Mega Box Sets from HBO

Everyone loves DVD box sets, and everyone loves HBO. When you put them together, you have a chocolate & peanut butter situation. However this match made in heaven tends to be expensive as fuck. So when John’s check signers decided to have a mega sale on all HBO box sets last week when I happened to have a bunch of Christmas cash, I decided to get two shows that I’ve never and always wanted to watch: The Sopranos: the complete series and The Wire: the complete series, which pretty much everyone is in agreement are two of the best TV shows ever made. Apparently this deal also caught my brothers eye, who proceeded to get me Deadwood: the complete series as well. That my friends is over 170 hours of content across 75 discs, so whatever spare time I have for games is now gone. Also: kudos to whoever puts these sets together, as they are all gorgeous. The Sopranos case is this giant book with the season laid out as the pages, and it might be the best box set EVARRR. Add to these the Blu Ray release of Band Of Brothers earlier this year, and HBO has done some fucking awesome work this year…if you got the cash.
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2008 was a hell of a year in just about every category, from movies to music to world events to video games… It seemed that with every new day, something crazy and unexpected was just on the horizon, from a presidential candidate choosing a complete buffoon as his running mate to Chinese Democracy finally being released. Here are a few of my most notable memories from 2008.

The Movies: While The Dark Knight seems to have made everybody’s list, I’ll add Iron Man and Pineapple Express to my list. Poor Iron Man came out of the gate swinging, and I came out of the theater proclaiming that it was the greatest superhero movie ever made. And it was…for a couple months until Heath Ledger blew everybody’s damn mind. Nevertheless, Robert Downey Jr. was stellar as Tony Stark and Jon Favreau brought my favorite Marvel superhero to the big screen perfectly.

Seriously, I probably watched this trailer over a hundred times before the movie was released. Pineapple Express is not only my favorite movie of the year, but it’s the best movie Seth Rogan has ever been in. It also reminded me that James Franco is at his best when he’s funny. The guy is a great comedic actor and I hope the success of Pineapple Express encourages him to do more with the funny.

The Gadgets: I used a plural, but in truth there is only one gadget to mention in 2008: the iPhone 3G. Never in my life did I think a phone could change the way in which I live my life. But the iPhone is the most important device I own and the one thing that I must have with me at all times. I use it to watch movies, listen to music and podcasts, play video games, check news, browse the internet, update Robot Panic, take pictures, take notes, text dirty messages to Hilden and Moe, and of course call people. The App Store has completely revolutionized nearly everything in my life, and because of this wonderful gadget, I have joined Hilden in the cult of Steve Jobs.

The Games: Boy oh boy oh boy oh boy…there were some excellent games released in ’08. Among my favorites were Professor Layton and the Curious Village, No More Heroes, Burnout Paradise, Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots, Little Big Planet, Dragon Quest IV (DS), Fable II, Mario Kart Wii, Super Smash Bros. Brawl, Shin Megami Tensei: Persona 4, and Motorstorm: Pacific Rift. Not to mention great downloadables like Castle Crashers, Megaman 9, and Galaga Legions. But the game that simply blew us all away was Left 4 Dead. Our obsession with zombies has been well-documented here at Robot Panic, but even we were stunned to find out just how incredible Left 4 Dead was. The game took nearly everything that is great about zombie movies (relentless hordes, a group of unlikely survivors, an ultimate standoff) and translated it perfectly into the greatest multiplayer game I’ve experienced in years. I was all set to choose Little Big Planet as my Game of the Year, but one evening with Left 4 Dead was all it took to change my mind. Hell, the game is so good that even Moe is playing it. Hilden and I had to buy him a 360 just so he’d stop playing our copies.
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While these picks are listed, this is really just a collection of ten things (out of many) I found cool this year. They are not ranked in any particular order and each is just as awesome, in my mind, as the next.

The Dark Knight-My favorite movie of the year and proof positive that somebody “gets it” when it comes to comic book stories and characters. The fact that we’ve had two movies that get to the heart of characterization and manage to see past the colorful art and “comics are for children” stereotype, make me happy to wear the moniker of “nerd”. Stunningly crafted, filled with amazing performances and propelled by an amazing script and visionary director, The Dark Knight is why I go to the movies.

2008 Election-I have never cared as much or been a part of something so sweeping as what happened this November 4th. I, like so many others I know, went from a jaded and bitter member of the United States of America to someone who became proud of the only nation I’ve ever wanted to call home. It sounds like brazen hyperbole when I say it, but I assure you it’s true, my faith in the American People has been restored for the first time in what feels like forever. I know not everyone agrees, but as far as I’m concerned, there was no moment greater than Election Night, 2008.

iPhone 3G-Of course, the iPhone was actually first released in 2007, but the latest 3G iteration of Apple’s phone is the definitive version for number of reasons. First off, 3G networking is the gold standard, at this point, for any phone wanting to use the internet, download movies and just get shit done out in the wild. Second, the 3G brought along with it the App Store. Finally, the iPhone is the behemoth it should have been in the first place. With applications that truly make the phone sing, the App Store fleshed out an already imposing technological masterpiece. Quite possibly the most impressive piece of tech I own, the iPhone has made organization and getting shit done attainable, even for a hopeless case like me.

The Streets-Everything Is Borrowed- I buy very few albums these days. What I like, I usually find in the single track world of digital download. When I saw the latest album from The Streets, however, I immediately grabbed it and walked to the checkout line. Filled with the a happy vibe, some very catchy tunes and Mike Skinner’s signature Birmingham accent, it’s become one of my most listened to and favorite albums of 2008. It’s a shame we only get one more The Street’s opus but until that moment, this’ll do fine.
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Ah, the moment you’ve all been waiting for, plebians. My picks of stuff and nonsense.

10) Diary of the Dead: Romero has returned to us with more zombie joy. Despite a main character that would have made more sense being written into a 15 y/o fanfiction rather than a major movie release, the film stuck to it’s roots. Zombies, survivors, zombies and survivors being maimed in creative ways, and a little bit of light social commentary to go along with it. While I’m apparently still the one who enjoyed Land of the Dead, I appreciate Romero getting back to the original, cannibalistic undead roots of his stories.

9) iPhone 3G: It has single-handedly revolutionized crapper activities, as well as becoming to closest iteration of a handheld, works-anywhere laptop computer I’ve ever seen. The new iPhone as well as the App store support it has received has redefined the superphone and probably become the single most absurdly useful device I have ever owned. So, why does it not rank higher? Apple rigidly locking down functionality that should have been part of the thing from day one and the sheer obnoxiousness of having to wait in line to sign multi-year agreement for the device both annoy me. So down to #9 you go phone.

I still love you.

8 ) Good Old Games (Gog.com): It’s a site that has been built for the sole purpose of repackaging our PC nostalgia and selling it to us, at a fair price, with no DRM, and working on modern machines. Black Isle Studios titles? Check. SCUMM adventure games? check (and two are free with the last update). Phneri awash in a cheap gaming paradise? Check.

7)  NXE: No, it isn’t bigger than Jesus, but the Netflix thing is pretty badass, and even now I’m plotting to acquire a bigger hard drive to avoid the whine of the 360′s DVD drive.

Oh, and my Avatar goes into the night and violates your avatar while you sleep. In every way imaginable.  So I’ve got that going.

My initial reaction to the NXE was an overwhelming ‘meh,’ but after giving it some time I’ve gotten to like the extra features, and managed to save a fair amount of change by dropping cable in lieu of watching things instantly through the 360.  So yeah, it’s not bad. And Grindhouse is on it.
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Ok so here it is, my favourite things of 2008 in no particular order.

Speed Racer
So everyone else here is making mention to the Dark Knight which I agree is a phenomenal film. That said, I’d like to move onto the much overlooked but equally awesome Speed Racer. For me this film is the closest I’ll get to a film about one of my greatest passions: F-Zero. Whilst this isn’t exactly the same there are many similarities to be found and it does have an incredible amount of BOOOOOOST! Folks who know me know that I have a thing for boost… check out this ‘interesting’ little video that the delightful M.C. Wilson took of me during one of the evenings at PAX earlier this year.

So aside from a lot of boost, this film actually delivers a pretty decent story which is intentionally over-the-top super cheese, I think it’d be hard to come away from this without a huge Joker-sized grin on their face. It’s possibly the best looking Blu Ray film I’ve watched to date, brimming with style, incredible colour as well as some of the fastest action scenes you’ll ever see.

Blu Ray
Okay, okay I hear ya! So Blu Ray was released a while back. What I’m talking about here though is Blu Ray winning the format war. Last year it was still unknown which format was safe to buy for which was bad for all of us and in having one set format we can all finally move forward with conifdence and retail can start buying bulk which in turn leads to decent pricing. This is good for all concerned and I’m very happy to be in the HiDef Film generation.

Lost Odyssey
Like others at Robot Panic, this game blew me away. I’m proud to say that I picked it up first as a Japanese import as it was multi-language and boy I’m glad I did. It wasn’t long before my hyping of this game got many of my friends to buy the game including many of the guys here and I was elated to see a near universal agreement about how great this game is. I’m picking this as one of my SOTY nominations due to its mind-blowing story telling. This has been the only game to date which has openly made me cry due to plotline and delivery.

Adding to the great story telling in game though was something much more unique, daring and in hindsight very rewarding. Scattered throughout the game were these wonderfully produced stories penned out buy an award winning Japanese novelist, Kiyoshi Shigematsu, called ‘A Thousand Years of Dreams’. Not only were these unique to videogames but they were also surprisingly deep, involving and emotional way to deliver story content to the viewer on a TV set.
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Maria Schneider

A native of Windom, Minnesota, and a graduate of the University of Minnesota, this incredible woman continues to almost single-handedly rewrite the direction of composition for jazz ensemble year after year, and 2008 was no different.  Schneider released her latest album entitled “Sky Blue” to much critical acclaim and a brought home another grammy for her tune, “Cerulean Skies.”  Incredible musician and all-around benevolent human, Maria Schneider is a name those of you with an interest in composition, jazz, or improvised music ought to dedicate a little time in the coming year.  Point of interest: she was one of the first artists to work with www.artistshare.com, an online avenue for artists to propose, fund, and share their work without playing any games with corporate entities.  Give ‘em some love.  www.MariaSchneider.com

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart

Proof positive that real journalists practicing real journalism do, in fact, still exist in the world, they just happen to wear fake beards, tell dirty jokes, and generally get straight to the damn point.  Here’s to you, Jon! (more…)

Cut Chemist & DJ Shadow – The Hard Sell Encore
Four Mixers, Eight Turntables, and a set entirely composed of vinyl 45s, our turntable heroes, Cut Chemist and DJ Shadow resume doing what they do best. Fucking with your mind with the novelty, easy listening, new wave, doo-wop, honky-tonk, rock, electro, and pretty much every other genre ever made except…speed metal? What could get more fucked up, a 22 minute tribute to Atari, but with class. And Everlong is in that track for some reason. And Bonecrusher. It’s just really confusing. But hey, the cover art is two robot vinyl jukeboxes murdering iPods with lasers. The picture wins 70 internets and the album serves as the best thing of 2008.

Epson Duet Projector Screen
I used to have a home theater made by god. It was just a projector and surround sound blown up into some obcene 108” screen. Life was fantastic for a college student. Then I graduated. Lost everything ‘cause I had to move and could no longer afford shit. Put up with a 1-bedroom place for some time. No space to setup shop, so I gave all my equipment to SC Clown Disease. Later, I score a job and move out to some house renting style. The woman, demanding to reassemble the jesus theater solely to play Rock Band, picks this thing up on Buy.com for like, $150. It’s not a 108” portal into heaven, but it’s still an 80” Widescreen television that can be shrunk into a 4:3 ratio size whenever I want. I can also wall mount it or stand it up. Matched with my newly reclaimed Onkyo Receiver, Bose speakers, and an Optoma Projector, my new basement of legends is complete. Man. What a self-serving paragraph. My bad.

Barack Obama
You should Skreemr Black President by Nas. Greatness. I like to ask my mom if Barack bombed any buildings with Ayers yet since she still insists he’s a terrorists because Fox and GOP websites that use Fox clips as youtube sources told her so. And then she would spam me links; so very many links claiming anything from gopusa.com is a credible source.

Debt, gloom, and hearing how much Americans are sucking took a backseat to hear what this guy had to say. It was very interesting watching pretty much every single possible outlet of media I ran into do just about everything they possibly could minus coordinating an assassination attempt to try and stop this guy from getting anywhere. It was almost like watching Mr. Smith Goes To Washington…but in color and directed by Spike Lee.

The living, breathing C-C-C-Combo Breaker better not fuck up this chance. Godspeed, sir. Godspeed.
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2008 was quite the year. It was very much a year of surprises, be it the election of a black president, finding out that Axl Rose wasn’t just spending all of that money on blow and hookers, Titanic‘s massive box office record being nearly dethroned by, of all things, a Batman film, or the fact that there was an Indiana Jones flick that was not only worse than Temple of Doom, but possibly worse than all three Star Wars prequels. Yes, as Harrison Ford has shown us, the year had some disappointments, to be sure. But let’s take a look at some of it’s triumphs.

But before I get started in earnest, I should note that any of the following could take just about any position on the list. This year was a great one for film, music, games and otherwise, and all of these entries are in my collective best-of.

10.) The Shield -  This year saw the end of the award-winning FX series centering around Vic Mackey, a crooked cop working in L.A.’s most notorious gang district. Throughout the seven seasons, we’ve seen Mackey do some unspeakable things in the name of his own twisted form of justice, and in the interest of his own bank account. He’s killed criminals and cops alike, forced false confessions, and robbed mafia money laundering setups. But throughout it all, he’s done it with a sense of loyalty for the ones he loved that still made him a likable – if flawed – antihero. However, in the episode before the finale, the writers turned the tables on the audience, giving us a look at what a wretched person Vic suddenly realized he was. The entire show’s thesis was revealed, one of sins and redemption. In the final season, it was made clear that someone would pay for Mackey’s sins, but we didn’t know who. So many characters had their own motives and drives that each one’s fate was up in the air until the final moments of the series. The traditionally high-octane, action-packed ended with a season of thoughtful character progression, and culminating in some of the most heartbreaking scenes of loss and betrayal to ever grace television. Never could I have imagined that the writers could have brought the series to such a poetically satisfying end.

9.) Zack and Miri Make a Porno – I’m a bit more of a newcomer to the collected works of Kevin Smith. I had seen Dogma while ago, but I only saw Clerks for the first time two years ago, and the rest of his films since. However, one upside to this is that I get to see the entire span of his career in a short time, and with each film I get to see him grow more as a filmmaker. And with this, his eighth film, he shows his most substantial maturation yet. He displays the style of comedy he has become famous for, and ends the film with an almost direct address to the audience leading up to the big emotional climax. But above all else, it’s simply a funny film. The humor is certainly not for everyone, especially those offended by the filthiest of language, but if you’re willing to brave the torrent of swears and foul talk, you’ll be rewarded for it. This is Smith at his most comfortable, and really gets me interested to see what he does next.

8.) Lost Odyssey -  Okay, I’ll admit it: I’m new to this whole “RPG” thing. Sure, I’ve played my fair share of Pokemon, and yes, the grid-based Strategy RPG Disgaea is one of my all-time favorites. But when it comes to the traditional JRPGs like Final Fantasy or Dragon Quest, I’m at a loss. In fact, when I first picked up Lost Odyssey, most of it was new to me. Yes I was familiar with the stereotypical tropes of the genre, but I hadn’t yet become jaded enough to let it bother me. I found the combat fun and engaging, the story was unique, the characters were diverse and likable, and the game was well-paced enough to not keep me in the same environment for too long. Suddenly, all of my previous notions about how dated and boring JRPGs were went out the window. Aside from the pacing and gameplay, it’s also a technical marvel as well. The localized voice acting is excellent, and the visuals play with cinematic aspects like depth of field to give the game a look all it’s own. I still haven’t finished it, but it’s the game that I’m most excited to revisit.
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