I know it’s strange to get worked up about a recipe for relish. I mean, of all the condiments we use on our hot dogs and burgers, relish is generally the least appreciated. But when visiting some friends a few years back, I put some of this relish on my hot dog and immediately had to know its story. Where did they get it? How was it made? What’s in it? Was it a family recipe? My friends looked at me strangely, probably mistaking my enthusiasm for sarcasm. But after some coaxing, I learned the the recipe had been passed down from their great-grandparents and each year they would get together as a family to make a giant batch of this amazing relish. After telling me the story, they gave me a jar and sent me on my way. But, of course, this shit doesn’t last forever. And after years of begging, I finally nabbed the recipe and got a walk-through of how to make it. And, because I’m a nice guy, I’m now going to share it with you.

You’re going to need some supplies for this project. You’ll need a food processor, a very large mixing bowl, a large pot, a spatula, around six jars and lids, and a large colander. This last item is key. Preferably, you’ll want to have the type of colander that sits on a stand, allowing juices to be drained into a bowl beneath. See the picture below for an example of what I’m talking about. If you don’t have – or can’t find – one of those, just try to rig something that allows you to drain the juices, perhaps by simply setting the colander on top of a large mixing bowl.

Now, before I list the recipe, keep in mind that this was passed down through generations. Therefore, the amounts are mostly approximations and you’ll have to use your best judgement.
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The Story

For those of you following the DGR Twitter feed, you are probably aware (whether you care to be or not) of my summer decree: learn to feed self.  Seriously, it’s like I just moved out of my parents house.  I realize how juvenile it may sound, but 12 years of living alone and working hours that almost never allow for a self-prepared meal make for some pretty stupid eating habits.  Fortunately, my job provides some down time in the summer, which I will use this year in what will surely be an embarrassing, if not exciting, attempt to learn how to cook.  And I mean REALLY cook.

Of course, there is  the running joke on the Robot Panic site about me asking John how to cook SpaghettiOs in college.  Sadly, while slightly misrepresented (barely), it is mostly true… entirely.  Since that time, I had learned to make my own pasta noodles, ravioli, various sauces, seafood, etc., but those are extremely time intensive meals that only appear for special occasions.  In the meantime, I was throwing away piles of produce that I couldn’t eat before it went bad and stocking up on processed food (because it lasted forever), which is terrible for your health.  After spending some time with a few people who genuinely cared about their food, I began to develop an appreciation for eating better and also noticing the general benefits that followed: higher energy levels, improved physical health, etc.

All that aside, I have begun with a few new tools and am about five weeks into my little, but increasingly expensive experiment.  Fortunately, it’s worth every penny.  Probably by a factor of ten, if I can keep it going.  So far, I am very much enjoying the change of pace and loving the results.  The first purchases were the following:

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Here we are, awaiting Firkin Fest this weekend, so I decided it’s about time to bring out the article I’ve been sitting on for a year and a half: the Surly feature. Surly is my favorite brewery, and while not all of their beers are A+, they all offer something wonderful to explore. What I really like about them is that they don’t brew to traditional style; rather they brew what they think will taste good with a nod to a certain style. For example, Furious is usually described as a double IPA, but it contains too much malt for the style. The brewers at Surly just brew what they would like to drink and they have gained a rabid following because of it.

Surly Hell. 5.1%ABV. Very limited offering, available for about a month 1x a year.
Pours a clear golden-orange. It is unfiltered, but I don’t detect floaties. The head is bone white and dissipates quickly, even in my Duvel glass.

Smell is very sweet, light malt with a clean touch of dried apricot. Just barely there is a hint of white pepper.

Very smooth mouthfeel; goes down like buttery white bread. Carbonation is just right, not too much, almost feels like a cask beer.

The taste is super clean and the unfiltered nature of it gives it just enough breadiness to give it plenty of depth for the beer that is Surly’s tamest offering. This would hold up to all kinds of food pairings because it has a clean flavor, but it is so deep that even bleu cheese would pair nicely. After drinking it a bit, the hops come out a bit more and you can taste the faint bitterness. Treading water in there is fresh, lightly popped popcorn. Alcohol is faintly detected on the exhale.

Surly Furious. 6.2% ABV. Offered year round.
Furious is my desert island beer. When I wake up in the morning, I can remember I had some the night before because I’m still tasting hops as I brush my teeth. One of the great things about this beer is that to the seasoned Furious drinker, you can pick out variations in the batches from time to time. Rather than a distraction, this really lets me ponder the beer I am drinking and when I get an especially great batch it really blows me away. Sometimes I find floaties in it, sometimes I don’t. Usually the floaties clue me in that it’s going to be especially good but that’s not always the case. Another great thing about Furious is that the malt used in it is that same malt used for making The Macallan, a world-class whisky (and one of my favorites).

Pours a hazy red amber. Thick head that leaves lots of lacing down the sides of the glass.

Smell: lots of grapefruit with richly roasted malt. A hint of grassiness creeps up toward the end. Just the slightest hint of nougat.

Toasted malt and citrus blast away. The hops impart a pungent herbal and catty punch in the face. Slight alcohol warmth is present. Mouthfeel is medium light. Malty sweetness burrows through at the end along with orange peel dipped in molasses.

16 Grit. 9%ABV. Brewed once.
At the end of 2008, Surly brewed too much beer for the state of Minnesota to allow them to continue to sell growlers (a refillable 64oz. bottle) at the brewery site. As a thank you to the people who were loyal growler customers, they brewed a one-time beer where you could bring your empty growlers for a farewell fill on the four final days of the year. On the first day it was available I picked up the four empties I had sitting around the house and took a long lunch break to stand two and a half hours in line. The next day, I took my two empties and aching head to the brewery, but they had already run out. I talked to Omar, the owner, and he said they miscalculated the volume a bit – they used such a huge volume of hops in the dry hop process (where you dump hops straight into the tank while it is fermenting) that the hops had soaked up a major portion of the beer. I was about half an hour late for the last pour. The beer has since become legendary among beer geeks.

Pours a dirty Amber brown with a generous head if poured aggressively.

Smell has orange peel, lemon zest, fresh grass that has been dried out for a day, spicy white pepper.

In the taste there is a huge citrus presence with bitter orange peel and sweetened lemon. Light caramel in the body. Popcorn kernels roasted to the point of almost burnt. Green grass. Something is alive in here. Bitterness sits on the back of the tongue and hangs out, calls some friends over for dinner.

Thoroughly, utterly enjoyable. My wife calls this Mrs. Furious. Just as hoppy, but seductively sweet.

As it warms, some marshmallow is present and then in the middle, hiding amongst all the bitterness and citrus is a line of pure sugar sweetness, which balances everything with precision. Very faint alcohol presence, which is mind blowing considering the 9% ABV.

Had you been at the Watchmen meet-up, you would probably have been served this out of the trunk of my car.

CynicAle. 6.7% ABV. Brewed year round.
Pours a murky straw with a generous head.

Smell: very bright banana, dried apricot, coriander. A lively yeast smell is detected.

A mellow yeast with coriander comes through initially. White pepper is found along with a faint grassy hop flavor. A hint of dried banana comes through. At the finish is toasted malt. Deceptively drinkable for the high alcohol content.

This is the beer that converted a colleague of mine from Miller Lite. Now he has two bottles of Darkness in his fridge.

Surly Bender. 5.1% ABV. Available all year.
Pours an opaque dark brown with a smallish head.

Smell contains faint chalk, light molasses, brown sugar, and a hint of banana bread.

Deeply roasted coffee flavors. At first, a touch of burnt popcorn, chocolate and honey. Hops leave a dry grassy flavor with a hint of dry biscuit. Honey becomes more prominent as it warms.

This is a dangerously drinkable beer.

Surly Coffee Bender. 5.1%ABV. Available year round.
Pours a root beer brown. The head is a thick tan that stays around for a while. Beautiful.

Smell initially contains fresh coffee, then gives way to the distinct roasted malt of Bender. The coffee comes back again with the same smell you get from the residue of a freshly emptied coffee bean bag.

First taste is deep coffee, heavily roasted, and then more coffee. The taste that comes out would be like if you had been given a naked Sumatra bean that had been in the middle of a bag of chocolate covered beans. There is a bitterness here that regular Bender does not have; slightly orange rind with white pepper. Just the right amount of alcohol heat is felt on the exhale, giving this a very warm and comforting feeling. Mouthfeel is not too thick, something like 1% milk.

This is highly drinkable and the addition of caffeine makes it a good warm up to an evening of drinking fine beer.

Bitter Brewer. 4% ABV. Brewed early to mid summer annually.
Pours orange with burnt amber. A great whiff of fresh bright hops in the nose. The hops smell of dry grass and an earthy floralness.

Bright and crackery on the tongue, medium light mouthfeel. A very dry and refreshing bitterness jumps in immediately afterward. The carbonation is just thick enough to give it a casklike quality, and it immediately forms into a thick foam when it is swished around in the mouth.

The best way I can describe the taste would be almost like a dry biscuit or cracker made with a good amount of butter and sprinkled with dry sun-baked summer grass. Alcohol is imperceptible on the exhale. This is a great session beer to watch football with and drink all day.

Well, that’s it on my Surly notes. If you want to drink more Surly vicariously through me, check out the Darkness Day write up I did late last year or the SurlyFest tasting in the Oktoberfest article.

I feel like I’m going to have a heart attack. And I did this for you, dear readers. While waiting to pay for my comics at the local comic book shop, I decided to grab a little something to drink. And in the impulse-buy cooler located conveniently next to the check-out counter, I spotted these two little beauties:

How could I resist the temptation?

So I coughed up the two bucks each, threw the drinks in my bag, brought them home and chugged them down. And now my heart feels like it’s going to beat out of my chest. And it’s no wonder, look at the color of this shit:

For those wondering, it’s hard to say which one tasted better…or worse. Both the Megaman E-Tank and the Pac-Man Bonus Fruit Energy Drink tasted like some sort of sugar/fruit explosion and the flavors were unrecognizable thanks to the burning sensation it left as it seared down my throat.

So I just saved you four bucks and blood in your urine. You’re welcome.

Moichendising!

Yogurt said it best. The key to success is merchandising. T-Shirts, toys, posters, games. Whatever sort of crap you can toss at rabid fans. If I’ve learned anything from George Lucas it’s that even if your movie sucks (Episode I), you can still make a killing off merchandising.

One of my favorite shows on television is HBO’s True Blood. It’s rare that I find a show that interests both my wife and me, but this one hit the jackpot. Now, I must first mention that I find 99% of vampire stories to be…well…for lack of a better term: gay. (Not that there’s anything wrong with that.) But seriously, just take Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt in Interview with the Vampire. Those two were one take away from full-on penetration and their abysmal spin on Anne Rice’s novel made me walk out of the theater questioning my sexuality. And don’t get me started on Twilight. I haven’t even seen the movies, but the trailers alone give me an uncomfortable tingling feeling in my anus.

But I digress.

Suffice it to say that True Blood kicks ass. Every episode contains buckets of blood, oodles of boobs, and a few laughs mixed in for good measure. Each week, my wife and I sit down to watch the crazy story of a small Louisiana town as the citizens cope with vampires, shape-shifters, and all sorts of other crazy beings.

For the uninitiated, the premise of the show is when Japanese scientists create a synthetic blood capable of replacing real, human blood, the vampires who have been living hidden among us for centuries “come out”, so to speak. They make their presence known, now that they don’t have to hunt humans as prey. True Blood becomes a bottled beverage, sold in different varieties (Type O Positive, Type A Negative, etc.), and vampire bars pop up all over the country. Of course, some vampires still seek the thrill of the hunt, but that’s a different story. We’re here to talk about the beverage based on the TV show.

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So today we’re going to divert from the usual conversation on beer, hard liquor, and Moe’s boxer briefs fetish. Today we’re going to discuss wine.

As some of you know, I’ve spent the last week in California, roaming the central valley, tasting dozens of wines a day, and buying the most delicious and interesting. Yes, I suffer so that I may write for you, dear reader. How I suffer.

I’m going to discuss a few wineries and the more awesome things they brought forth. Be warned: some of these places get spendy. If you can’t see dropping $40 or so on a really awesome bottle, that’s fine. I invite you to return to your box wine and white zinfandel now with the knowledge that if you should ever meet me and make the mistake of touching my wine glass with either of these things I will murder you with a hammer.

They will never find the body.

That aside, let’s discuss a few delicious wineries:

Eos: Location: Paso Robles, CA. Pricing $-$$
Eos Website

Great wine and a fantastic price range on the selection. The guys at Eos make a ton of excellent wine. The Lost Angel label is their budget label, and is quite tasty. The Lost Angel Mischief stands out as a tasty, fruity blend with great legs that can hold up to a heavy pizza, etc. At $14 (site listing) you won’t mind popping this open for a cheap meal or around people you don’t like that much. The private reserve has a lot of tastiness for a bit more money. Another personal favorite is the “Tears of Dew” Late Harvest. Very sweet and fairly complex for a dessert wine, this guy is also really reasonably priced.

Herman Story/Barrel 27/McPrice Myers
Location: Paso Robles, CA. Pricing $-$$

Barrel 27 homepage
McPrice Myers homepage
Herman Story Hompeage

These three wineries are the work of two guys. Russell P. From is the genius behind Herman Story. McPrice Myers is run by, oddly enough, Mr. Myers. Finally, Barrel 27 is a joint effort by both winemakers.

Barrel 27 is your budget label here. The Head Honcho is there big boy at $28, and is a very impressive Syrah. The Right Hand Man is the second red down for $10 less, and is an absolutely fantastic bottle for that price. This stuff will blow your mind for the money.

McPrice Myers makes some more expensive wine, but also very tasty bottles. L’Ange Rouge is a very nice wine. Unfortunately as of this posting it looks like Beautiful Earth, my far and away favorite, is sold out (Note: The 2007 is still available, but not for long).

Herman Story itself is your head banging, death metal, kickass wine. This shit is phenomenal all around. The Nuts and Bolts advertised on the home page is delicious, as is their Viognier, Cab, and just about anything else. Herman Story has a wine club (as do pretty much all of these guys), and it would behoove you to become a part of it before Mr. From makes fuck you money and ignores all further requests to be a member in delicious.
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Years ago, when I first started watching The Iron Chef, Morimoto was always my favorite of the bunch for not only the incredible-looking dishes he served up, but also for his winning personality. He’s a guy who comes off as charming, humble, and altogether likable in whatever he’s in, whether it be the original Iron Chef program, its American remake, or the countless other Food Network shows he’s appeared in. Several months ago, I talked about my trip to Bobby Flay’s restaurant in Las Vegas, the Mesa Grill, and while it was definitely a cool experience and the food was wonderful, in my mind Mr. Flay is no Morimoto and the chance to eat at Morimoto’s restaurant in Philadelphia was far more exciting to me.

My wife and I made reservations a few days prior. Unfortunately, because we were planning on eating Saturday evening, we were only able to nab reservations for 9pm. I don’t mind eating late, but for the meal we were about to be served, dining well into the night was not ideal.

You see, friends of ours had eaten at Morimoto’s and recommended the Chef’s Choice, or “Omakase”. The idea behind the Omakase is that it’s a sampling of different items on the menu with the intent of giving you a feel for Chef Morimoto’s dishes. The Omakase ranges in price from “$80 – $120 and up”, the price apparently increasing with the quality of ingredients, according to our waitress. We decided to “cheap out” and go with the $80 option.

But first things first: the bar.

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In downtown Philadelphia, down an narrow hidden alley, sits the oldest continuously-run pub in the city, McGillan’s Old Ale House. It’s one of those places that immediately hits you with its charm the moment you walk through the doors. Dimly-lit with wooden beams lining the ceiling, McGillan’s is the quintessential old-time tavern. My wife and I walked through the doors and were immediately greeted by the bar’s owner, who told us to sit wherever we’d like. We chose one of the tables near the fireplace and took a look around.

Lining the walls were the typical bar decor: old pictures, sports news clippings, and a seemingly random collection of antique nick-nacks. But looking through the menu, we discovered that this building contained a boat-load of history.

From their website:

Shortly after the Liberty Bell cracked and long before ground was broken for City Hall, McGillin’s Olde Ale House threw open its doors. Its beer taps have been flowing since 1860 — making it the oldest continuously operating tavern in Philadelphia. McGillin’s has outlasted Strawbridge’s, the Civil War and even Prohibition.

Hit the link for a few photos.

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It was about three years ago that our good friends Savory Cade and Cap’n Rawkenschpiel introduced us to Sailor Jerry. At the time, our rum of choice was Captain Morgan and to us nothing could ever replace it. And when Savory and Cap’n first told us about the Sailor, claiming that it was far superior to our beloved pirate, we simply wrote it off as another impostor akin to Calico Jack and Admiral Nelson.

Shame on us!

One sip of the Sailor and we were sold. Not only was it stronger than Captain, it was smoother and mixed better with Coke. And as a bonus (depending on your point of view), it made us even more surly during podcasts. We never looked back and Sailor Jerry and Coke has been the favorite mixed drink of Drunken Gamers Radio ever since.

On a drunken Sunday afternoon in Philadelphia, I stumbled out of an Irish pub (more on that later), rounded the corner, and saw the sign for the Sailor Jerry store. I rubbed my bloodshot eyes and looked again. Could it be? An entire store dedicated to the greatest rum ever distilled?

Xanadu!

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Trappist beer is a special thing. There are seven breweries in the world that carry the official Trappist seal, and every single beer they brew is a masterpiece. All of these beers are brewed by actual Trappist Monks in monasteries. They have to have something in exchange for that vow of celibacy, right? Well, I don’t know if I would trade carnal relations for these beers, but they sure come a close second.

Six of the seven Trappist breweries are represented here. The seventh monastery, Westvleteren, couldn’t be with us today because they only sell their beer out of the monastery… in Belgium… damn. You can get their beer on Ebay, but I think it works out to a little over $100 for a six-pack of 11.2oz bottles. Another thing to note about Westvleteren is that they brew the #1 rated beer on the planet, at least according to the ratings on beeradvocate.com and ratebeer.com, the two most popular beer sites. When I get to try the Westy 12, I’ll let you know how it is…

I have picked out one beer from each brewery. From Koningshoeven, the quad is the only one I’ve tried. Rochefort does an 8 and 6, but the 10 is the best. Chimay has a white and red, but the Blue is my favorite. Westmalle has one or two others, but the Tripel is the only one I’ve had. I believe Orval and Achel only make one beer apiece. I’m sure I’m wrong somewhere in this paragraph; I’m just too lazy to research.
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