As promised, here they are – unedited – the entries for our Bayonetta contest. Thanks to all who entered and thanks to BenFromOhio for donating the prize.

Oh…and NSFW!!!

Trashonetta

I took the dump truck boss idea and ran with it. Or stole it. Whatever.

Character name: Trashonetta (aka Yuki Yoshiharu)

Sex: Female

Design: Trashonetta is a based on a front loading garbage truck with a clam shell style rear dump. Once just a typical school girl, she was transformed when she was hit by a trash truck full of radioactive waste. After the accident the corrupt politician who was driving put her body in the back of the truck and then abandoned them both in a remote field. In the back with the trash and the radioactive waste, Yuki was left for dead but instead she was transformed and mutated. She grew to stand at just over thirty feet tall and she gained horrible, trash based, powers. She now wears the trash truck like a dress with its headlights as a bra, its clam shell rear door covering her behind and its wheels as roller skates. Her hair is a giant wadded up newspaper that sits on her head like an afro and her hands a dumpsters.

She has three attacks. The first is a basic laser attack from her headlights and the second is a throwing attack where she scoops trash out of her head and throws it at you. For her main attack Trashonetta stops, sticks her butt out at you and looks over her shoulder, touching her fingers to her lips with a “Oh, I’m so naughty!” look. As she does this the rear door of the truck opens with a “BEEP BEEP BEEP” revealing her shapely ass. Soon after this a cloud of noxious gas is released, dealing a great deal of damage to the player and doubling him over so he can’t fight back. It is during her main attack that Trashonetta is vulnerable and the player must run up to her ass and melee attack it in order to defeat her.

Katsumi Clamidia-Son

Here is my entry for the crazy Japanese character contest. It is slightly shocking but I hope it will explain a few things.

Name: Katsumi Clamidia-Son

Gender:Female

Description:Katsumi Clamidia-Son is a crazy bitch. At a glance she appears to be a fairly average person. She has long flowing brown hair, delicate hands, oversized breasts and is extremely overweight. She wears a school girl uniform to help compensate for the fact that she is in her mid forties, overweight and single. These attributes do have a negative effect on the performance of Katsumi Clamidia-Son but she can easily overpower any man. Beneath her uniform lies her very powerful secret. Katsumi Clamidia-Son has a large growth protruding from her vaginal area. This growth has a mind of its own and must be taken care of as if it were a child. The scientific term for this growth is a shrimporis but is commonly referred to as a shrimp by Katsumi. This growth is named after the commonly eaten shrimp and both have a similar smell.

When stimulated the shrimporis grows to an enormous size and devours Katsumi’s enemies. This growth has also been passed on to Katsumi’s offspring who goes by the name of Jessica Chobot. When feeding her shrimp a chipmunk Katsumi misplaced the poor creature and was impregnated a day later. Jessica has the shrimporis of her mother and the cheeks of her father which are perfect for stuffing full of nuts. Jessica cannot take part in traditional intercourse because her shrimporis would tear the poor bastard’s dick clean off leading her to become a master of oral sex.

Well that is it…….

Sincerely,
Sunamic

Clitoraus Rex

Hey Guys,
Love the Show, here’s my submission for the contest, he has his powers and stuff in the picture.Thx
eric

Mecha Dong von Bonermeister

Hello Drunken Gamers! I was catching up on my old episodes and was intrigued by your create a Japanese character contest. Sadly, I’m not really the creative type, but I thought I’d bring to your attention one particular character that stuck out for me during my early gaming years. Combining Japan’s love of robots with their love of tasteful homosexual caricatures, Mecha was one of the stars of the popular fighting game Slap, Slap, Repeat! IX: Enter the Fabolous which you may know better under its American title, Punchsplosion IV: The Bloodening. As you’ll unfortunately see, much of the original charm and nuance of the character was lost in his move across the ocean, but hopefully this will awaken some American eyes to the joys of unfiltered Japanese creativity. Below I’ve attached the bios from the Japanese and American manuals, so you can compare for yourselves. I couldn’t find the original character art online, so my sister was kind enough to whip up some sketches based on what I remember from the game.

(JAPANESE)

NAME: Mecha Dong von Bonermeister
OCCUPATION: Masseuse, Wannabe-Actor
FIGHTING STYLE: Wang Chug
NATIONALITY: Land of the Rising Schlong
BLOODTYPE: AB (He goes both ways!)
CATCH-PHRASE: HHHHEEEEELLLLOOOO Sailors!

BIO: Built for ultimate pleasure enjoyment, Mecha Dong von Bonermeister is prototype artificial entertainer, designed for happy-times with ladies and also certain mans, but instead desires to make screen debut in films of moral merit! Acting though is requiring the cash, so Mecha Dong von Bonermeister must take up the job as masseuse at in-demand star vacation spot! Sad times though, and when Island Funtime resort is in bankrupt status imminent, number 1 masseuse Mecha Dong von Bonermeister must enter cash-money slap fighting contest and take home big bucks!

(AMERICAN)

NAME: Robot Cowboy Steve
OCCUPATION: Punching cows. Literally.
FIGHTING STYLE: Fisticuffs
NATIONALITY: USA! USA!
BLOODTYPE: A (For America!)
CATCH-PHRASE: Let’s talk…with fists!

BIO: Once a hero cop with nothing to lose, and a star football quarterback with a championship in his sights, Steve Stevington’s promising career(s) were cut short when a tragic garbage disposal accident caused irreversible loss of 90% of his body. However, Steve was inducted into a secret government project designed to create the ultimate soldier, and his brain was placed in a robot body which gifted him with the strength, agility and toughness of, like, 3 average dudes. Now with his new robot fighting skills, Steve must enter the famous Punchsplosion tournament in order to stop a communist plot to blow up an American orphanage. The orphanage where Steve was born. Oh, and there’s a communist guy in the tournament, which is why Steve is entering. Probably should have mentioned that earlier. Also, he’s a cowboy.

Man, they don’t make them like that anymore, though from what I’ve heard Bayonetta sure tries. Wouldn’t mind finding out for myself, wink wink, nudge nudge and so forth. Thanks for the great show, and of course, thanks Japan!

-Splatoon

Xaviera

Hey you Salacious Sluts!
Love the show! Keep up the awesomeness that is your work. I just wanted to submit my entry for the contest.

Villain
Name: Xaviera
Status: PreOpt

Origin: from the tranny hooker underground world of Dragtonia a war was breaking out between the pre and post opts. In leaderless times, desperation brings forth the strong to reign over the masses. The pre opts have had the upper hand in the past 10 years, but there are those that seek change. Xaviera thinks otherwise! Half tranny half robot she rules with an iron sequenced fist. Her reign has been brash and merciless and in the name of the greater good, but the uprising has been getting stronger and unruly. Once the dust settles who will be left standing?

Abilities: acrylic claw attack
platform stiletto split kick
Special: super 10 inch untuck choker hold

Holla
ADRJeep from Burque, NM

Deermon

Hey guys,
Been listening to you guys for a little bit and I must say that you blow Gamers with Jobs out of the water. I can’t wait until I get drunk and give you guys a call. Anyways, here is my entry for the villain contest. I know that my drawing is absolutely horrible so hopefully I can win this bad boy with description.

What you are looking at is what I have dubbed “The Deermon!” exclamation point and all. The Deermon! answers the age old question if animals do go to heaven. Also if animals go to heaven, can they go to hell? The Deermon! was the deer who sided with the hunters and sold out Bambi’s mom’s location. You see, The Deermon! and Bambi’s mother had gone to high school together and despite The Deermon!’s attempts, Bambi’s mom was always into the jock deer who turns out to be Bambi’s dad. Enraged The Deermon! seeked a way to release his rage so he ran into some hunters and bargained his life to have a much prettier deer to hang on their wall. Well, as you can say, the rest is history.

So Bambi’s father eventually caught wind of this and battled The Deermon! to the death. Obviously by the Bambi sequels you see that Bambi’s father won. The Deermon! was then greeted in Heaven by God and Bambi’s mother was there. God turned to her and said “1 hoof forgiveness, 2 hoofs hell” Bambi’s mother jumped on her hind legs and slammed both her front hooves down, sending The Deermon! directly to hell.

The devil was waiting with open arms to receive him and delighted in this story and made a deal with him. Much like Ghost Rider, he made The Deermon! his collector of souls to scour the earth and collect whomever the devil desires. . If you notice, he also can unhinge his jaw and actually devour the body and soul whole. The Deermon! is actually powered by these souls and stores them in his horns (as pictured) until he can return to hell and deliver them to Satan and he disposes of the bodies in typical villain fashion, by making them his minions!

Anyways guys, love the show, keep it up! Punch Punch Go!
Will

Double D

Picture this: A sexy, red headed chick is getting ready for her birthday. Her name is Denise, but all of her friends call her Double D because her boobs are huge. As she is trying on new clothes for her birthday party and about to pay for a hot little skirt that goes all the way down to the top of her panties, an alien ship kidnaps her parents! She yells out “Nooo! Not before my 11th birthday!” As she runs out of the store she realizes that the aliens aren’t just out to kidnap her parents but to invade the whole world and it is up to her to save it.

The game will be a 2d beat-em-up where Denise must defeat 10 alien filled levels. Over the course of the game her move set will get bigger, as will her boobs. To start off you get the simple punch and kicks but as you move throughout the game you’ll get such moves as The Vice – a move were you crush the bad guys heads between your 11 year old huge jugs. You’ll also pick up different weapons to use. Like the Monkey Gun that shoots out a lazar that turns someone into a cute monkey and then explodes. Or shoes that make you bounce slightly, that isn’t really a weapon but I think we can call agree that it will be bad ass.

The difficulty levels in the game will be Easy, Normal and Hard at the beginning. Completing Hard mode will unlock the highest difficulty, Moe Mode.Completing the game on any of the difficulties will unlock the Co-Op mode where you and your younger sister will take on the alien invasion. Your sister will be stacked too, and have robot arms.

Thinking innocent thoughts,
Rusty Shackleford

Bad Girl

Dear inebriated overlords,
My character would be a bad girl (Giggity). She has the appearance of a 14 year old school girl (not legally giggity), uniform and everything except giant combat boots. While she appears to be a 14 year old girl she would have the ridiculously sized breasts with just a smidge of under-boob sticking out. She would wield a Vulcan Raven (Metal Gear Solid) style mini-gun in one hand. In the other hand she would be holding a Mog or chocobo plush by the foot. And finally, for a reason that will never be explained, green squid-like tentacles will appear out from under the skirt for special attacks.

Thanks guys! Your show is the best.

Professor BangPowFaceSmile

Hello DGR,

So what I have as an attachment is my submission for the contest. his story goes something like this:

August 1945! Three planes are sent to Japan to drop the atomic bombs known as “Little Boy,” “Fat Man,” and “G.I. Joe.” While the former two were dropped on Nagasaki and Hiroshima the third disappeared without a trace…until recently. A man with a giant pompadour and wearing a skirt and tights is seen during the night, “thrusting crime back into the depths of hell where they came from,” with what seems like the third atomic bomb strapped to his pelvis! While the Tokyo police and the American government are denying the existence of both the bomb and the man many people are claiming to have seen an oddly dressed man known as Francais Highfive, or as he is better known… Professor BangPowFaceSmile! During the day he is like any cross-dressing, pomp sporting, homeless man eating copious amounts of lawn clipping and touching himself to old pictures of Ayn Rand. But, at night, he straps on the bombs and goes around thrusting the bad guys into submission (those anime kids didn’t get those funny haircuts with just hairgel. No, thats cartoon explosion status..of which BangPowFaceSmile provides.) No one knows how Mr. Highfive went from Ace pilot to fucking weirdo with an Ayn Rand obsession but what we do know is…watch out Tokyo.

Studied for the Third PHD (in Anthropology of course):
DrLoveNKiss

Winky

Dear Sultans of Sauce,
My japanese video game character will more than likely get me arrested but to celebrate the batshit crazy character that is Bayonetta, here it is anyways.

His name is Winky, the child friendly penis.

He was a failed abortive love child between Pac-man, and Blinky the ghost. Conceived in a coke binge from the wonder years of Pacman’s stardom in the early 80′s. He grew up in the vicious, power pelletless wilds of the top left corner of an old used up pacman map, left behind in a seedy old adult movie theater and remained there for the last 29 years. Now, on the verge of 30, he has decided to leave the old movie theater and take up a job as a baby sitter.

The goal of the game would be keeping the child “safe” inside of winky’s house. As you progress through the levels you get cash and “upgrade” the house. Locks on the doors. Bars on the windows, and even one way soundproof glass.

I could go quite in depth about this characters potential special abilities, the possibilities being a sticky spit attack, a ramming speed tackle/wrestle attack (activated of course by a blue power pellet) but I think I’ve said quite enough.

To keep with the anime loving japan art style, the hair on his balls will be blue.

THANKS JAPAN

-Ian “Dead Reckon”

Detective Sekuhara

Here is my character for your contest. I’m honestly ashamed with how this thing turned out and I don’t want to look at what I’ve made any longer, so I’m giving it to you three so that I can hear it instead. I’ve also included a picture of posterity.

By the way, I love the show.

Name: Detective Sekuhara
Nationality: Russian
Height: 6’3”
Eyes: Blue
Hair: Blonde and curly
Mustache: Handlebar

Normal Description: Detective Sekuhara is a valued detective. Born in Mother Russia, Sekuhara has always been in love with detecting, alcohol, bears and sexual harassment. When Sekuhara detects a sexual anomaly, he goes to the ends of the earth to solve it, even if the endeavor ends in incest. When Sekuhara slacks off and a sexual anomaly becomes too huge, a giant woman is produced. Should that happen, Sekuhara uses his pencil-shaped necklace to summon his robot, G.I.G.A. Sekushuaruharasumento. When the summoning signal is sent, a rocket is launched from a volcano into another volcano, erupts out, then transforms into a giant robot coated with armor made from naked woman. Sekuhara then leaps up several stories, summons the essence of a rainbow, grabs it, and lands into the “C-pilot’s seat”. Once the essence of a goddamn rainbow is inserted into a goddamn robot made of naked women, Sekuhara shoots a goddamn laser from G.I.G.A.’s mouth, which turns the anomaly into a goddamn panda bear. G.I.G.A. then launches off towards the moon, and Sekuhara leaps from the cockpit to commit suicide.

Translation Party’s Description: Detective Detective is Sekuhara evaluation. In Mother Russia, Sekuhara love to find a bear is always born in alcohol sexual harassment. Sekuhara abnormal sexual relations, he is also working to resolve the incest close to the edge of the earth. Surakkusuofu Sekuhara, generation time is a huge huge women’s sexual abnormality. Well, to be summoned the next generation of robots, he is in the form of pencil Nekkuresugigabitto Sekushuaruharasumento, Sekuhara is. If the time signal, the giant robot armor coating was summoned to the other volcanic explosion of the rocket that sent a naked woman will be converted to the volcano. Some stories, Sekuhara rainbow, in order to obtain the land that is the essence of the subpoena, “C is to jump the cockpit.” Essence of the rainbow once goddamn, goddamn Sekuhara goddamn naked in the mouth is the wrong woman in the goddamn robot Gigapandakuma cases, laser, fire, to be inserted. In addition, a full moon night of gigabytes to start off from the cockpit Sekuhara suicide leap.
-Sonchi

Everyman

Dear (word for drunkenness) (word for godlike gamer)s,

I hope I’m not too late for this, and completely admit that I forgot this contest was going on regardless of getting an idea right after hearing what it was about.

My crazy japanese character would be a normal everyman. As far as putting him in a game, I suppose he would be in a sims game if it were played by Ben Stein. He wakes up at 7 am Monday through Friday next to his normal, average wife to go to work. For breakfast he has unflavored oatmeal, water, and corn flakes. Afterwards he sets out in his astrovan, bought in case he and his beloved ever decide to have children. At work he sits in his cubicle and deals with the task of the day: shreading paper and filing said shreds in a manila envelope. That’s all he does. He doesn’t question it and never will. He’s OK with the company he works for, but if he had to leave it he’d be OK with that too. For lunch he has a slice of bread with cheese and mayonnaise (this character is Caucasian). Sometimes his boss will cal him into his office and tell him he is doing an average job. The character will then nod and leave. After work he’ll go home and take a bath with unscented boring soap. He’ll then wear a flannel shirt and jorts and sit in a chair and read some Ayn Rand book. He doesn’t really care for Ayn Rand, but he doesn’t hate her either. As nighttime comes he’ll go to sleep next to his wife and have vague thoughts of couple with her. Those thoughts quickly pass as said coupling would serve no real purpose. This cycle will go on until either the player is bored to tears or has left the game to write slash fanfiction betwen the main character and his boss. God knows I have.

Peace and love,
Suicide Pacmen

Domi-nate

Shit! I just saw your twitter post. I hope you drunk bastards didn’t start judging the contest without me!

The year is 3015, and the world is ruled by the Cybernuns. Bent on removing sexuality from human existence, when they took over the began removing the horniness genes from humans. Eventually mankind no longer reproduced, and were instead grown in the nun-controlled birth-factories. However, after 100 years of removing the horny gene and throwing into a sexual waste site, the genetic material, along with so much garbage, created Domi-nate, a man with a thirst for thrust. Armed with what few sexual relics he could find from the hyper-sexual revolution of the 2800′s, Domi-nate is prepared to bring the ruler down on those nuns with the help of his Penetrator 5000 dildord (a dildo sword), a pair of cowboy boots and his companion Maso-Bear, the adorably sexual Teddy. Those nuns are in the ass beating of a life-time!
–
Regards,
Masked Klaus

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Tags: bayonetta, contest, dgr

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