GI Joe
Article By Ryker XL
Last Sunday, I met up with my good friends TiggerMango and Apoch and we headed off to see the summer blockbuster “GI Joe.” While admitted not as big a GI Joe nerd as Apoch, I fondly remember watching the cartoon when I was younger and owning maybe a few toys… Ok, so more than a few. Within the first thirty seconds of the reel we got the studio promos – you know, the iconic mountains for Paramount or the Fox searchlights. This one was new. It was a black sky with twinkling stars that formed into the word “Hasbro.” I looked at Apoch and laughed. A toy company officially had its own studio now. I knew at that moment what I was about to see: a loud, mindless romp purely designed to sell toys.
The story of GI Joe is quite simple. Weapons expert James McCullen (Christopher Eccleston, aka Dr Who) has created a nanotechnology-based weapon capable of destroying an entire city. His company, MARS, sells the warheads to NATO, and the U.S. Army is tasked with delivering them. Who will lead the convoy and deliver the warheads safely? Why our good friends Duke and Ripcord (Channing Tatum and Marlon Wayons). Of course, their convoy is attacked by the mysterious (and very hot) Barroness (Sienna Miller). All seems lost until (just as mysteriously) Duke and Ripcord are rescued by Snake Eyes, Heavy Duty, and the even hotter Scarlet (Rachel Nichols). The Joes escort Duke, Ripcord, and the warheads to a secret base in the Sahara Desert called “The Pit.” Here we meet General Hawk (played by the very old Dennis Quaid) and his top secret military organization, code named GI Joe. Duke informs the General that he knows the Baroness (quite intimately) and wants to become a Joe.
While Duke and Ripcord train at The Pit, McCullen and the Baroness discuss how to get the warheads back. Apparently McCullen is using the same nanotechnology to build an army of soldiers and create fear in the world. A plot is schemed and the Baroness, Storm Shadow, and Zartan burrow through the desert, attack The Pit, and steal the warheads. The chase is on as the Joes pursue the forces of Cobra around the globe in an attempt to retrieve the warheads and save the world. Oh, and hopefully sell a few toys while they are at it!
While GI Joe won’t win an Oscar anytime soon, the performances (for the most part) are quite good. The actors have been briefed well on their characters and they play them pretty straight. Surprisingly, even Marlon Wayons does a decent job playing Ripcord. The one standout for me was Dennis Quaid who just looks old in this movie. He isn’t inspiring or convincing as General Hawk and I cringed each time he opened his mouth. Casting Bruce Greenwood (aka Captain Pike from the latest Star Trek) would have a far superior choice. But for now we are stuck with Quaid. Good thing he isn’t onscreen much.
The only other performance that caught all of us off guard was a brief cameo for one of my favorite Joes, Sergeant Slaughter. I loved Sgt. Slaughter, mainly because he was a real dude placed into a comic to make things somewhat relevant. Ok, so he was an overweight wrestler but I didn’t care; he was “The Sarge” and I loved him. Most people don’t know that Sergeant Slaughter is still around, making cameos when the WWE needs a quick ratings laugh. How cool would it have been to see our man in a Joe outfit again? Sadly, that didn’t happen and we are treated to five minutes of Brendan Fraser… We all looked at each other with mouths agape. Brendan Fraser? Director Steven Sommers did all “The Mummy” movies and got Brendan in as a favor. He later changed the Sarge’s name to Sergeant Stone so not to offend us GI Joe nerds. Sorry Sommers, you didn’t fool anyone, just disappointed us that’s all.
Typical of many Sommers’ projects, the CGI in the film is spotty. Some scenes, like the underwater sub battle, look fantastic. While other scenes look like they were done on a Commodore 64 or something. The Paris fight scene shows a Hummer transforming and there is no cell shading, texturing; it looks like Legos popped out of the front. Today’s viewers expect more, especially from a film that is all about the visuals.
The film also has some massive plot holes that you could drive a semi through. Hey GI Joe, if you’re gonna build a multi-trillion dollar secret base under the Sahara Desert, do you think that maybe you might drop a buck or two on proximity alarms just in case the bad guys show up? Cobra forces are walking around inside that base for ten minutes without anybody noticing. C’mon…seriously?
Overall GI Joe isn’t a bad movie, it’s just not that great a movie. It is a two-hour escape to watch things blow up and eat popcorn. We are treated to seeing some of our favorite toys in action, even the USS Flag shows up for a brief cameo. (My friend still has one of those. Lucky bastard). And the movie is a great show for kids. There is a heavy emphasis on action and not so much on plot or character development; perfect for 10-15 year olds. I just wish that Sommers didn’t take the subject matter so seriously; he could have had more fun with it and that would have been great. There is a scene where Duke and Ripcord discuss their super suits. “What? You jumped over the train? You could do that?” This movie needed more dialogue like that; poke fun at how over-the-top it was. Perhaps he should go talk with John Favreau, for he skillfully did that with Iron Man.
So until “District 9″ comes out this weekend, feel free to escape for two hours with a big bucket of popcorn and watch GI Joe. Heck, maybe you’ll even buy a few toys when you’re done?
YO JOE!
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Tags: gi joe, steven sommers
August 12th, 2009 at 12:14 pm
Saw it last Sunday too and thoroughly enjoyed it for the most part. Definitely wouldn’t call it a great or maybe even good movie, but I thought it nailed the “fun, summer blockbuster” feel pretty. Enjoyed it about a billion times more than Bayformers at least.
Being a giant GI Joe nerd, I thought they nailed the feel pretty well. Seemed like a live action version of one of the cartoon or comic’s plots. Sure they fucked around with character origins a bit, but it mostly worked well within the movie. Only one that bugged me was Cobra Commander’s origin/identity but only because it felt far too convenient. Actor who played him was awesome though.
If I was a kid I’d seriously be going ape-shit over this movie and begging my parents to buy every single toy.
Apoch, as shitty as the GI Joe game is, it might be worth renting if you’re a huge Joe fan. Tons of fan service and cameos of classic characters and vehicles. Makes it mildly enjoyable for a short while.
August 12th, 2009 at 12:29 pm
I agree with the “mindless fun popcorn action” assessment. I do not recall seeing the Slaughter cameo though, unless you were just describing the use of Frasier’s character in the film. I loved me some Slaughter to back in the day.
GI Joe was first cartoon I ever got into, though I do not remember all that much from it aside from Slaughter, PSAs and Cobra Commander’s awesome costume, he was evil cause he wore an intimidating cape!
August 12th, 2009 at 12:46 pm
Thanks Savory, I’ll look into it as I was sad not to see characters such as Firefly and Shipwreck not in the action film yet have action figures. Hasbro, you sure want your money! Wait, I bought two of the three versions of Storm Shadow… Damn, you crafty bastards!
Anyhow, much like Ryker wrote it is enjoyable for what it is even though it drifts far from the comics character background. And at least all the bad guys don’t speak all the time in a high pitch like in the cartoon. However, the film does leave a lot to be explained but thats what Hasbro wants, right?
Overall, It was actually better than expected as I thought they would make it very corny. Yet, the movie holds its own as entertaining and fan friendly.
COBRA!!!
August 12th, 2009 at 4:47 pm
@Gruel, everyone around us thought we heard Hawk mention Sgt Slaughter, what he did say was Sloan, and so bully to them I guess, we all knew what they were up to. Fraser’s cameo was …pointless.
The only other thing that has bugged me abit the film since writing this…Snake Eye’s lips…
August 12th, 2009 at 8:44 pm
I just read what they did to Cobra Commander and the Baroness and all I can say is: Fail. Someone should be fired for that storyline. Hopefully if there is a sequel it will be a reboot because making one of your main enemies a good guy is fucking dumb.