Terminator Salvation
About 2/3 of the way through this abomination I realized that I truly had no fucking clue what the hell was going on. Not because the plot was complex (because it sure as hell isn’t), but because the Terminator lore by this point is so fucked beyond belief that I have no idea what is cannon and what isn’t. I don’t wanna spoil anything, but by the end of the movie pretty much every major plot point of the original Terminator movies has been thrown completely out the window in favor of what I assume is an attempt by the producers to prolong the suffering of fans worldwide. Now we all knew this movie was going to be bad. You might’ve had a sliver of hope because the trailer had a cool song in it, but c’mon: A PG-13 Terminator movie without Arnold (well…) and directed by the schnook who did the Charlie’s Angels movies and goes around calling himself “McG”? What did you think was going to happen? Well I got bad news for ya: I want you to think about how bad you thought this movie could’ve turned out. It’s worse then that.
I’ve been sitting at my desk wondering just how I was going to structure this dissection, but I don’t even know where to begin. Oh wait, I know: I hate this movie. I hate everything about it. Seriously. Everything. I’ve sat here for five minutes trying to come up with something nice to say, but I got nothing. I haven’t seen a movie this thoroughly unlikable since…well…probably Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle.
The plot is probably a good whipping boy to start with. Like I said earlier I really have no idea if this is actually using the other movies as cannon after seeing the purely bizarre opening where we are introduced to Marcus Wright (Sam Worthington) signing over his body to scientific experiments. Fast forward fifteen years to John Connor (Christian Bale) taking out Terminators. After creating a possible device that “could wipe out the enemy once and for all!” it’s up to John and his rag-tag group of minorities to save the human race. That’s about the limit to the depths of Salvation’s bare bones plot, which only serves to get the audience from set piece to set piece without expanding on any of the things people like about Terminator.
The reason the first two Terminator films are so endearing for so many people is how they were able to combine great action with some genuinely great Sci-Fi mythos on top of Arnold in the performance that would define his legacy. Salvation has none of this. The whole movie just has this artificial feel to it. You never believe in the world they have attempted to create. You really just don’t get much of a sense that nuclear holocaust has befallen the earth. Sure the world is dilapidated, but you never care. This can be tied to the flat out embarrassing script that got multiple chuckles from the audience throughout the film. And believe me when I say that as an actor, no matter how good you are, if you’re reading from a bad script there’s only so much you can do.
Christian Bale might be the most talented leading man in Hollywood right now, but he’s clearly lost here. This is due to the fact that the movie contradicts itself when using John Connor. In the beginning of the movie you’re led to believe he’s running a civilian militia with the actual resistance wanting nothing to do with him, and then later he’s working hand in hand with them and leading an entire armada. What gives McG? You can’t have continuity for even 110 minutes? The rest of the cast sucks too, and I have no idea where they found Sam Worthington or how he keeps getting work, because this guy has no talent whatsoever. Then the kid who played Chekov stars as someone I won’t spoil, but I just couldn’t take seriously due to him portraying the character next to nothing like he should have, and whenever he attempts to act serious, he comes off as a whiny little bitch.
So yeah, all is lost for a good film by this point, but maybe we might be able to squeeze some good action out of this right? Well you’re not getting that either. This movie is the definition of sensory overload. There is just way too much shit going on that keeping track of the sheer carnage on screen can get overwhelming. Add to this the constant shaky cam and it’s just not a very pleasant movie to sit through. I actually had a headache when I left the theatre. And I don’t want to keep the hate train chugging (actually yes I do), but whoever in the sound department decided to use old school Atari soundboards cranked to eleven at every opportunity: go fall off a bridge. If this has sounded somewhat mean spirited, believe me when I say I’m holding back. The hatred in my heart for this train wreck knows no bounds.
This is the kind of movie old people feared the videogame generation would make: a lifeless, soulless, explosion-filled descent into chaos with little purpose and a short attention span. This wouldn’t bother me so much if the name Terminator wasn’t in the title, but now instead of another mind-numbing summer movie we get a final nail in the coffin for the once great franchise. Unfortunately, in a couple of years the franchise will go zombie on us and pop out so that the son-of-a-breakfast-sandwich gets to make a fool out of himself once more. Don’t see it, don’t rent it, and don’t acknowledge its existence. Go watch reruns of the Sarah Connor Chronicles instead, which is much, much better.
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Tags: mcg, sci-fi, summer blockbusters, terminator
May 26th, 2009 at 1:43 pm
Too bad that the Sarah Connor Chronicles has been cancelled.
May 26th, 2009 at 2:34 pm
“but maybe we might be able to squeeze some good action out of this right? Well you’re not getting that either. This movie is the definition of sensory overload. There is just way too much shit going on that keeping track of the sheer carnage on screen can get overwhelming.”
…soooo…are you saying you’re not getting action because there’s too much action?
I can keep track of a lotta onscreen shit, so I’d like to know more. So far you’re sellin’ this to me as an unrated version rental if it’s just The Matrix Revolutions all over again.
May 26th, 2009 at 3:33 pm
@SouthernCoyote…NO EFFING WAY!!! I can’t believe the execs at Fox would be so stupid as to kill one of the smarter TV shows they had going in the midst of a Terminator revival. No let’s make more 24 shows until Jack Bauer has to interrogate terrorists from wheelchair. I found the show to be a great addition to the Canon, well acted, and cleverly written. They even had me fooled as to the loyaty of the new T1000 on the show, and that takes good writing to pull off. Morons…
I took Tiny to see this movie on Friday, and I REALLY wanted to like it. I fondly remembered the flash forwarsd done in both the movies and the TV show where a handful of humans struggled against a seemingly massive army of unstoppable robots. Ok I dig that, bring on the robot apocolypse! But what I hoped to have happen, never really did. For the first hour I can count the number of robots on my hands. Where are the hoards of T600s? Why is there only ONE T700 patrolling LA? ONE!!!
Things do pick up for the last 40 minutes and I did find that both exciting, interesting, and full of way more robots. There’s even a few Easter eggs and one HUGE one that Tiny and I thoroughly enjoyed.
Then there is the whole Marcus Wright thing. While I like the premise of who he is and why he is, how he got that way made absolutely NO EFFING SENSE! Was the chick in the beginning a terminator, pretending to have cancer? WTF?
There there is the score, that McG appearantly forgot to add during the first 40 minutes of the film. Early on we get a few key action scenes with NO DRAMATIC MUSIC WHATSOEVER! And when we do get the score…it’s pretty good (Danny Elfman still has it). So why leave it out in the beginning?
So here’s the funny part, I walk out of the film with this half baked feeling as many movies with promise give me. I asked my son, what did he think. (This after an entire weekend devoted to the watching T1&2 and some SCC) “That was the BEST movie ever!!!” He loved it! He loved it so much that he begged me to take him and his buddy to it again yesterday. (I bowed out for a second showing and saw Angels and Demons…a suprisingly good flick). So I THINK what we have here is McG’s attempt to make a loud movie, to this he has succeeded. But he could have made something more, and for that I am both saddened and upset…
May 26th, 2009 at 6:56 pm
There is plenty of action in the movie, but the point is that there is far too much action, and that the action wasn’t even any good!
May 26th, 2009 at 8:57 pm
Is it just me or does Jarrod go see every movie that is bad? It’s getting the the point were I don’t even have to see who wrote the article. Instead all I need is the name of the movie.
May 26th, 2009 at 9:14 pm
I think what annoyed me most about the movie was Hottie McLovinterest’s appearing/ disappearing eye stripe. Now that’s some Doomsday shit right there. Overall, I thought the movie was just okay. Schwarznegger and the character of Sara Connor are parts of the series I think you just can’t do without. You can have all the s’plosions & badass CGI robuts in the world & it just isn’t going to stack up to how awesome Arnold & Robert Patrick emotionlessly kicking the shit out of each other looks. The dialogue was cringe-worthy at some points, as well. I don’t think the movie really ever recovered from “That’s what death tastes like”.
May 26th, 2009 at 10:59 pm
I see plenty of good movies, it’s just that writing reviews of shitty movies (and games for that matter) are a whole hell of a lot easier and more fun. It also seems to take alot less time as my mind will remember more material to poke fun at. Think of it as a public service.