“Gateway Bands”
This is just strange, but it’s way too hilarious to pass up. In an effort to demonstrate my religion isn’t going do develop intelligence anytime soon, this place LoveGodsWay.org is trying sell its music by proclaiming:
“One of the most dangerous ways Homosexuality invades family life is through popular music. Parents, please keep careful watch over your children’s listening habits. Especially in this age of Internet mp3 piracy.
There are multiple levels of Gay Music. Some bands are what we like to call Gateway Bands. They lure children in with Pop Grooves and Salacious Melodies leaving them wanting more. They’ll move on to more dangerous bands and the next thing you know you’ve got a homosexual for a child.
We’ve taken the time to highlight the bands that are particularly Gay. Please take the time and dissect your child’s CD / iTunes catalog. If you find 3 or more of these bands in their collection it is time to take action.
We Strongly recommend that you burn the CDs. Make sure your child is watching. Make sure they can feel the heat. It is crucial that the image remains emblazoned in their young minds. They need to know that if they continue to listen to these bands they may Burn eternally as well.”
Oh! Oh! Do you wanna see the list they came up with? Do you? Is Journey on there???
Bands to watch out for:
* Lil’Wayne
* P!nK (gay family)
* The Black Keys
* Coldplay
* SlipKnot (make-up)
* RadioHead
* Michael Jackson
* Boredoms
* School of Seven Bells (gay twins)
* Jason Mraz
* Jonas Brothers
* Rilo Kiley
* Death Cab for Cutie
* Sarah McLachlan
* George Strait
* Cold War Kids
* Toby Keith (cowboy)
* P-Diddy
* Black People
* Vampire Weekend
* King Crimson
* Kate Bush (kissed a girl)
* Bob Dylan
* Fleet Foxes
* Sigur Ros (nudists)
* Twisted Sister
* The Spores (endorse suicide)
* Scissor Sisters
* Turbonegro
* Rufus Wainwright
* Merzbau
* Ravi Shankar
* The Butchies (lizbians)
* Wilco
* Bjork (mb)
* Tech N9ne
* Ghostface Killah
* Bobby Conn
* Morton Subotnik
* Cole Porter
* The String Cheese Incident
* Eagles of Death Metal
* Polyphonic Spree
* The Faint
* Interpol
* Twisted Sister (jj)
* Tegan and Sara
* Erasure
* The Grateful Dead (drugs too)
* Le Tigre
* Marilyn Manson (dark gay)
* The Gossip
* The Magnetic Fields
* The Doors
* Phish
* Queen
* The Strokes
* Morrissey(?questionable?)
* Metallica
* Judas Priest
* The Village People
* The Secret Handshake
* The Rolling Stones
* David Bowie
* Frankie Goes to Hollywood
* Man or Astroman
* Richard Cheese
* Jay-Z
* Depeche Mode
* Kansas
* Ani DiFranco
* Fischerspooner
* John Mayer
* George Michael (texan)
* Angel Eyes
* The Indigo Girls
* Velvet Underground
* Madonna
* Elton John
* Barry Manilow
* Indigo Girls
* Melissa Etheridge
* Eminmen
* Nirvana
* Boy George
* Jon Brion
* The Killers
* Lou Reed
* Lil’ Wayne
* Motorhead
* Jill Sobule
* Wilson Phillips
* DMX
* Wesley Willis
* Lisa Loeb
* Ted Nugent (loincloth)
* Dogstar
* Thirty Seconds to Mars
* Lil’ Kim
* kd lang
* Frank Sinatra
* Hinder
* Nickleback
* Justus Kohncke
* Bob Mould
* Clay Aiken
* Arcade Fire
* Bright Eyes
* Corinne Bailey Rae
* Audioslave
* Red Hot Chili Peppers
* Panic at the Disco
* The Cure (makeup)
* Spin Doctors
* The Deers
* Lindsey Lohan
* The Smiths
* Beck
* Tom Waits
* The Cramps
* Cannibal Corpse
* Britney Spears(kissed Madonna)
* Perfect Sin
* The Queers
* NoFx(gay punk)
* Soup Dragons
* Elton John(really gay)
So there you have it, the leading authority on gaydar. Oh, I love the added “comments”. So many questions. So apparently loincloths make you gay, coming from a gay family makes you default gay, wearing makeup is instant gay yet Kiss avoided the list, specific rappers are gay if the website can’t spell his name right, having anything to do with Texas is instant-gay, proclaimed cowboys are gay but Kid Rock isn’t in here, how did Journey’s cucumbers keep them off the list(?), Twisted Sister is SO GAY they’re on the list twice, I can’t find a band specifically named “Black People” so I guess they’re referring to the entire race, bloody hell how did Morrissey of all people get a “questionable”, and what the fuck is dark gay?
Well guys, I got discs from 15 of those bands. ‘Guess it’s time to dump my chick. “What are you big-boyz doing to-night? Tee-hee! Cho Aniki fo lyfe!!”
So this jackass decided to make a “Safe list” …I dunno if that means the kid is just gay but doesn’t have AIDS or he’s gay but couldn’t hook up with another dude for shit, ’cause this is what they say isn’t gay:
We understand that it can be difficult to differentiate what is good or bad for your Child.
With that understanding, Donnie has created this Powerful tool to help you in your quest to raise a straight child.
The bands on this list are Safe. They foster Heterosexual desires and stimulate a Christian mode of thought. If you have any questions or suggestions for other safe bands please email us.Safe Music:
* Cyndi Lauper
* Sufjan Stevens (at request of publisher)
* The Right Brothers (Bush was right!)
* Dresden Dolls
* UnderOath
* Blondie**
* Creed
* Falling Up
* Flyleaf
* Sandi Patti
* Disciple
* P.O.D
* Evanescence
* By The Tree
* Michael W. Smith
* Jars of Clay
* DC Talk
* Danielson
* Cheap Trick
So…um…isn’t 3/4s of Creed and Audioslave the same band members? Or am I thinking of Rage Against the Machine and Alter Bridge?
*shrug*
Here’s the original site, not that I encourage visiting there since their browser header is all like, “God hates fags!” So NSFW or something? I shoulda linked a diggbar on that shit to stop pageviews or somethin’.
And no I didn’t listen to the song they’re peddling. It claims to “cure homosexuality” if you got 3 minutes to throw away and light on fire-…-along with the cortex of the brain that performs reason.
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Tags: Bullshit, fuck those guys, funny, gaydar, god squad, Music, religion, Some Piece of Shit
April 23rd, 2009 at 2:53 pm
I love that Lil’Wayne apparently makes it in there twice, as well. Does that make him more gay than Elton John, who only appears once with the (really gay) notation?
And this guy literally advocates passively threatening your child with fire if they own the wrong music? Really? Not to mention being forced to stand close enough to “feel the heat” of burning plastic exposes one to a host of immensely toxic fumes.
Church-enforced child abuse ftw!
I also find hilarious the “Christian mode of thought.” Because spreading a message of hate and bigotry to one’s children is exactly why Jesus died for you.
This bullshit would be hysterical if there weren’t so many assholes that actually believe this.
Anyway, enough ranting, I’m going to go back with the other gays and continue our plot to subvert all other ways of life and recruit the nation’s youth. You know, because we have so much to offer with being denied rights and threatened with physical violence regularly.
April 23rd, 2009 at 2:55 pm
This is perhaps the funniest thing I have ever seen. It’s at least in the top ten. And I’m not talking about the list, I’m talking about your breakdown of the list. The “So there you have it…” paragraph made me laugh out loud at work, and “Cho Aniki fo lyfe” was the capper.
Oh, and I love that you reused the “Some Piece of Shit” tag.
Awesome work!
April 23rd, 2009 at 3:06 pm
Kate Bush?! What kid is going to be listening to Kate fucking Bush in the year 2009?! I can just see the headline: “KIDS NATIONWIDE RUNNING UP THAT HILL, OUT OF THAT CLOSET”. Good grief…
April 23rd, 2009 at 3:58 pm
DJ…I wish I could see how ludicris this site is, but it was blocked by my employer (Honeywell).
Your request was denied because of its content categorization: “Hate/Discrimination”
I guess that says it all huh?
April 23rd, 2009 at 4:09 pm
That’s EXACTLY what it said when I tried to access it at work. Hilarious.
April 23rd, 2009 at 4:16 pm
Ouch, my count clocks in at 22. HelOOOOOOO
I’d love to see some parent buy their 10 year-old and Underoath CD because it was on the “hetero” list only to inadvertently introduce them to Post-Hardcore/Metalcore music. It’s a real shame to see such a great band on the same list as Creed.
But it’s the inclusion of Dresden Dolls that makes me think that this list is a joke. There’s no WAY a hardcore Christian can listen to that and say “Oh, this is perfect for my kids!”
Oh, and I’m not entirely sure if they accidentally listed “Black People” instead of “Black Kids”, or if they are saying that all black people promote a gay agenda.
April 23rd, 2009 at 4:39 pm
AS Tom Waits said gods away on business
April 23rd, 2009 at 4:42 pm
Wow, I’m so gay. I guess I should play some Queen of Queens tonight.
April 23rd, 2009 at 4:43 pm
Sweet shit, I can’t stop laughing!! That is just great. I needed that!
April 23rd, 2009 at 6:53 pm
DJ, you list is very funny, and yet VERY sad…
I will admit publically (Go ahead flame away) that I am one of those people who is active in my local Christian church, and IDIOTS like this moron have me really pissed right now.
To that end, as PROOF that not all Christians are like this, may I give you 7 minutes from the pastor of my church Greg Boyd. He’s been labeled a heretic because he won’t preach the right-wing BS, and I for one give him HUGE cred for that… Whether you believe or not…this is good stuff..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CZ59ldk9uBI
Ryker aka The Angry Christian!!!!!
April 23rd, 2009 at 9:03 pm
The Boredoms!?! Seriously?! How did they even come across a Boredoms CD to ‘gay-scan’?
I imagine their review would be “I’m not sure if this is even music, much in the same way I am not sure gays are human.”…
April 24th, 2009 at 6:37 am
Ok so I got up this morning and did my daily blog and email check, and in doing so finally decided to peek at this site. To my humble shegrin I have discovered…It’s a Fake..
Knowing this and seeing how pissed I got, makes it even funnier. Here is the video that the fictitional Donnie Davies has to go along with his message on homosexuality. Note the pink shirt and legion of young gay men as his back up singers.
http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/fb82efe015/donnie-davies-take-my-hand-from-donnied
That was brilliant!
Now I’m not the only dweeb to get sucked in. In fact TONS of folks got up in arms about what was being said. Watch their video response to the net’s reaction here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3egOusDlgKI
Now, I’m still pissed. There are still plenty of folks out there that actually believe this shit and preach messages of hate. There are still plenty of folks who indoctrinate kids and make them mindless intolerent robots. (Stacey and I watched “Jesus Camp” the other day and our mouths dropped. ) Aside from ranting for hours on this subject there is only one cure for me… Gonna grab my shotgun and kill some monkey fighting zombies!!! (little clean Samuel Jackson reference there)
April 24th, 2009 at 7:50 am
Good news. It’s a hoax.
Link
Still, how completely fucked has the country become when shit like this can actually pass for sincere opinion? Answer: Totally.
April 24th, 2009 at 9:53 am
hahaha, well played.
The only yellow flag I gathered was the site knew about iTunes. But that’s what, 8 years old? So I waived it off as common sense by now.
Ah well. Funny shit.
April 24th, 2009 at 8:27 pm
Fake?
And here I was going to post that “EminMEN” was on the list of bands to watch out for. Freudian slip much?
Oh well….