Texting with Simplenate
The best adventures are not all that searchable. It is ok though. It’s not like a cell phone is an allowable basis of travel. Maybe this was just a clever foreword to convince you to visit my friend’s website. Doubtful.
Look. Grip then tip yo cup. A’ight?
On Confessions of Videogames Unplayed:
-Nate: So, your gaming conscience got the better of you, eh?
-Ian: More like a slow day at work. What would a gaming confession booth look like? Also, llamas.
-Nate: Probably like a regular confession booth, but with better graphics and a HUD.
-Ian: I suggest the booth have a giant reload button and a crappy Silent Hill puzzle involving some sort of numbers.
-Nate: Yeah, and if you fail the puzzle, the death song from Mario World should play.
-Ian: More like that youtube vid of every K.K. Slider song playing at once. Or the screech of satan that plays when you select Mario Party 8 on the Wii menu.
-Nate: Its gotta have HD graphics, though. and Friend Codes. Even though those two things will never go together. (Oh no he didnt!!)
-Ian: Hahaha a confession booth with friend codes! “I’m sorry, priest, I think I typed your number in wrong. Ok, wait. K, now we have to wait a day again to confirm.”
-Nate: There should also be little kids calling you gay over a loudspeaker.
-Ian: And a text chat window in the booth that lists every insult in streamlined web 2.0 shoutboxes.
-Nate: “yur gayzors!! OMGROFLFTWBBQ!!!!1!!”
-Ian: And the priest gets to type his insults in as he pretends to be sympathetic. And he’s allowed to punch people through the mesh when someone says something dumb.
-Nate: “Father, I’ve never played Kirby’s Dream Course.” BAM
-Ian: “I never played SoulCalibur because one button did an attack and another button did a slightly different attack.”
-Nate: “I never played House of the Dead because it looked scary.”
-Ian: “I avoided RockBand because Nickelback said it won’t make me a rocker.”
-Nate: “I just don’t understand Smash Bros. It’s too hard.”
-Ian: “I don’t play Doom because killing minions of satan will make me shoot up my school.”
-Nate: “I don’t play the Phoenix Wright games because real courtrooms don’t work that way.”
-Ian: “What the fuck is Ring of Red?”
-Nate: “Hi, Gamestop? Do you have any Wiis in stock?”
-Ian: “I refuse to play Shadow of the Colossus because, gawd there’s only like 16 bad guys in the game. I bet its only 15 minutes long. Jeez”
-Nate: “Left 4 Dead is stupid. I’m glad it’s not coming out for the PS3. Wanna play Pain?”
-Ian: “I LOVE Metal Gear Solid, but I refuse to buy the fourth one because of the cutscenes.”
-Nate: “I have to wait 2 MONTHS for Petz Ponyz 4?!”
-Ian: “halo and killzone are teh suxxors! Timesplitters is teh baby daddy jesus obama!”
-Nate: “Rumble Roses and DOA: Extreme Beach Volleyball are really deep.”
-Ian: “I wouldn’t play ninja gay-den because that chick’s tits weren’t big enough and not covered with enough oil goo.”
-Nate: “Mass Effect is hardcore pornography.”
-Ian: “Resident Evil 5 is racist and lets you rape women.”
-Nate: “Final Fantasy VII is the best game ever made. Also, I have lots of pics of Aerith and Tifa having sex.”
-Ian: “I wouldn’t play Final Fantasy 6 because the bad guy didn’t have long white hair, dressed in hot topic, and god I hate Mode 7 effects.”
-Nate: “I own several Superman games and the newest Turok.”
-Ian: “I check kotaku everyday for updates on dragonball: the movie: the game: evolution: the license: american version: 2009: Z.”
-Nate: “Ninjas could totally kill pirates because Naruto is a ninja.”
-Ian: “nuh uh! Pirates kill ninjas because Spike is a space pirate played by Keanau reeves in hotness Cowboy Bebop movie that can’t possibly drown in failboat!!”
-Nate: “I stopped playing Halo 3 when they stopped making Game Fuel.”
-Ian: “I refuse to play Trauma Center because I only believe in prayer as the cure for all diseases.”
-Nate: LOL, oh god, WINNER!
On Abysmal, Borderline Offensive Products:
-Ian: I demand a comment about Gillette’s line of razors designed specifically for gamers.
-Nate: I’d be down if there was a shaving meta-game involved. Like speed/accuracy challenges. Maybe a nice scoring system with multipliers. Oh, and achievements
-Ian: So the razor itself needs a HUD.
-Nate: Something like that. Or a mini projector
-Ian: It could come with one of those translucent HUD eyepieces you wear like a Bluetooth headset. Maximum Retarded.
-Nate: Stay classy, Gillette.
On Petty Favors:
-Ian: I see you discovered CAVE games.
-Nate: Yes. I must play them.
-Ian: They are super-the-hardest to obtain and play. I have one CAVE game and it doesn’t work on my import setup. I’m getting a DS one at MGC.
-Nate: My avatar. Send me it.
-Ian: It is on home computer. I will do so.
-Nate: That’s what you said last night. I need cred, man. CRREEEEEDD!!
-Ian: I was in bed when you hit me up last night tho. Cred was inconvenient.
-Nate: Yeah, being a best friend and a best man IS inconvenient, isn’t it?
-Ian: Hahaha. Is my cred on the line for a 80×80 jpg designated to give you cred?
-Nate: No, I just thought that after asking for 6 months, you might actually make good on your promise. Just like I might actually make you that t-shirt. We’ll have to exchange them at the same time, all shifty-like. In trench coats.
-Ian: Indeed. I suggest a dock. Or a dock with a dark alley in between two really tall pontoon boats. I need a trench coat.
-Nate: And it has to be really foggy. And I have to be smoking, holing the shirt in an unmarked envelope.
-Ian: I will be preparing a series of fake USB drives in preparation for the inevitable double-cross. Or wire your avatar to a bomb with remote trigger iphone app.
-Nate: You scoundrel. I knew I should have killed you in Istanbul when I had the chance.
-Ian: Little did you know. That was only my stunt double bodyguard. The real me would never be so careless.
-Nate: I seem to have underestimated your cunning. I won’t make the same mistake again.
-Ian: Can you outwit my nimbleness sir? I do not believe you can. I swear on my Bowler Hat our next exchange can be your last, per chance I will it.
-Nate: Ho ho! You are quite a blowhard, sir! I accept your challenge and look forward to besting you in this, the most dangerous of games.
-Ian: Or we can both buy Tank Wars that just came out on 360. Or Death Tank. Or whatever we used to play way back when. I fancy a rousing match.
-Nate: Indeed. We shall settle this like gentlemen. …I need to buy a wireless adapter for my 360.
-Ian: It is decided. Hit me up when you buy it.* Your product will be mailed tonight. With a bomb if I’m feeling shifty.
-Nate: Capital! (1920s Slang)
*Epilogue. Neither of us got off our asses and actually downloaded Death Tank. We now agree to joint-purchase a Japan PS2 and let each other borrow it. Chances of success: flip a coin.
Personally I always preferred the Mario Super Show voice to Charles...
March 11th, 2009 at 9:11 am
I bought Death Tank. Liar.
March 11th, 2009 at 10:22 am
Well you didn’t hit me up. jackass.
March 11th, 2009 at 10:50 am
How is that MY fault?
March 11th, 2009 at 11:00 am
You had specific documented instructions. Your stupid iPhone even displays the chat in appropriate context.
How would we have ever completed the shifty exchange at the docks? We’d make a time and you wouldn’t show up. That’s how.
March 11th, 2009 at 11:10 am
I told you THAT DAY that I bought it. Do you own it? No. Ball’s in your court, douchebag.
March 11th, 2009 at 12:18 pm
You only told me you bought a wireless adapter. Wireless adapters totally come with Tank Wars. Fuckstick.
March 11th, 2009 at 12:30 pm
Let me refresh your beer and liquor riddled memory:
We were standing on the corner of Main Street and Grand River. You know where that is, right asshole? We were about the get mid-day drunk when we should have been looking for tuxes for my wedding. I told you I bought it the previous night and it was in real-time, unlike the turn-based Tank Wars of old. Remember? Huh? Idiot.
March 11th, 2009 at 12:40 pm
I remember elegant beers and lots of laughing. None of this “information” business.
Are you even free to play tonight? Prick.
March 11th, 2009 at 12:42 pm
Don’t change the subject. I totally told you, fucker. It was right before you gave that hobo a blow job. A ho-blow, if you will.
March 11th, 2009 at 12:49 pm
Don’t use your penny arcade culture on me, junkslut. I didn’t buy the game. But check this. I turn on the 360, put in this killer button code, and wow. Golly gee, I have it. Thus, I refute back to my subject-changing ways. When do you want to fight our little “pistols at dusk” stunt?
March 11th, 2009 at 12:56 pm
I have way better things to do tonight then babysit you and your stupid “pistols at dusk” shit. Why don’t you just go home, cry, then masturbate on your World’s Greatest Shmup Player trophies (yo) like you do every night.
March 11th, 2009 at 1:16 pm
Because I was looking for a way to get out of working on the woman’s taxes tonight. Maybe next week I can make a game out of convincing you to spend another 1200 space bucks on a different download you have no intention of playing longer than 6 minutes alone.
And that’s “Outdated World’s Greatest Shmup Player of a Canceled Tournament” to you. Why don’t you go simplify your life some more and move into a cardboard box.
March 11th, 2009 at 1:21 pm
Man, that hurts. Like, right *here*.
No, I’m just joking. Fuck you.
I’m going to make you sit with the girls and read People on the way to MGC while Corey and I listen to MGMT and make millions in the stock market.
March 11th, 2009 at 1:50 pm
Yeah? Well you’re about the have the most awesome bachelor party ever. You know why? Because I’m going to send the limo to pick you up and drop you off inside one of Detroit’s many luxurious abandoned buildings. Oh, of COURSE we’ll have a modded baby monitor set up inside so we can listen to you bitch as we’re all chillin’ in Oak Cafe.
And all the beer in the limo? It will all be O’Doul’s!! *dun-dun-dun*
j00 got BEST MANNED, son!
March 11th, 2009 at 2:07 pm
Why? Why do you hate me?
Also, that baby would have to have one hell of a signal to reach Oak from Detroit.
March 11th, 2009 at 2:10 pm
Because you hate me more, sir.
And by modded baby monitor, I mean CB radio modded into a beer fridge.
March 11th, 2009 at 2:12 pm
What kind of beer is in the beer fridge?
March 11th, 2009 at 2:31 pm
My CB beer fridge? Mead of course.
Oh, you mean your CB beer fridge. Still O’Douls.
I have not forgotten the hex you put on me to listen to the girls drag on about trash mags. God that road trip was mediocre’d.
March 11th, 2009 at 2:50 pm
We’ll have Corey run interference this year. Truce til after MGC? At least then one of us will have a Jap PS2.
March 11th, 2009 at 2:57 pm
Now you’re making sense.
Truce
March 11th, 2009 at 3:03 pm
Wow. Not that it appears to be over, I can say: just as entertaining as the article itself.
March 11th, 2009 at 5:14 pm
No man, much better. You guys are like an old-ass married couple.
That’s cute.
March 11th, 2009 at 6:37 pm
Main Street and Grand River in Brighton?
March 12th, 2009 at 7:33 am
@skreesha
Yeah. You know it?
March 12th, 2009 at 8:35 am
So when are we going to have a Michigan meet up?
March 12th, 2009 at 9:07 am
Yeah, really. And I thought everyone in Michigan was a giant douche…
March 12th, 2009 at 9:52 am
Helicine and I are up for a Michigan meet up.
@SimpleNate Haven’t been there but I thought maybe you were referring to Grand River Ave in Michigan and Google Maps agreed.
March 12th, 2009 at 10:04 am
So, who do we have going for this? Me, D.J.I., Carrotpanic (the original fucking panic), Wallys, Skreesha, and Helicine? Wow. Sounds like good times. Hit me up on Twitter. SN: NateSerefine
March 12th, 2009 at 10:10 am
I vote for early April.
March 12th, 2009 at 10:27 am
Early April sounds good to me
March 12th, 2009 at 12:39 pm
Sounds good to me. You’re welcome to come over to my place on a weekend. Ferndale. Where’s everyone located?
March 12th, 2009 at 12:47 pm
Skreesha and I are up in East Lansing
March 12th, 2009 at 1:23 pm
I’m Dearborn.
March 12th, 2009 at 2:00 pm
Seems like Brighton’s in the middle if someone’s got a good idea for that.
March 12th, 2009 at 2:27 pm
Or Ann Arbor, but again I’m willing to host–just don’t want to push people to travel too far.
March 12th, 2009 at 3:15 pm
I’m in Brighton, but I can’t host for a variety of reasons. There’s this great bar/arcade/bowling alley in Novi, but that might be too far for the Lansing crowd…
March 12th, 2009 at 6:46 pm
No, Novi is fine. We can always crash at my parent’s place in Livonia if we don’t feel like driving back to East Lansing.
March 13th, 2009 at 8:16 am
Awesome. Lucky Strike is a sweet place, but it is a bit pricey. They do have games, though. Ideas?
March 13th, 2009 at 8:44 am
The location seems agreeable to everyone, we can go, have a couple brews on the lanes and some vgs after. If we skip food it probably won’t be too expensive.
March 13th, 2009 at 9:05 am
Yeah. I’ve never actually made it upstairs to the alley… The big bar in the middle of the game floor always drew me in.
March 13th, 2009 at 10:45 am
That’s the place at Fountain Walk right?
March 13th, 2009 at 11:24 am
Yup. That’s the place. I remember they had some bullshit dresscode and I had to leave my hat at the coat check. FYI.
March 13th, 2009 at 11:47 am
I think it’s safe to say that this is the most commented-on story in RP history. I’m sure other people are loving seeing their comments bumped off the front page in a matter of hours.
How does Saturday April 4th at 7pm sound?
March 13th, 2009 at 12:38 pm
According to their site, they still have the dress code. I’ll be sure not to wear my baggy pants, construction boots and a white t-shirt.
April 4th will work for us.
March 13th, 2009 at 1:08 pm
Where does it mention what the code is? I can still dress in my gang paraphernalia, right?
March 13th, 2009 at 1:35 pm
All those gangs in Ferndale? Like, robbing coffee shops and breaking into freestyle indie rock jams on the street corner?
April 4th at 7 is good here, too.
Also, yes, the most commented on story ever. We’re bringing the forums back by force. (DJ and I were hoping for 30 comments. You guys pushed us over the top.)
March 13th, 2009 at 2:08 pm
Here’s the dress code.
Clearly it was designed to keep out gangstas from Livonia like myself.
March 13th, 2009 at 2:37 pm
Just a heads up, I think a lane at Lucky Strike is like $60 an hour. I think there’s booths to chill downstairs and then there’s the long bar we hung out all night last time. I think there’s a dedicated lounge also but I can’t quite remember if I was there or not. If it gets too expensive, Bar Louie is across the street and that has a good selection and doesn’t murder wallets.
I think Scott was in the Strike with a Hawaiian shirt last time, so it’s not total
draconian.
I wanna play some air hockey on the sauce.
Oh yeah, 8-player Outrun 2. Yes.
March 13th, 2009 at 3:14 pm
Scott was getting hit on HARD, too. Too bad he’s gay. That beard is a chick magnet.
$60 for a lane is harsh. I say we stick to drinking and games, just like every other night. That should be depressing, but it’s not.
March 13th, 2009 at 3:20 pm
50!
March 13th, 2009 at 3:28 pm
Yeah 60 a lane is like 10 a person per hour, not too terrible, but not great either. We can stick to the vgs and drinks.
We can do my place some other time for a cheap night of board games/home vgs and homebrew.
March 13th, 2009 at 3:28 pm
PS unless you guys are lame and or try to grope me
March 13th, 2009 at 3:47 pm
ew.
Last time I checked, I am pretty awesome.
I think we’re good.
March 13th, 2009 at 3:52 pm
Oh wait, I forgot we’re not going to Tequila Rain, drop the grope part.
March 14th, 2009 at 10:19 pm
Scott DID wear a Hawaiian shirt but he also got mean mugged the entire time by the pit boss hanging out by the change machine. And D.J. Does likes to grope people.
March 16th, 2009 at 9:41 am
I’ll make you pay for your false statements, friend I drank with last night and will be riding with me to MGC.
And welcome to the quasi-forum!
I don’t see the naked chicks in your avatar beard tho.