Your Goddamn Horoscope: Feb 15th – 21st
Pices
Listen to some Bobby Womack. Across 110th Street is prime and supreme. You will be smiled upon by Capricorns, Scorpios, Leos, Geminis, and maybe a Unicorn or two. Or even an Owl.
Aquarius
Type in various people’s names in cell phone texting using T9 or Querty predictive text. Whatever appears first, call the person by that name for the rest of the week.
Capricorn
Play lots of pinball. Train for the Midwest Gaming Classic. You will have great difficulties trying to find a working machine though. Alien Crush just doesn’t cut it.
Sagittarius
Make a Libra feel tiny and worthless using big words and half-hearted insults. This will make you feel better about your own problems as you may or may not lack the emotional intelligence to deal with them.
Scorpio
A disembodied head king will challenge you to a series of strange tasks involving 8-bit games. The hardest one will be achieving a start boost in a racing game because the in-game faux magazines don’t explain things very well.
Libra
You haven’t done any laundry in two weeks. Your pile of clothes will begin to smell and a Sagittarius will call you out on it.
Virgo
Circumstances will force you to drink Mike’s Hard Lemonade. You will grow a man-gina shortly after.
Leo
The stars challenge you to not talk about Watchmen for a month. You win a cookie if you succeed. A metaphorical cookie of happiness.
Cancer
Have some friends over and kill zombies. Then break out Earth Defense Force and kill ants. Later, somebody will ask why “EarthDefense” is spelled as one word on the cover art. That’s kinda weird like how some people write Mega Man as Megaman and when did Soul Calibur become Soulcalibur?
Gemini
One of your headphone earpieces will cease to function this week. It will destroy your equilibrium and force you to boycott the Coby brand.
Taurus
Your confirmation number for an upcoming payment or order will be 3843298414. If the stars get this right, the world will end by March.
Aries
Take all the screws off on an expensive unused piece of equipment. Now plug it in and throw a cup of water on it. Ok, you might die but it’ll look really cool for a second!
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Tags: horoscope
February 15th, 2009 at 8:11 pm
I don’t know how you come up with these DJI but they sure are hilarious.
February 16th, 2009 at 10:46 am
I don’t know either. I do believe I am decending into straight-up madness.
Thank you.
Your comment indicates I should continue this series for awhile longer.
February 16th, 2009 at 1:14 pm
I will NOT be growing a mangina!
DJ, don’t stop doing this series. PLEASE.
February 16th, 2009 at 11:19 pm
Yeah, you should. I skipped the deathwish toaster in the water act as I don’t want to miss MGC. Duly noted for a couple weeks thereafter however.