The 80s were unquestionably the glory years for the slasher genre. It’s when the major slasher franchises were either born or perfected, and it’s when the new great horror icons crept out from the shadows to invade our nightmares. Freddy Krueger, Michael Myers, and Jason Voorhees were to the 80s as Frankenstein, Dracula, and the Wolfman were to the 30s and 40s. They were instantly recognizable household names, and much like their Universal counterparts, they would spawn franchises that would eventually run themselves into the ground. These horror staples would eventually play out to become parodies of themselves, leading to crossovers and, laughably, to outer space. But despite Hollywood nearly turning these characters into cartoons, the fact remains that they are each compelling horror icons that laid the foundation for the cliches that they eventually became.

It’s no wonder, then, that each of these major franchises are going through reboots. Rob Zombie took his controversial stab at Michael Myers with 2007′s Halloween remake. While the second half of the film was practically a shot-for-shot remake, the first half attempted to go into the how and why of Michael Myers. And whether or not you appreciated it, Zombie did at least create a somewhat plausible background for what was originally just a mindless killer. We haven’t yet seen what the new Nightmare on Elm Street will reveal, but the Friday the 13th reboot has been unleashed and it’s a much different take than Zombie’s Halloween. They don’t add to the back story of Jason or reinvent the formula, nor is it a remake of the original film. Instead, it comes off as Friday the 13th Part 11…or 12…or wherever they left off, depending on spinoffs.

The slasher film is something that should be a pretty easy formula to follow, yet so often it’s messed up by convoluted plots or self-parody. With the new Friday the 13th film, it’s obvious that the filmmakers looked at the existing franchises, figured out what worked, what didn’t, and used the classic template to go forward. And at the risk of pulling a Jarrod, I’m going to step out on a limb and say that this could be the perfect slasher film.

Before going forward, it’s important to look back at the previous films. First, there’s no question that the Friday the 13th movies began as shameless ripoffs of Halloween. The spooky holiday was swapped, the Shatner mask was replaced with a hockey mask, and the naughty suburban teens were replaced by naughty camping teens. But let’s face it, nobody kills like Jason or Jason’s mom. I mean, on Michael Myers’ best day, he never came up with a kill like the one that claimed the life of Kevin Bacon back in the 80s. Michael Myers was an escaped mental patient who would just as soon strangle someone in a car. Jason Voorhees creates murder masterpieces, turning teenage massacre into an art form. Secondly, the Friday the 13th films have never been particularly good. Sure, they each had their moments, and the kills have generally been fantastic, but they’ve all had their faults. From inane plots to Corey Feldman, the worst movies in the franchise have succeeded based on one thing only: Jason’s spectacular kills.

So what makes a good slasher film? Glad you asked. Here are the standard ingredients:

1) A compelling monster. The character of Jason is simple but effective. Sure, there’s the shallow backstory of him being a freak and dying because camp counselors were too busy doing drugs and banging eachother to supervise him swimming, but that’s just gravy. In the end, he’s a silent killer with the single-minded purpose of killing naughty teenagers. That shit works.

2) A group of teens. I fucking hate teenagers. Hell, when I was a teenager I hated myself. The simple fact is that teenagers are morons who generally deserve a brutal death. Ok, not all of them. Aside from the slut, the stoner, the douchebag, and the nerd, there’s usually the good girl. And half the time, the good girl manages to survive. Or does she?

3) Sex, drugs, and rock n’ roll. Jason hates these things individually, but when they’re all put together it spells certain death for our band of jackass teens and though they think they’re just in for a weekend of getting drunk and getting laid, they’re really just pigs lining up for the slaughter. Oh, it’s worth noting that if your slasher flick doesn’t have titties, you have failed as a filmmaker.

4) A spooky location. Whether it’s an old farmhouse, Michael Myers’ abandon childhood home, or Camp Crystal Lake, location is one of the most important ingredients and it’s one where the Friday the 13th flicks have always excelled. Seriously, where do you tell spooky stories? Around a campfire. That’s right. Time to die.

And that’s it. You may be wondering: but John, what about the story? FUCK the story. If you start adding plot and back story, you no longer have a slasher film. What you have instead is a psychological thriller. It’s also worth noting that while the kills have to be brutal, they also have to be quick and bloody because once they drag out and become too complicated you no longer have a slasher film. What you have instead is torture porn. Again, where Jason has always excelled is in his ability to lop off a punk ass’s head but do it creatively enough for the audience to shout out, “OH SHIT!” with giddy glee.

But I fear I’m digressing a little too much here. I need to get back to why this Friday the 13th is so fucking great. In short, it follows the above principles to a tee. You’ve got your band of unwitting teenage campers, led by the douche bag, who wander into the woods for a weekend of beer pong and hot dirty sex, only to have their asses brutally handed to them. With a running time of 97 minutes, this movie hits you quick, hard, and never slows in pace. By the time you’re done, you’ll want to do what the 11 year-old kid who sat in front me did. As the lights went up, he jumped to his feet and proclaimed to anyone within earshot, “That was, hands down, the most incredible movie I’ve ever seen in my life!”

It’s good to have my expectations blown out of the water for once. Congratulations to the filmmakers for realizing what makes a good slasher flick. Congratulations to them for not overthinking the premise and for realizing that Jason doesn’t need a deep, convoluted plot. And thank you to the filmmakers for finally delivering an amazing slasher film after nearly two decades of tripe.

Tweet

Related Posts

• SHOCKtober! Friday the 13th Part III
• SHOCKtober! Friday the 13th (2009)
• SHOCKtober! Slaughter High
• SHOCKtober! Sleepaway Camp 3: Teenage Wasteland
• Drunken Gamers Radio: 02.15.2009
• Friday the 13th: New Trailer
• Horror Classics: Halloween 2
• Horror Classics: Halloween

Tags: friday the 13th, jason voorhees, slasher films

This entry was posted on Monday, February 16th, 2009 at 8:00 am and is filed under Film/Television, Theatrical. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.