Your Goddamn Horoscope: Feb 1st – 7th
Pices
Your 40 to drink is a King Cobra. Upon finishing, your will be rewarded with one win on your squares bet for the super bowl.
Aquarius
Your 40 to drink is a Miller High Life. Upon finishing, you will avert yourself from any upcoming snowmobile accidents.
Capricorn
Your 40 to drink is a St. Ides. Upon finishing, your life expectancy increases-…-for your computer. Not you.
Sagittarius
Your 40 to drink is a Camo XXX(XX) [High Gravity]. Upon finishing, the next beer you have will taste like your favorite. Or you’ll become a gigantic pussy and drink nothing but hard cider for a month.
Scorpio
Your 40 to drink is a Olde English “800″. Upon doing so, your next guest will visit you bringing semi-expensive ales and later leave them over for future private elegance.
Libra
Your 40 to drink is an Icehouse. Upon finishing, your happiness will double by two and your friends will slightly judge you for your taste in beer. However, your happiness will divide by two if a case of Milwaukee’s Best is found at your location.
Virgo
Your 40 to drink is a Mickey’s. Upon finishing, your resistance to cancer increases and you’re going to belch like, really fucking loud.
Leo
Your 40 to drink is a Steel Reserve 211. Upon finishing, your team choice will win the Super Bowl and you’ll have reduced beer farts the next morning. You get bonus immunity to AIDS if you’re Canadian.
Cancer
Your 40 to drink is a Schlitz. When you finish, you’ll play better at Chromehounds. Your inane chatter over the headset will exponentially rise and you’ll become ‘that guy’ who wants to break the game using party chat.
Gemini
Your 40 to drink is a Colt 45. Upon finishing, the next Yagerbomb you have will send you straight to the toilet. Vomit away, son. The benefit is pretzels will taste really good that night. I prefer the little rods. They are yummy.
Taurus
Your 40 to drink is a Mt. Everest. When done, your speech will distort and your buzz will magnify eight-fold. You’re attraction to ladies will also increase. Unfortunately, the ladies will not increase attraction to you unless you have a second 40 of Mt. Everest.
Aries
Your 40 to drink is a Laser. Not even before you’re done, your friends will think you’re pretty fucking sweet to bust that out. Here’s a picture of John drinking one, but not really.
January 31st, 2009 at 3:54 pm
Wow, that guy almost looks like me!
January 31st, 2009 at 7:57 pm
We looked for Laser but had to settle for Duvel, and Founders Red’s Rye, Breakfast Stout, and Imperial Stout. Sad times.
January 31st, 2009 at 8:06 pm
Do you have a camera watching me? As I was reading this I was drinking a High Life 40. And yes, I’m an Aquarius.
January 31st, 2009 at 11:42 pm
I’m Canadian! Bonus immunity! I’m off to Africa!