Texting With SimpleNate
If backstory were needed, it is here. Or you can go to nateserefine.com. But that was a trick. It is just my friend’s website.
*shrug*
On Boycotting:
-Nate: So, Lexi and I are looking for houses to buy.
-Ian: Very good. Where at?
-Nate: Dunno. Ann Arbor maybe.
-Ian: I so guessed that.
-Nate: That’s where us hipsters like to congregate. We play hacky sack and read poetry whilst drinking expensive beer and plotting to boycott everything.
-Ian: “Gee, Brain(*), what are we going to boycott tonight?”
-Nate: “Well, the auto industry is making somewhat of a comeback with electric cars… Aren’t those batteries poisonous? They could pollute our water!”
-Ian: Haha, you’re boycotting environmentally friendly things.
-Nate: It takes a real pro to do that.
-Ian: Next you should boycott water. Think of all the people who could be living in the great lakes if water wasn’t polluting the whole thing, making it uninhabitable.
-Nate: Or people could drown in it!
-Ian: That bastard. Water.
-Nate: It must be stopped. It and it’s pro-hydration agenda cannot be allowed to continue!
-Ian: Yep. Time to take a hair drier to lake michigan. Evaporate dat shit. Oh. And find a way to END RAIN.
-Nate: Hey, I don’t deal in solutions. All I do is bitch about shit with a holier-than-though attitude. Finding solutions ain’t my problem.
-Ian: Sounds like you need a consultant. A ninja consultant.
-Nate: Know anyone? I tried to look up ninja in the phonebook, but the page was BLANK!
-Ian: Try looking up ‘log’. They tend to turn into those. Avoid ‘turtle’. They’re not ninjas.
-Nate: Got it. Anyway, what would a ninja consultant even do for me? I already have a pirate on retainer.
-Ian: Ninjas flip out and kill people. They also attack gods. Ones in clouds, usually. Oh, and they hide. They hide A LOT! You were talking to one and, oh, wait, you’re not.
On Einstein:
-Nate: I decided that I’m going to write a ‘First Look’ article about our ‘experience’ with RA 3 [Red Alert 3] last weekend for RobotPanic.
-Ian: That would be good. Gaming is for those new to puberty, apparently.
-Nate: I felt like if Alexis had walked into the room and saw it, I would no longer be engaged.
-Ian: Hahaha. Yes. Soviet boobs [are] the root cause of divorce.
-Nate: We’d be in court at the divorce hearings and that chick’s rack would be labeled ‘Exhibit A’. My lawyer would want me to plead-out.
-Ian: No, just the left tit. The right tit is Exhibit B. It could fuel another cold war.
-Nate: Yeah, when Einstein died, all work shifted from nuclear weapons to form-fitting uniforms and super-boobs. And nano-tech. And mechs.
-Ian: Einstein stopped all the cool shit. What a fuckin’ wanker.
-Nate: Just think of what he could have accomplished if he wasn’t a huge meth-head. It’s a shame. Don’t do drugs, kids. You’ll just end up like Einstein.
-Ian: I want my flying car dammit
-Nate: Well, tough shit. All you get is NXE and Sheryl Crow’s Christmas album.
-Ian: Fuuuuck!! The future blows. Thanks Microsoft! We have no mechs and nanotech cause you keep moving my damn menu icons around.
-Nate: Microsoft: Moving icons… for SCIENCE!
-Ian: Somethin like that. Flakey Nigerian Science.
-Nate: Well, at least I don’t pay for… wait. Shit. Wrong argument.
-Ian: Yeah.
On Puppies:
-Nate: I totally found your Christmas present.
-Ian: Well. Maybe… I… also…found your Christmas present, too. Totally.
-Nate: Is it cash?
-Ian: Because that would make sense…cash. Gawd, Christmas isn’t about the spirit of financial security! Jeez!
-Nate: Is it a puppy?
-Ian: That shoots lasers.
-Nate: Awesome! From its eyes or from its ass?
-Ian: Oh. It has an arm cannon. Front left paw.
-Nate: Sweet. I’m buying a shoulder-mounted rocket pod for it.
-Ian: You can probably find one at Petland for 20% off. Puppy farm discount.
-Nate: Geh. I can’t even walk past that fucking place. Petland and Wal-mart can fight for America’s Next Top Evil Empire.
-Ian: I’d pay to watch that. Underpaid baby boomers and illegal immigrants in blue vests vs. an armada of puppies and ferrets.
-Nate: “We’re rolling back… your life expectancy!”
-Ian: That would make a great movie tagline.
-Nate: I’m on a roll today.
-Ian: Anyway. This doesn’t help me know what you found for me for Christmas.
-Nate: It’s not a puppy. Nor is it the size of a breadbox or a puppy. It also doesn’t smell like a puppy. It does, however, taste like a puppy.
-Ian: My superiour deduction skills tell me it’s a rhino.
-Nate: Fuck! How’d you know!? Does rhino taste like puppy?
-Ian: That’s what indie hipsters give non-indie hipsters. Rhinos.
-Nate: I wouldn’t know. Everyone I know is an indie hipster.
(*)
Bonus story:
The word Brain at the very beginning. In the original messages on SimpleNate’s site, I misspelled Brain as Brian. This isn’t the first time I dyslexified that shit. Back in the day for a grade in middle school I was one of the leading editors for the yearbook. I was in charge of all the names that appeared by the student pictures. For whatever reason, I thought Brian was spelled Brain. So a few days before the final deadline, I went through the entire yearbook, found & replaced every iteration of “Brian” with “Brain”, and sent it to print. One of my good friends was named Brian too, so he wasn’t happy when I told him I was the reason his yearbook arrived freshly misspelled.
Good times! ^_^
Personally I always preferred the Mario Super Show voice to Charles...
January 23rd, 2009 at 9:38 am
Ha, I totally never wrote that RA3 article.
January 23rd, 2009 at 12:23 pm
I love that the first tag for this is “awesome”. Yes, yes it is!
March 11th, 2009 at 7:31 am
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