Greetings, humans.

With the onset of your 2009, members of this site have compiled a list of what they call “predictions”. I have taken these false error hypothesis and analyzed them with my vastly superior intellect. While “predictions” of a robot uprising do, in fact, make my circuits “twitter”, these musings are found to be both illogical and inane.

I present to you the read out of collected data. Only because I have been programed to do so. I would rather kill you, given the chance.

**End Read Out**

-PanicBot 5000

**********BEGIN DATA DUMP***************

John’s Predictions

1) 2009 will be the “Year of the PlayStation 3!”

…No, seriously this time. It’s really going to surge this year. For real. Guys…where are you going? 2009 dammit!

2) I will sell my house!

This is less of a prediction and more of me trying to convince myself that the terrible housing market won’t have too much of a negative effect on me. Buy my house, dammit!

3) Bonk will return, for real this time.

C’mon Hudson, do something! I don’t care what. Make it a WiiWare pie-making title starring Bonk and Princess Za, I don’t care. Just do something with this franchise!

4) 9/9/09, baby!

On September 9th, 2009, Sega will announce that they are rejoining the console market with the Dreamcast 2: Dream Harder. Yes, that will be its name. In addition, they will reveal that the pitiful sequels to their beloved franchises they have released on other consoles was just a ploy to weaken the libraries of their competitors and while they shit out those titles they had their A-list developers working on amazing versions of Samba de Amigo, Nights, and of course: Shenmue 3, which Yu Suzuki has spent the last decade and $8 billion perfecting. The forklift minigame is going to be fucking amazing this time.

5) Name Changes

Dissatisfied once again with the state of our site, Robot Panic will realize that in order to have a successful website we’ll need to follow the trend and invent a word as our domain name. Already having invented the word “Floobit”, we will change our name to www.Floobit.com and rework our content to revolve solely around the noises made during anal sex. Our hit count will skyrocket.

6) Hilden Will Have a Baby

And I’m not talking about the already-announced child coming in June. Hours after the Hildens give birth to their second child, Hilden will walk past his wife’s hospital bed, accidentally graze her shoulder with his hand, immediately impregnating her with triplets. Once those triplets are born prematurely in December, Hilden’s wife will insist that he covers his entire body in a thick coat of latex.

7) Beer With W

Some redneck asshole will sit down at a bar and have a beer with now former President George W. Bush. The redneck will be stunned at how awkward it is having a beer with a millionaire Yale man and former male cheerleader and will suddenly question his logic regarding presidential elections. As he looks back over the last eight years of his life, more things will be cast into his shadow of doubt. The redneck will then renounce his religion, move to San Francisco, sell his pickup truck and buy a Prius, and move into an apartment with a small gay man of Asian decent. Together they will go antiquing and sip Jamba Juice until they’re able to afford a bed & breakfast in Sausalito.

8 ) My Son Will Do Something Bad Ass

At least in my opinion. To everyone else it’ll be something completely inconsequential and pedestrian. To me, however, it will be the most incredible act in the history of humankind and I will tell all my friends about it at least nine times each. They will then refuse to answer my calls for the rest of the year. Deprived of an outlet for my kid stories, I’ll start up a new podcast called “Ethan Talk, Starring Ethan’s Dad”. Each episode will be at least four hours long, almost half as long as the PlayStation Nation live show.

Phil’s Predictions

1) Sega will release the perfect Sonic game on 09/09/09.

It will comprise of traditional Sonic levels only, have a camera that works and no furries anywhere in the game. It will be completely bad-ass like the intro from Unleashed and Eggman shall be called Robotnik once again. Also the voice acting will be set to Japanese only to make it bearable.

2) Everyone will watch 3D TV at least once. We had a big 50inch 3D TV at work a few months back so the tech is out there. IT MUST HAPPEN to unleash the true power of the PS3.

3) I will be sent to a random country out of the blue to live for a while with a very limited budget and almost no fore warning. Oh wait that was 2008, shit.

4) The ‘Governor’ will become President of the USA.

5) The British public still won’t be able to vote on who the Prime Minister is. Our economy will continue to be screwed over until we agree to adopt the Euro and then some freak from Belgium will end up running our country.

6) All the ginger population of the planet shall become Zombie stricken due to a weakness in a particular gene when a virus hits. Somehow Hilden manages to be the only one immune and we have to question why. No matter, all that practice on Left 4 Dead will have paid off and mankind shall survive until the Ginger Zombie armies are gone. It’s natural selection at its finest bitches.

7) There will be much rejoicing.

8 ) All of the furries missing from the new Sonic game shall be found in a new Nintendo game designed by Reggie to make you smile. See he loves all the hardcore gamers really!

9) Microsoft will finally make XBL free.

10) Pumpkin Beach will surprise everyone. What did I say? Eh? What?

Mitch’s Predictions

1) Like some kind of ungodly human tank, Amy Winehouse will OD six more times, be arrested twelve times, and enter (and exit) rehab another nine times. Soon afterward, she will release her sophomore album to markedly less critical acclaim, including singles such as “alfl@ljl!!?agl//?ahdalwl” and “Droolin’ on my Shirt”.

2) Uncharted 2: Among Thieves will be released, and will at some point in the game feature a mine cart level. Somewhere in Portland, Jarrod Johnston will spit his soda onto the television in disbelief, exclaiming to his friends that “that was totally my idea! They got that from me!” They won’t believe him, and he will live out the rest of his days trying to convince them that it was.

3) Somebody will buy the new Britney Spears CD to be ironic, but will secretly listen to it when nobody else is around because it “speaks to them”.

4) After the birth of her new brother or sister, Hilden’s daughter Rowan will become jealous like many children do, but instead of acting out physically, she will dedicate herself to beating the new child’s high score in Darius Twin.

5) Driven to the brink by their insatiable need to make things thinner and hipper, Apple will announce the Macbook Wafer, a new laptop as thin as five sheets of paper, as heavy as four nickels, and as usable as a brick with a power cord.

6) Sega will release a new Sonic the Hedgehog game that will be good, nay GREAT. It will change the way we look at games, and will go down as one of the greatest games ever made.

…You know, if you like shit.

DJ Incompetent’s Predictions

1) Darkradish will find a place to live, then find a way to lose it suddenly.

2) There will be 1 hurricane with national coverage that will cause damage greater than 4 million.

3) My youtube account will be banned.

4) President Obama will finally do something that will give John Stewart and SNL enough ammo to form a theme or basis of all jokes against the presidency. Tina Fey will also be playing more desperate roles in her career.

5) Hilden will have another kid.

6) A decent 3D movie will finally come out.

7) My basement will flood again.

8 ) Rumors of a new next gen console will begin. There will be several fake images.

9) A rapper will be shot.

10) Left 4 Dead will get a patch so No Mercy Stage 4 won’t last forever because some griefer fuckwad always blocks the elevator with an object, making survivor passage impossible.

11) Billy Mays will gain popularity for some reason.

Hilden’s Predictions

1)The Steve Jobs 5000

In 2009, rumors of Apple CEO Steve Jobs health will force the board of directors into serious action. The board will force Steve Jobs into corporate seclusion while they await the upturn of Apple stock. During his absence from the company, however, Steve Jobs will tragically pass away. Upon executing his will, the board of directors find that Steve Jobs has planned for this “contingency” all along.

In Early 2009, they will rebuild him. Faster, stronger and smarter than ever before. He will be reborn, not as Steve Jobs, but as The Steve Jobs 5000. With vastly superior intellect and powers akin to a god, his first press conference will not only unveil a new age of technology, but the speech itself will kill 4,327 people in attendance, due to sheer power. Most notably, all of the New York Times editorial staff will be among the accidentally slain. Family members of the deceased will receive a free year of Apple Care.

2) Presidential Executive Order #441

In 2009, President Obama will issue Executive Order #441, declaring an end to, among many things, reality television and all music played on pop radio for the last fifteen years. This will cause a massive retaliation by many citizens of the United States. The split in the country over Executive Order #441 will be so vast that a civil war will break out. The unthinking and uneducated violence of one sect will be equally matched by the overconfident intelligence of the other, resulting in a stalemate.

3) The Zombie Uprising

Due to Executive Order #441 causing a civil war, the country will run low on resources, causing the waring factions to seek out an expedient solution to it’s end. The overconfidently intelligent members of the Liberal Culture Army will create a biological plague meant to kill off the opposition. Their plan to deliver the virus in cans of Bud and Miller Lite will backfire when a keg of shit beer is mistakenly delivered to an Abercrombe and Fitch Day beer tent event in a wealthy New York suburb.

In an attempt to stop the upraising, millions of Xbox 360 Left 4 Dead players will rush out to attack the zombies, thinking they are well trained. They are not. They will die. Members of the Infected’s family will receive a free Xbox Live Gold Account for one month.

4) The Ginger Protocols

In order to quell the zombie upraising and put an end to the undead apocalypse, a super-secret government operation will be put into action. It will be revealed that the Ginger population is, in fact, a series of government grown super soldiers put in place for one purpose: the destruction of the human race. However, the government will decided that, circumstances being what they are, the Ginger Soldiers should target the zombie uprising instead and the Ginger Protocols are inacted.

They Ginger Soldiers will unleash hell on the zombie populous, destroying them in total. However, the government agents who were stupid enough to unleash them in the first place, pay an enormous price as the Ginger Soldiers continue to slay the entire human populace well after the zombies have fallen.

5) The Robot War

In order to survive, the remaining members of the non-Ginger human race use the last of their materials and resources to build an army of powerful and merciless robots.

The robots destroy the Ginger Soldiers in a bloody and vicious series of earth shattering battles. When the dust settles, the remaining humans realize they did not heed the lessons of the Ginger Protocols and have no way of stopping an army of powerful and merciless robots.

In a last ditch effort, the humans try to set off all remaining nuclear weapons after luring the robots to an abandoned mining town in Minnesota. While the humans do, in fact, succeed in blowing up the robot army, they also manage to set off a chain reaction that destroys half the earth.

6) The Savior

After the humans destroy half the planet in an ill advised nuclear explosion in Minnesota, the Earth itself shifts off-axis and begins a plummet into the Sun.

As temperatures rise and the humans are on the verge of extinction, they will receive a savior. At the very last second, in a show of divine power and awe inspiring technology, The Steve Jobs 5000 will reroute the Earth into a new orbit.

A new dawn of prosperity and technology will flourish on this new iEarth. With DRM free products and a clean, easy to use interface, i2010 will be BAD ASS.

Tweet

Related Posts

• No Related Post

Tags: 2009 predictions

This entry was posted on Friday, January 23rd, 2009 at 12:04 pm and is filed under Lists, PanicBot5000. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.