My Bloody Valentine 3D
Cheese.
You think about that word for a minute. I’m gonna mix me up a drink here.
Ok I’m back.
The resurfacing of the 3D element is a curious attraction. Not since Muppet Vision 3D or that Spiderman Universal Studios thing have I had anything to do with the non-blue-’n-red 3D glasses. They were fun. I could use another round of the glasses. Then around the time that Sharkboy Lavagirl thing and the Journey to the Center of the Earth came around, the hate circuit in the brain noticed a trend: 3D must be family friendly. And what does family friendly mean? Zero attention to plot, story, effort; throw all the budget at gimmicks. So I heard, that’s what happened. I read some reviews, learned to avoid all the HD 3D goodness, and that was the end of it.
An R-Rated 3D movie you say? It’s not friggin’ Creature From the Black Lagoon or some shit? “Hmmm, automatic niche rating means the possibility of effort in the film,” said me brainwaves. But look at the trailer. O Hai it’s the same 90′s cookie cutter slasher film that shits out every 8 months and every 2 weeks at a local Blockbuster. I weighed my options, I chose to roll the dice…
It’s $2 extra a ticket just to obtain the 3D glasses. You get to keep them, but why? You think they’re gonna let you bring them back for the next 3D thing and escape the next $2 charge? “Ha!” I say. The glasses are wicked chick repellent by the way. After the woman-friend saw me wearing these babies, we haven’t had sex since. Awwww-Yeeeah!!
I tried watching some 3D things that were thrown up at YouTube. No dice. Anybody know of any full-screen 3D sites these “RealD” glasses would work on, hit me up in the comments.
Ok, back to the movie. Synopsis: Miner flips out and kills people. Drama happens with all that 10 years later. There’s really not much to say that you don’t know about when we’re talkin’ of a run of the mill teenage-ish-esq slasher. I will use bulletpoints. Ok fine, tildes:
~Jump-starts into the killing right away. Great selling point.
~Oh of course everybody’s gotta split up. Can’t die without 6 scenes of that.
~The kill count is satisfactory for the most part. Too much “jump in during the aftermath” stuff, but they don’t pull any punches during the good shit if that’s what you’re looking for. You can now see how much fun people can have with a pickax. Some gnarly-ass kills up in this.
~The 3D effects. I like them much. They were done well and not getting in the way of gimmicky until later on. Anybody who had a gun or a flashlight. What they have to do? Point them straight at the audience. Really slow. oooooh-ahhh-shutup.
~Tripping. I swear to god. Every other fucking scene, somebody’s fallin’ over their own ass. It’s pathetic. I’m adding “tripping” to the fucking tag list right now. That’s how synonymous to the movie tripping is.
~I’ve now seen some titties bouncin’ all-up in my face in 3D. I don’t wanna work at UGO or anything, but hey. ‘Tis a milestone dude. You gotta live it once.
~If you haven’t seen any of these full-length 3D films, yes your eyes are gonna bother you after staring at all that for so long. Maybe the DVD will come with some Virtual Boy automatic pause or some shit. In red. But fortunately there’s plenty of talking bad acting scenes where you don’t have to look at anything and you can just listen to the audience laugh at how bad some of this is. You can just sit back and close your eyes for a moment and take in the mediocre sexual tension.
~I don’t recognize a single actor. I’m probably supposed to. I even IMDB’d the shit. I found nothing worth reporting or even linking back.
~The two old men talking is some of the worst acting I’ve heard. I pictured Bill from Left 4 Dead saying half those lines and they’re just about spot-on. If somebody torrents a scene and rips some lines from the game and dubs that in there, hell I’d watch it.
~The final selling point, the one I wish to go into detail, is about the unexpected hook. My Bloody Valentine becomes a whodunnit mystery thriller of sorts halfway through the deal that not only convinced me to change my mind about the identity of the killer several times, but actually had me get it wrong. Rare on my end. I’m a pretty jaded fucker so I’d like to give respect to a movie that can jerk me around like that and execute it like an old-style M. Night Shyamalan all the way to the end. Maybe this kind of business is all commonplace for the last decade, but I’m all happy about this crap because I haven’t watched a decent human-based slasher horror in eons. So hey, I really enjoyed how this unexpected diversion from 3D gadgetry turned out. ‘Princess Bride shit with the poison in the two cups. Well played.
~Of course, right after that great shuffle the ending dips into some weak sauce. But yeah. Cookie cutter horror. What ya gonna do.
I know I’m doggin’ on this movie, but I had a great time with it. I don’t regret blowin’ $20 on this for a date at all, actually. I had a smile on my face most the way through. The audience had the same. It had cheese beyond whatever, but the audience was screaming and gasping their balls off too. I’m not gonna see it again or anything, but I would say go once.
Recommended:
-You see this with a ton of friends or large crowd (meaning weekend)
-At big-ass theater
-In 3D
-Pre-drunk or sneaking a flask in.
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Tags: 3d, cheese, flick, horror, my bloody valentine, slasher, tripping
January 21st, 2009 at 10:03 am
This movie really interests me as I’m a big fan of the old-school slasher films. I’ll probably check it out on DVD.
January 21st, 2009 at 10:40 am
I saw it too, and believe me John when I say DVD ain’t gonna cut it. You gotta see this one on the big screen to get full enjoyment out of it. And I agree with DJ when he says see it with a big group of friends. Preferably a loud group of friends.
January 21st, 2009 at 10:41 am
I remember seeing the first one as a kid and loving that. I watched again recently and it holds up pretty well.
In MPLS they make you give the 3D glasses back. WHY? I dunno, I kept mine and will probably use them as a way to save $2.
I took my kid (Tiny) to “Beowolf” in 3D and that was cool. So was “Bolt” in 3D. I enjoy the extra level of depth and contrast and CGI movies do 3D extremely well. I’m planning on seeing the new “Aliens vs. Monsters” in 3d when it comes out.
For the Ultimate 3D experience, check out the “Spiderman” ride at Universal Studios Orlando… Best ride EVA!!!
Thanks for the review, i’ll be sure to check it out!
January 21st, 2009 at 10:54 am
This is a remake of a old 1980′s Canadian Horror film…true story
January 21st, 2009 at 11:45 pm
The Spider-man ride at Universal is awesome.
I still have the picture of me and Spider-man celebrating our combined victory.
Oh and Ryker, is your kid named Tiny?
January 23rd, 2009 at 10:03 am
Universal is that same technology for their new ride “Transformers” that will open in conjunction with the new movie (WOOO HOOO)
Tiny777 is my son’s gamertag and beloved nickname.