Robots in the Wild: A Moebot Chronicle
Hi I’m DJ Incompetent.
I was in a movie once.
Behind a wooden hanger at my friend’s house, the President of the United States is giving a speech. Suddenly, he’s assassinated! The culprit is none other than Mr. Roboto…from the Styx song. The President is mumbling “Help Me,” with blood smeared all over his suit using ketchup. The lead Secret Service Bodyguard, happened to be played by SimpleNate, takes out his AK which was really an autofiring paintball gun and unloads on Mr. Roboto; shots ricocheting off his armored breastplate which was really a decorated cooking tray.
The next scene cuts to our extremely sarcastic German friend, posing as a newscaster. We were so happy to show a picture-in-picture effect as he tried to read off a special report. Now, this was during the time Craig Kilborn just left the Daily Show and John Stewart took over, so our friend was ripping off the style as much as he could with the snarky comments, the long dead-air sips of water, all that good stuff.
And then, like, the movie just ends. That was our bad. What was supposed to happen was the Secret Service Agent was going to chase Mr. Roboto around the world and kill him dead. What we also had going was we recruited these hot chicks from a bagel café that SimpleNate worked at to dance for us in skimpy bikinis posing as Bond Girls. Short Bond Girls with enormous breasts. ‘Good stuff kids go for. Unfortunately, high school ended, and our visions were never realized. We did manage to strap various tools from Home Depot onto radio controlled cars and host our own extremely ghetto variation of Battlebots using an abandoned preschoolers Safety Town court as our arena. I think it was supposed to be a car chase fight scene…maybe? Surprisingly, no lawsuits were filed. Also, nobody remembered to film it.
Here’s the only known image of Mr. Roboto, played by I:
Nobody bothered to cut eyeholes into the cardboard box. Instead, somebody wrote “IBM” on it in marker. What you also don’t see is that:
…while covered in tin foil…
…I’m wrapped in Christmas lights…
…that are plugged in…
…and the grass is extremely wet.
On the bright side, I did get to blindly shoot paintballs at people while stumbling around aimlessly.
So why don’t I have a clip of this movie? Yeaaah, so, you see, after the movie was made, for a short time it was the greatest movie ever conceived. It had a runtime of 5 minutes. Well, the second thing we did with it is take it to an acquaintance of Clown Disease’s in another town. We got drunk and forgot it. Worse yet, we couldn’t remember most of the rest of the night, including what the guy’s name was and how to find his place to get it back. Another copy of the film was never cut. And so, the best movie of last century, that we never bothered to name, was lost forever.
Personally I always preferred the Mario Super Show voice to Charles...
October 17th, 2008 at 7:59 am
That story rocks. You went much farther with a video camera than me and my friends did in school – what we did was make a bunch of lego vehicles and spaceships, and then filmed them flying around and getting destroyed. We even attached the spaceships to a fishing pole and flew them around the yard.
The videos still exist… somewhere in my parent’s house I think, along with the upside-down videos of us falling UP into the pool. You can’t go wrong with that.
October 17th, 2008 at 5:25 pm
If you ever do a remake/sequel and need a canadian killer/killee, you know who to ask!
Oh, I also do a MEAN Solid Snake
October 17th, 2008 at 10:49 pm
The only movie I did was an adaptation of my high school French textbook. It had everything: on screen amputations, a threesome with a hot nurse and my costar, cardboard ambulances, a fighter jet strafe-ing a peasant village, a trip to the black market, a bank heist, huge hairspray fueled fireballs, train wrecks, me seducing my costar’s mother while wearing a tuxedo, talking dogs, and a midget on a tricycle. What was originally assigned as a 5 minute demonstration that we could speak about going to a doctor’s office in Paris turned into a 55 minute marvel of super low budget special effects and guerrilla film-making. We got a D+ from the teacher, a two week suspension from school, and a standing ovation from the class.
October 18th, 2008 at 5:24 pm
Darkradish….I MUST SEE THAT FILM!
October 19th, 2008 at 4:38 pm
Unfortunately the only copy was lost when my house burned down in 2000.
October 19th, 2008 at 5:18 pm
Damn…that does indeed suck
October 20th, 2008 at 6:55 pm
hahaha, radish is so awesome. Well played, sir.