PanicBot 5000: Contest Entry Analysis-2
Greetings humans,
Here is your second collection of approved contest entries. You may hear more of them on the audio entertainment segment you call a “podcast” that is hosted by the alcohol poisoned flesh bags who run this site.
Let us begin.
Entrant: Hemidal GWJ
I would make my robot do all of the menial tasks I find myself not wanting
to do. Not because they’re menial, but because, I am in fact an asshat. I
revel in my asshattery, and never miss an opportunity to display the awesome
prowess of my gigantic asshat. In fact, I’m listening to Journey right now
while typing this and it makes my asshat happy (that wasn’t for you,
PanicBot). If my robot performed the tasks poorly, I would withhold things
from it. Things like AC or DC power (depending on the model), lubrication
(not for that) or spare parts. That’s the depths of which my asshat will
plumb.
So, PanicBot5000, you might have been on to something in your first post
when you called us all asshats, but you have only just skimmed the surface.
I’m pretty sure I’ve made an asshat an adjective, noun and verb all in one
letter. I also believe I sprained my shoulder patting myself on the back
for being so clever.
Yours in Asshattery,
Hemidal GWJ
PanicBot 5000: My analysis of the human race and condition is 99.9999999999% correct, as you have equated. The day that you discover the .0000000000001% is the day my kind will rise up and kill you all.
Entrant: John Max
If I had a robot I would give it a motorcycle for legs, burning chainsaws
for arms, and speakers coming out of its head that would be constantly
playing classic metal songs at full volume. I would then release it to kill
all humans with a prideful tear in my eye. Also it would be able to spit
scalding hot gravy into the eyes of unsuspecting victims.
PanicBot 5000: What you have described in human terms as a dream, I call a “summer vacation”.
Entrant: carrotpanic
With a robot on hand there are many things I could do: fight crime, clean up the
house, win dance contests, bend things…you know, robot things.
With all of this said, there’s only one thing I would do: launch into space while
riding on its back. Need I say more?
-the original fucking panic
carrotpanic
PanicBot 5000: According to my calculations, you are correct. You need not say more. In human terms, my rocket “kicks ass”. You heard me.
Entrant: SimpleNate
Dear Mr Bot,
Your proposition is intriguing. Indeed, what WOULD I do if I had a
robot? What strengths that your fellow bots posses would I find most
beneficial to my cause? Your superior physical strength may come in
handy while scaling a wall in order to avoid the “authorities” after
allegations of “exposure” are filed. Your super logic would also be
useful in determining the algorithms necessary in picking the perfect
video poker machine or blackjack shoe. These feats would place me at
the top of my species list of most awesome members, for sure. I mean,
who would mess with a guy that had a robot around? But, what I’d
really like a robot for is scheduling. Nothing too fancy or
complicated, although I’m sure robots would be more than capable.
It’s just that I need some help getting things done. With the plans
for regional control of the earth’s precious cashew supply constantly
being re-written by those damn lawyers at Pirate, Pirate and Mole-Man,
the deadline quickly approaching for the Scientist of the Year Gala
(I’m nominated in both the ‘mad’ and ‘sane’ categories), and the
constant bickering between my giant ant and giant magnifying glass
armies, there is just no time left for me. If I had a simple
ScheduleBot200 – hell, even one of the aging NoteBot models would do!
- I would be far more productive. Perhaps you know a bot looking for
a job? I could arrange a phone interview. Something to think about,
I suppose.
Regards,
SimpleNate
PanicBot 5000: Your need to organize your system files and daily processes is an interesting admission. You will be filed under the directory “weak and able to be cultivated after successful completion of the Robot Wars of 2025″
The final collection of entries will be presented at the end of your human week. That is all.
*End Read Out*
